**************
Reassurance
    -Khylara

I should be upstairs.  I should be lying next to the man I love,
wrapped in his arms and listening to him snore. I really should be
asleep by now; it's almost 2 in the morning and we have a long drive
tomorrow.  I should be curled up by his side, dreaming about who
knows what, safe and secure and above all asleep.

Instead I'm curled up on the living room sofa, sitting in the
darkness and wide awake, because all of a sudden I remembered what
happened a year ago tonight and I can't get it out of my head.

A year ago tonight, the Alliance was formed.  A year ago tonight,
without any warning, Peter turned his back on the WWF.  And with
that, turned his back on me.

I know all the reasons why - and I'm not saying they weren't good
ones. His career had grinded to a halt. He wanted to wrestle every
night, not just once in a while during a pay-per-view. He was tired
of toeing the line and watching from ringside instead of doing in the
ring. He had come to the WWF for a chance at gold and he wasn't
getting it from Vince McMahon.

Knowing the reasons hadn't made the abandonment hurt any less.  And
it still hurts, even with the Alliance dead almost eight months.
Even with Shane, Stephanie and even Austin gone.  Even with Peter's
constant, persistant loving presence ever since.  After all this
time, it still hurts...because what if it happens again?

"Mikey?"

I looked up to see Peter at the foot of the stairs, dressed hastily
in a t-shirt and boxers, atill groggy with sleep and looking very
confused.  "Babe, what're you doing up?"

I immediately felt guilty; Peter's still recovering from surgery and
although it hadn't been serious he still needed to rest.  "Sorry.  I
didn't mean to wake you."

He shook his head.  "You didn't.  I rolled over and you weren't
there.  Nearly fell right out of bed."  He smiled as he came over and
sat down next to me.  "What's wrong?"

I shrugged.  I really didn't want to tell him.  Not only would Peter
feel bad but now I felt stupid.  "Who says anything's wrong?"

He rolled his eyes.  "Okay.  Then you're sitting here in the dark
because...what...you're weird?"  The smile became a grin.  "I mean,
you're weird anyway..."

I couldn't help smiling as well as I playfully punched him.  "Very
funny, smartass," I said dryly.  "No.  That's not it."

"Then what?"  Reaching over, he took my hand.  "Talk to me, Mikey."

I sighed.  I felt even stupider now.  "It's nothing," I hedged,
hoping against hope that he'd let it go.

"It's not nothing if it's got you all upset.  And don't say you're
not, 'cause you are.  I can always tell."  He squeexed my hand,
caressing the fingers in his keeping.  "C'mon, babe.  Out with it."

Another sigh.  He wasn't going to let it go until I told him.  And I
couldn't lie, not about this. So how to do it without making it sound
like an accusation or hurting him - that was the problem.

Finally I just said it straight out.  "I was just remembering what
happened last year around this time, that's all."  I ducked my
head.  "See?  Stupid."

Peter was silent for a moment, then he gently tugged at my
hand.  "Not stupid," he corrected.  I've never heard his voice so
gentle.  "C'mere, babe.  Turn around and look at me."

I did as I was told and an unexpected ache filled my heart when I saw
the tender look in my lover's eyes.  He brushed a finger along my
cheek and I couldn't help leaning into the touch.  He pretends to be
such a touch thug, but in reality he's so careful, so gentle...

"Now I want you to listen for a sec, okay?  Don't say anything.  Just
listen."  He cupped my cheek.  "I ain't going nowhere."

My eyes widened.  I hadn't expected, hadn't even guessed he would
pick up on my fear.  "Peter..." I began, trying to think of something
to say - a denial, anything.

He put his hand over my mouth to silence me.  "Just listen, okay,
babe?  Let me get this out."  He removed his hand and put it over our
joined ones.  "I know you're still all worried about me leaving again
and with everything that's going on I can't blame you.  But I ain't
going anywhere, babe.  I'm stickin' right here by you no matter what
happens.  Promise."

I shook my head.  "No.  You don't have to promise." I didn't want him
backed into a vow he couldn't keep; that would tear us apart for sure
and we had come so close before...

He put his hand back over my mouth again.  "I think I do," he said
softly.  "I think after all the shit I put you through you need a
couple promises.  Now are you gonna shut up, or do I have to get the
duct tape?" I nodded and he pulled his hand away again, taking a deep
breath as he did so.

"Babe...what I did...walking away from you that night...turning my
back on the WWF, on you, on everything that meant something to me...I
made the biggest mistake of my life that night.  I thought I'd have a
shot at the top, a chance to get what I always wanted and instead I
was fucking miserable."  He squeezed my hand. "And it's 'cause you
weren't there."

My eyes began to sting with tears.  I knew how miserable he had been;
it had been painfully obvious during our Smackdowns while we were
apart.  But it had never occurred to me that I was one of the main
causes. "Me?" I couldn't help asking; blame my insecurities.

"Yeah, you."  He repeated.  "Do you know how much you mean to me,
baby?"  At my suprised look, he smiled.  "I guess you don't.  I don't
think I ever said, did I?  Too busy trying to be the tough Red Hood
thug everybody thinks I am."  He paused to pull me even
closer.  "Baby, I love you.  You know that.  And without you...I felt
like I was  missing something right here."  He tapped his chest right
over his heart.  "And it showed.  You saw it...everybody saw it.  I
went from being one of the toughest thugs in the fed to being
Austin's personal whipping boy.  I couldn't win a match, couldn't
keep my mind on what I was supposed to do.  I came this close," he
held his fingers about a half an inch apart. "to drowning myself in
booze because I didn't give a fuck anymore about anything.  And the
reason I didn't was 'cause I didn't have you. 'Cause you
mean...you're everything to me, babe."  A pause.  "Everything. You
need to believe that."

I was pretty much helpless now.  The tears were coming down and I
didn't even try stopping them.  I hadn't know...hadn't even guessed.
I mean, I knew he loved me...but so much?  How could I have been so
blind?

Peter saw my tears and immediately gathered me close.  "Mikey...come
on, babe, don't.  Don't cry.  It's okay, I'm right here.  I'll always
be here."  He kissed my forehead, smoothing my hair back as he rocked
me in his arms.  "Shh now, baby.  It's okay. I'm right here."

We sat like that for I don't know how long, with Peter keeping up a
steady murmur of comfort words while I tried to pull myself together.
Finally, I drew away a little, swiping at my eyes with the back of my
hand.  "Sorry," I muttered, sniffling. God, I REALLY felt stupid now.

He shook his head.  "Nothing to be sorry for.  I should've said
something bnefore you got all upset."  He kissed me gently.  "Okay
now?"

I nodded, even managed a little smile.  Amazing what a few words
could do when they're the right ones, said with love.  "Okay now."  I
laid my head back on his shoulder. "Thank you."

"For what?"  He sounded genuinely confused.

"Putting up with me comes to mind," I said softly.  "I know I'm high
maintenance."

He snorted.  "Like I'm a walk in the park.  Besides," His hand ran
down my back in a blatant caress. "I kinda like maintaining you."

I felt my cheeks grow hot as a shiver of desire ran through
me.  "I kinda like it, too," I murmured just before Peter drew me
into a long, slow kiss.

When Peter finally drew away his eyes were dark with desire.  "Come
back to bed?" he asked softly, running his finger along my beard
line.  At my nod he drew me to my feet and we went upstairs hand in
hand.

I wouldn't have any trouble sleeping now.