Slayers MATINEE- Beauty and the Beast

Slayers MATINEE- Beauty and the Beast

By Reanna King

INTRO AND PRODUCTION NOTES:

Beauty and the Beast is yet another movie that I thought I could parody with Slayers characters. I’ve been tossing this concept around in my head for some time, and I finally have something I think will work. I’ve seen this done twice before, but I felt I could make the characterizations somewhat more interesting. Amelia as Belle and Zelgadis as the Beast is somewhat appropriate, but I have entirely something else in mind… I considered making Zelgadis a paperweight but that meant I would have to make Xelloss something different… and I couldn’t think of anything. Please review my story at http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=272431.

And now, it’s time for the fic to begin!

 

(An inn in a small village. Outside, a terrible storm is passing through. Inside, the Slayers crew sits around a fireplace)

XELLOSS: I don’t know why we’re inside; it’s so gorgeous out!

LINA: For a Mazoku, maybe.

AMELIA: I can’t remember it ever being this gloomy outside. (sighs)

FILIA: I know just what would be perfect to pick up our spirits! (she holds up an old book) I’ll read us all a story!

GOURRY: All right! Let’s hear it!

ZELGADIS: As long as I don’t get gypped out of a cure again.

LINA: As long as I’m not cast as a monkey again!

FILIA: Don’t you worry about that! (she opens the book) This story is called "Bonehead and the Bandit-Killer." It’s a story about true love and inner beauty.

AMELIA: (starry-eyed) How beautiful! Please begin! I can hardly wait!

FILIA: All right then. Ahem! "Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young sorceress lived in a shining castle. Although the had everything she could ever want (which was mainly food), the sorceress was quick-tempered and overly sensitive about comments on the size of her breasts."

LINA: Hey! What are you getting at?!

FILIA: (glaring) Ahem! "One cold night, an ugly old woman came to her castle and offered her a single bar of chocolate in return for shelter for the night. But the sorceress, instead of giving her shelter, gave her a Fireball at point-blank range."

XELLOSS: How kind!

FILIA: "At that moment, the old woman transformed into… a beautiful waitress."

LINA: My… sister?!

FILIA: "The waitress then cast a spell upon the castle and all who lived there! Royally pissed off, the sorceress never left the castle after that. The chocolate bar was actually an enchanted chocolate bar! This would break into its individual segments until her twenty-first year. If she could love another and earn his love in return by then, the spell would be broken. But if not, the sorceress would be magically sealed within the castle for all time!"

LINA: That’s kinda harsh.

ZELGADIS: (incredulously) A chocolate bar?! This is ridiculous.

FILIA: Don’t interrupt! "As the years went by, the sorceress got even more ticked off about her situation, especially during "that time of month.""

LINA: That’s not what it says!

FILIA: Please, Lina-san! I won’t tell you again! "She grew so incredibly POed that she took to using statues for target practice. But mostly, she just ate a lot… because who could ever learn to love a bandit-killer?"

(IN STORY)

(A small house out in the country. GOURRY comes out and starts strolling cheerfully into town)

"GOURRY" (was: "Belle")

lead vocal: Gourry, townsfolk, Martina

GOURRY: I forget, don’t know where my home is

I don’t know what this town is called.

I forgot what I went to town for.

… I forgot my name! …

TOWNSFOLK: Ohayou! Ohayou!

Ohayou! Ohayou! Ohayou!

GOURRY: There goes the baker with… er… that thing he carries

The same whatever-they-ares to sell

I believe my mind’s to blame

Can’t remember why I came

To this poor provic— proc— provun-- … town

BAKER: Ohayou, Gourry!

GOURRY: Ohayou!

BAKER: Where are you off to?

GOURRY: Uh… dunno. (shrugs cheerfully)

BAKER: Oh, that’s nice. (chuckles and walks off)

TOWNSFOLK: Look there he goes that boy is dumb, no question

The light is on but no one’s there!

Stupid as a pile of rocks

With the IQ of an ox

If he ever has a thought, it’s really rare!

MAN 1: Ohayou!

WOMAN 1: Good day!

MAN 1: How is your fam’ly

WOMAN 2: Ohayou!

MAN 2: How are you?

WOMAN 2: I’m fine, so-so!

WOMAN 3: What a nice day!

MAN 3: The weather’s lovely

GOURRY: I wish I knew where I was s’posed to go!

(The door to the bookshop swings open)

BOOKKEEPER: Gourry, there you are! I’ve been expecting you!

GOURRY: Oh, right… (shrugs and walks in) That’s right, I came to return my book! (GOURRY hands him a big pop-up book) Do you have any new ones?

BOOKKEEPER: Nope, not yet.

GOURRY: That’s okay. (GOURRY takes a book off the shelf) I’ll borrow this again! (It’s another pop-up book—a Pokémon one)

BOOKKEEPER: All right then! Bye, Gourry!

GOURRY: Ja ne! (GOURRY leaves the shop)

TOWNSFOLK: Look there he goes that boy is so thickheaded

He’s just as clueless as can be

Always sitting on a fence

Cuz his mind is just too dense

It’s no doubt dumb as a sack of nails is he!

(GOURRY, meanwhile, has opened up his new book and reads it as he walks. He becomes so intrigued by the book that he stops in the middle of the street to read, causing havoc among the horses and wagons that are trying to get out of his way)

GOURRY: Wow, isn’t this amazing!

I’ve read it four times, at least, before!

Here’s where Muk battles Koffing!

And then Pikachu and Ash catch Bulbasaur!

(A wagon veers to get out of GOURRY’S way and crashes into a fruit stand)

WOMAN IN THE WAGON: Now it’s no wonder no one’s dumb as Gourry

Nothing but yogurt in his head

MAN AT FRUIT STAND: You must lead a real dull life

When you’re sharp as a rusty knife

It’s no wonder we all think he is

TOWNSFOLK: No wonder we all think he is

No wonder we all think his is inbred! (I know, that was low)

(from the side of the street, MARTINA watches GOURRY stroll by. Beside her stands her dad)

MARTINA: There he is! That’s the guy I’m going to marry!

M’S DAD: You mean Gourry Gabriev?!

MARTINA: He’s the most handsome boy in town!

M’S DAD: But…

MARTINA: And that makes him the best! And don’t I deserve the best, Daddy?!

M’S DAD: (sighs) Yes Dear.

MARTINA: (sings) That fateful day I saw him show confusion

I knew I must make that man mine

He won’t treat me like a louse

He will be my servile spouse

Now I just can’t wait to make him tow the line

(a clique of girls observe MARTINA in her singing and stop to admire her)

GIRLS: Look there she is

She’s just the coolest!

Martina-san

She’s such a gal!

And only she

Could deserve Gourry

We talk like this so we can be her pals!

(We now see a crowd trying to sort itself out of the chaos GOURRY has caused)

MAN 1: Ohayou

MARTINA: ‘Scuse me!

MAN 2: You baka!

MAN 3: Ja ne!

WOMAN 1: My dress is ruined!

WOMAN 2: Look what you’ve done!

MAN 4: Gomen…

WOMAN 3: That’s fine!

MAN 4: … nasai!

MARTINA: Hey!

MAN 5: It’s not my fault!

MARTINA: Out of my way!

WOMAN 2: Don’t push!

MAN 6: Don’t shove!

WOMAN 2: That’s rude!

MAN 6: That’s mean!

MAN 7: My leg is broken!

ALL: Oi! What a mess!

GOURRY: Would someone tell me what is going on?

(MARTINA finally makes it through the crowd to GOURRY)

MARTINA: Daddy! I can’t find Gourry cause he’s gone!

(That’s because literally the entire town has stepped in MARTINA’S way to watch GOURRY stroll back to his house. GOURRY, of course, is totally unaware of all these people singing about him but MARTINA is getting increasingly impatient)

TOWNSFOLK: Look there he goes a boy who’s dumb as doornails

He’s just as stupid as can be

There is no one dumb as him

‘Cause his brain’s empty and dim

And he really is a stupid boy

A handsome but a stupid boy

He really is a stupid boy

Gourry!

(finally, GOURRY thinks he hears something. He turns around to check it out, but everyone goes back to their daily business. GOURRY shrugs and turns around to face MARTINA)

MARTINA: Ohayou, Gourry-chan!

GOURRY: Er… ohayou, Martina-san.

MARTINA: What’ve you got there? (MARTINA grabs the book)

GOURRY: Oi, Martina… that’s mine…

MARTINA: (she hides the book behind her back)

GOURRY: Hey! Where’d it go?!

MARTINA: Never mind that! It’s time you started paying attention to more important things!

GOURRY: Oh, you mean like peanut butter! Actually, it’s been a lot on my mind lately—

MARTINA: I mean ME! Come on, Gourry, let’s go paint the town—literally! It’ll be fun! (she holds up buckets of blue paint)

GOURRY: Er… no thanks…

GIRL 1: (in shock) I don’t believe it!

GIRL 2: He turned her down!

GIRL 3: He must be crazy!

GOURRY: Besides, I have to get home to my dad.

MARTINA’S DAD: Ha! He’s just about as dumb as dumb gets.

(MARTINA and her DAD begin laughing)

MARTINA: A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

GOURRY: Hey! Don’t talk about my dad like that!

MARTINA: Yeah! Don’t talk about his dad like that! (MARTINA whacks her DAD upside the head)

GOURRY: My dad’s not dumb! He’s the greatest guy there ever was!

(we hear a huge crash in the background. ALL look to GOURRY’S house, where dust is settling from the crash. MARTINA and her DAD begin laughing again as GOURRY runs off home)

(OUT OF STORY)

LINA: So Martina stalks Gourry? That’s weird.

ZELGADIS: I’m beginning to hope I don’t have a very big part in this.

AMELIA: Come on, Zelgadis-san! This has the makings of a beautiful fairy-tale!

FILIA: Ahem! May I continue? "Gourry rushed back home to his father to see what had happened…"

(BACK IN STORY)

GOURRY: Dad? Dad?

(GOURRY walks in the door to see his DAD, who looks very much like an older version of himself, buried under various things, like a bookshelf, chairs, rugs, etc.)

GOURRY: Uh, Dad? Are you okay?

G’S DAD: (muffled) Oh, I’m fine!

GOURRY: (digging him out of the mess) You tried to walk around the house again, didn’t you?

G’S DAD: Yeah… I just wanted to stretch my legs. I guess I forgot to watch where I was going!

GOURRY: (smiles sweetly) It’s okay, it happens to the best of us… (he helps DAD up)

G’S DAD: Er… Gourry… would you mind leading me outside so I can go have a walk into town?

GOURRY: Uh… sure!

(GOURRY leads his DAD to the front door)

GOURRY: Don’t forget that there’s a door there this time!

G’S DAD: (thud) Oops. Forgot about that. (he leaves out the door)

GOURRY: Don’t forget about the front steps!

(thud thud thud thud)

G’S DAD: Oops…

GOURRY: Bye Dad! Have fun in town!

(OUT OF STORY)

LINA: That’s great! Gourry’s dad is even dumber than he is!

GOURRY: (hurt) Lina-san…

XELLOSS: This story needs something.

LINA: Oh, no you don’t!

XELLOSS: Oh, yes I do! (XELLOSS grabs the book from FILIA)

FILIA: Hey!

XELLOSS: Ahem. "Gourry’s father left the house, and went in completely the wrong direction, and wandered into the woods, and soon found himself lost in the woods after dark…"

(BACK IN STORY)

G’S DAD: Uh… I’m starting to think that this isn’t the town… Uh…

(he holds up a lantern to a sign leading the way to "Town" and "Wolf Pack Woods")

LINA, VOICE OVER: Oh, of course, there have to be wolves in the story.

G’S DAD: Uh… this way looks promising.

(G’S DAD goes down a narrow, ominous and foggy trail, which the sign says is the entrance to "Wolf Pack Woods." He continues on until he smashes into a tree)

G’S DAD: Whoops. Forgot to watch where I was going again.

(He looks up… to see a pack of wolves growling at him… hmm… one looks like Zelas’s wolf form…)

G’S DAD: Oh, aren’t you the cutest litter of puppies I’ve ever seen!

(The wolves growl at him… G’S DAD gulps, gets up hastily and runs from the wolves, who give chase. Finally, he arrives at the gate of an old, gloomy castle. He slams into it, not noticing the gate… But then gets back up and tries to shake it open. Finally, it opens, and he rushes in, slamming the door on the wolves. As it begins to rain, he runs up to the castle and pounds on the door. With a creak, the door opens and he cautiously creeps inside)

G’S DAD: Hello? Is anybody there?

(G’S DAD walks past a table where a candlestick and a small clock sit. The candlestick’s candle has purple wax, and some wax has dripped down at the top to form what looks like a bowl-shaped haircut… The little clock is blue and inlaid with dark blue stones. The two objects grow faces to reveal that they are actually XELLOSS and ZELGADIS)

XELLOSS: (whispering to ZELGADIS) Look, Zel-chan. Another traveler has gotten lost in the woods.

ZELGADIS: Shh! If we’re quiet, maybe he’ll leave.

G’S DAD: Is anybody there?

ZELGADIS: You just keep your wax mouth shut.

G’S DAD: Hello? I was lost in the woods…

ZELGADIS: (mumbles) In more ways than one.

G’S DAD: … and I was wondering if I could have a place to stay for the night.

XELLOSS: How delightful! A visitor!

ZELGADIS: Don’t even think about it!

XELLOSS: (makes cute pouty face at ZEL) Come on, Zel-chan! Don’t be cruel!

ZELGADIS: Shut up! Quiet! (ZEL puts a hand over XEL’S mouth, who touches one of his flaming hands to ZEL’S hand)

ZELGADIS: Ow! Ow! OW! OW! You stupid—

XELLOSS: (giggles) Of course, sir! You’re welcome to stay here!

G’S DAD: Eh? Who said that?

(G’S DAD picks up the candlestick for light, not realizing that the speaker is in his hand)

XELLOSS: (taps him on the shoulder and giggles again) Over here!

(G’S DAD spins around, looking even more confused)

G’S DAD: Where?

(XELLOSS taps him on the side of the head. DAD turns to see him)

XELLOSS: Konban wa!

G’S DAD: Gah! (he drops XELLOSS in surprise) Wow!

ZELGADIS: Oh, now you’ve done it, Xelloss! This is just great- aaaaahh!

(G’S DAD picks up ZELGADIS)

G’S DAD: Cool… (he begins to fiddle with and peruse ZELGADIS)

ZELGADIS: Ano ne! Put me down! Right now!

(G’S DAD tickles the bottoms of ZELGADIS’S feet, who laughs. He begins to wind the spring on ZEL’S back)

ZELGADIS: Stop it! Yamero!!

XELLOSS: (giggling) Oh, what fun…

(G’S DAD opens the front of ZELGADIS and plays with the little pendulum inside. ZELGADIS slams the door shut on his finger)

ZELGADIS: Don’t do that!

G’S DAD: Er… sorry… ah… ahh.. ahhh… ACHOO!

XELLOSS: Look, Zelgadis, he’s caught a cold. Come, sir, and sit down by the fire for a while.

ZELGADIS: No! Absolutely not!

G’S DAD: Arigatou!

(XELLOSS and G’S DAD head toward the den, with ZELGADIS running after them)

ZELGADIS: No, no no! Do you know what the master would say to this! I’ll tell you what she’d say!

(Meanwhile, we see a head with blazing red hair watching from an overhead walkway. The figure rushes off as they enter the den)

(G’S DAD sits down in a large, comfy chair in front of a roaring fire)

ZELGADIS: No! That’s the master’s favorite chair! I don’t believe this… Xelloss! You’ve gone too far this time!

(ZELGADIS is run over by a cart carrying a teapot and some teacups)

TEAPOT (voice of FILIA): Would you like some tea, sir? (she pours some tea into one of the little teacups. The cup hops into G’S DAD’S hand)

ZELGADIS: (muffled, because he is lying face down on the carpet) No! Not tea! Filia, I can’t believe you’re going along with this!

CUP: (as G’S DAD sips some tea from him) Heehee! That tickles!

FILIA: Mind your manners, Val!

(Suddenly, the door to the den swings open with a slam and a strong gust of wind blows into the room, blowing out XELLOSS’S flame and the fire in the fireplace. ZELGADIS dives under the chair for cover. FILIA shakes with fear. VAL jumps back onto the cart and hides behind FILIA)

VAL: Uh oh…

(LINA enters, and does she ever look mad. You’ve seen her really mad. Well, multiply that tenfold, and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what she looks like here)

LINA: What’s going on in here? I was in the middle of my dinner!

XELLOSS: (who has relit his flames) Lina-sama! He was lost in the woods and was cold and wet… (his last sentence is drowned out by LINA’S furious "roar," which puts out his flames again. XELLOSS makes a kawaii pouty face)

(ZELGADIS comes out from under the chair)

ZELGADIS: Lina-sama! I would just like to say… that it was completely Xelloss’s fault! I was against this from the beginning! But that idiot just wouldn’t listen to me!

(LINA strides over and boots ZELGADIS into the wall)

LINA: (to G’S DAD) Who are you? What are you doing in here?

G’S DAD: Uh… gomen nasai! I was lost in the woods…

LINA: Don’t you know not to enter a house you’re not invited into?! Yeesh!

G’S DAD: Uh… sorry… I guess I forgot about that…

LINA: Jeez! Do you have jelly for brains or something?!

G’S DAD: (cowering) I was just looking for a place to stay!…

LINA: You want a place to stay? If you want a place to stay, it’ll be in the kitchen, cooking for me all day!

G’S DAD: … … … Okay!

(XELLOSS, ZELGADIS, FILIA and VAL all facefault)

(Fade out)

(OUT OF STORY)

LINA: Yeesh! Come on, I’m not that bad!

ZEL: It figures that this story went from a fairy tale to a nightmare once Xelloss started reading.

XEL: Can we all agree, though, that Lina-san is most likable when she’s brimming over with rage?

(silence from everyone else)

XEL: Or not…

AMELIA: Here! Let me read for a while! (AMELIA grabs the book, XELLOSS pouts) Ahem… "Back at Gourry’s cottage…"

(BACK IN STORY)

(We see GOURRY’S cottage, seen from MARTINA and her DAD’S point of view from hiding in the bushes)

MARTINA: Gourry’s gonna get the surprise of this life, right Daddy?

M’S DAD: Yes dear.

MARTINA: This is his lucky day. NE, Daddy?

M’S DAD: Yes dear.

MARTINA: A HA HA HA HA… (MARTINA gets up and turns to a band and wedding guests, all waiting just out of sight of GOURRY’S cottage)

MARTINA: (to guests) Arigatou gozaimasu, minna-san! It touches me that you’ve all come to my wedding!

M’S DAD: But I thought you had just picked out total strangers and paid them to—

MARTINA: Zip your lip! And now… I shall go in and propose to my future husband!

(MARTINA walks to GOURRY’S front door to the sound of lethargic applause)

(Cut to interior of GOURRY’S cottage. GOURRY sits reading his book)

GOURRY: This book is a tough one… so many five-letter words…

(There is a knock at the door. GOURRY gets up and looks through the peephole, and sees a fish-eye view of MARTINA making a kawaii face. GOURRY pushes the door open)

MARTINA: Konnichi wa, Gourry-sama!

GOURRY: Er… hi, Martina. I wasn’t expecting you…

MARTINA: You won’t be expecting what I’ve come here to tell you either!

GOURRY: Eh? Sou ka?

(MARTINA cuddles GOURRY’S arm; GOURRY looks a little creeped out)

MARTINA: Picture this, Gourry-sama… if you have the mental capacity… A huge, shiny castle… where you and I rule over the entire country as husband and wife…

GOURRY: Uh… (GOURRY begins trying to prop up the bookshelf his dad had knocked over when he left)

MARTINA: We’ll live there all day, with our seven daughters… each one cuter and prettier and MORE RUTHLESS than the last… (sighs happily)

GOURRY: Eh? (looks very doubtful and very unsure) Just… what are you getting at?

MARTINA: Marry me, Gourry!

GOURRY: I’m not sure what to say…

MARTINA: Say you’ll run away with me! We’ll be so happy!

GOURRY: Hmmmmmm… No thank you! But thanks for asking! (smiles brightly)

(Just then, the bookshelf GOURRY has been trying all this time to put back up falls, effectively booting MARTINA out the door) Oops…

(MARTINA lands outside at her father’s feet. The wedding guests shrug indifferently and walk off)

MARTINA: No matter what, I WILL marry Gourry Gabriev!

M’S DAD: Yes dear.

(They walk off. The focus returns to the cottage. GOURRY pokes his head out the door)

GOURRY: Hmm. They’re gone. Don’t know what I’ll do. She just won’t let up, and I can’t tell her enough that I’m not interested in marriage…

"GOURRY (REPRISE)" (was: "Belle (reprise)")

lead vocal: Gourry

I tell her no

She doesn’t get it

I tell her no

And then she yells!

I get confused

Thinking about it

I’m just not ready to hear wedding bells

I must go somewhere where the mind don’t matter

Where it won’t matter if I’m dumb

An opinion would be nice

So maybe I would entice

My father to give me some advice!

(OUT OF STORY)

LINA: Ugh! How corny was that?

ZEL: It seems that Gourry is much more eloquent when he’s singing.

LINA: It’s a musical. Whaddaya want?

ZEL: A decent part in it.

XEL: Don’t hold your breath, Zel-chan!

AMELIA; Hey, I was in the middle of reading! Stop interrupting me! "Gourry sought out his father, then after an hour, remembered he had gone into town. So he set out (in the wrong direction, of course) to find him…"

(BACK IN STORY)

(We see GOURRY at the castle gate)

GOURRY: Could I have taken a wrong turn? … Hmm… … I’ve never seen this place before… that means… … … they must have just built it! (nods to himself in satisfaction) I am feeling sharp today! (he enters the castle)

(cut to the interior of the castle, where XELLOSS and ZELGADIS discuss the situation)

ZELGADIS: I don’t believe you! You knew there are no guests allowed in this castle! He probably would have been better off out in the rain!

XELLOSS: My, Zel-chan! Such a cruel heart! (smirks)

ZELGADIS: Oh, shut up.

(Cut to the castle door opening, and GOURRY entering the castle)

GOURRY: Hello? Dad? Hey Dad!

(We follow GOURRY as he ascends the grand staircase and looks for his dad)

(cut to kitchen, where FILIA stands next to a tub of hot water. VAL hops in)

VAL: Mommy! There’s a guy in the castle!

FILIA: A guy! … Val! Uso da! Stop telling stories.

VAL: I saw him, I saw him!

FILIA: That’s enough of your wild imagination! Telling lies will cause one to gradually become a bad person! Now get into your bath!

(VAL hops in)

(a feather duster enters the room)

FEATHER DUSTER: (voice of NAGA) A guy! There’s a guy in the castle! O HO HO HO HO HO HO!!!

FILIA: Nani?!

VAL: See see! I told you!

(cut back to XELLOSS and ZELGADIS arguing)

ZELGADIS: You irresponsible…

XELLOSS: Ooh… that’s not nice…

GOURRY: Oi, Dad!

(XEL and ZEL turn to look at the newcomer)

XELLOSS: Mite, mite, Zel-chan!

(GOURRY walks past them and down a hall)

XELLOSS: It’s a guy!

ZELGADIS: I can see that!

XELLOSS: Don’t you see! He’s the guy we’ve been waiting for all these years! He’ll be the one to break the spell!

(We hear a thud as GOURRY bumps into a wall)

XELLOSS: (shrugs) Well… maybe. (XELLOSS starts to chase after GOURRY)

ZELGADIS: Now, hold on a minute! Stop, you arrogant— (he follows)

(GOURRY walks down a narrow hallway. XELLOSS and ZELGADIS follow him, and open a door just before GOURRY passes it)

GOURRY: Dad?

(XELLOSS and ZELGADIS run off as GOURRY enters the room)

GOURRY: Is anyone there?

G’S DAD: (from inside) Gourry? Is that you?

GOURRY: (joyous) Dad! (he rushes into the room)

G’S DAD: Wow! How’d you get here?

(GOURRY’S DAD is busy cooking, but not doing a very good job at it. He’s a complete mess and so is the kitchen, but he actually doesn’t seem to mind it that much)

GOURRY: Dad! I came to rescue you… or something!

G’S DAD: Oh, from that scary girl?

GOURRY: What scary girl?

(At that moment, a hand whacks GOURRY over the head)

GOURRY: Oww…

G’S DAD: Hi, scary girl!

GOURRY: … Hi, scary girl!

LINA: What are YOU doing here?!

GOURRY: (proudly) I came to rescue my dad!

LINA: But he’s my chef! Where am I supposed to get another one, hmm?!

GOURRY: Hmm… hmm… (brightly) I’ll take his place!

LINA: Are you stupid?!

GOURRY: Kinda.

LINA: If you stay, that means you stay here forever!

G’S DAD: Really, Gourry, that’s fine!

GOURRY: No, Dad. I will stay here.

G’S DAD: … … … Okay! Have fun, Son!

LINA: (to G’S DAD) You can go now!

G’S DAD: Okay! Ja ne! See ya later!

LINA: Bye! (LINA boots G’S DAD out a window… then smiles with satisfaction)

LINA: Come on, I’ll show you to your room.

GOURRY: (dumbly) Huh?

LINA: (growls impatiently) What, you WANNA live in the kitchen?!

GOURRY: Uh… …

LINA: (drags GOURRY) Follow me!

(GOURRY follows LINA, who is using XELLOSS for a light source)

XELLOSS: (whispers) Hey, Lina-sama! Say something to him!

LINA: Huh?! Like what?

XELLOSS: Tell him the castle’s haunted. Tell him about our roach problems. Tell him he’ll be tortured every night for the rest of his life!

LINA: Shut up!

XELLOSS: (disappointed) Aww…

LINA: (to GOURRY) Since you’ll be living here now, you can go anywhere you want… except the West Wing.

GOURRY: Hm! What’s in there?

LINA: None of your business! (she bops GOURRY with the hand that isn’t holding XELLOSS)

(cut to interior of GOURRY’S room. It’s dark until the door opens and light spills in)

LINA: There you go.

(GOURRY flops down on the bed)

LINA: If there’s anything you want, besides, my food, that is, don’t hesitate to… get my servants to get it for you.

GOURRY: (cheerfully) Okay!

XELLOSS: (whispers) Ano! Invite him to dinner!

LINA: Nani?! Oh, all right. You can come down to dinner later on, if you want.

(LINA slams the door)

(OUT OF STORY)

LINA: Gah! I’m not that mean! You’re talking about me like I’m some sort of beast!

FILIA: That’s kind of the point, Lina-san.

LINA: Here! Gimme that book!

AMELIA: Okay! (she hands it over to LINA)

LINA: Okay. "Meanwhile, in a tavern back in town, Martina was brooding over the fact that she was a complete loser."

FILIA: Lina-san! Must you be so crude?

LINA: Yeah, I must. "Martina said…"

(BACK IN STORY)

MARTINA: Hmph! Who does he think he is? He’s said "no" to me for the last time!

M’S DAD: Yes dear.

MARTINA: I was humiliated in front of the whole town! I’m mentally and socially scarred for life!

M’S DAD: Now, come on, dear, it’s not that bad…

"MARTINA" (was: "Gaston")

lead vocal: Martina, Martina’s dad

Gosh it disturbs me to see you sit here

Pouting and saying "life sucks"

And Martina please don’t hang your head

Just cuz you’re down on your luck

Zoamelgustar is rooting for you

To succeed and marry that guy

This mood of pouting and brooding’s not you

Don’t give up, girl, and reach for the sky!

No one’s sweet as you are

No one’s neat as you are

No one’s cute from her head to her feet as you are!

For there’s no girl with hair that is bluer

Your laughter could shatter pane glass!

There’s no way that my words could be truer

If one man disagrees he’ll get kicked in the ass!

FANGIRLS: Who is smart like she is

Sour as tarts like she is

M’S DAD: Who’s much more than the sum of her parts like she is?

MARTINA: I give orders and border on psychopathic

ALL: No doubt a pro, Martina!

ALL: Give five "banzais!"

She’ll have her boy

FANGIRLS: Martina’s the best

And her chest is sugoi!

ALL: No one pouts like she does

No one shouts like she does

Who gets kicked out of her crushes house like she does (MARTINA pounds him)

GIRLS: For there’s no one as girlish and bratty

MARTINA: I use magic when I curl my hair!

M’S DAD: Not to mention she’s "kickin’" and "phatty"

MARTINA: And I’m smart and cunning and never play fair!

ALL: No one wails like she does

Paints her nails like she does

M’S DAD: Who gets up and moves on when she fails like she does?

MARTINA: I’m clever and never anachronistic! A HA HA HA!!

ALL: Who brags like she does?

MARTINA: When I was a girl I would whine to my dad

When I wanted what I couldn’t get

And now that I’m grown, I whack him on the head

And he hasn’t said "no" to me yet!

ALL: Who bakes fudge like she does?

Holds a grudge like she does?

M’S DAD: When in trouble, refuses to budge like she does?

MARTINA: The urge to suck up to me’s automatic!

ALL: Let’s give her a hand

She’s the best in the land

What girl makes her dad twitch?

Who’s an arrogant bitch?

Who’s the pro? Who’s the ace?

It’s all over her face

It’s no doubt she’s a girl with a plan

M’S DAD: She’s amazing and cool, seldom acts like a fool!

(MARTINA winds up to whack him)

And her name’s M-A- (WHACK) OW!

M-A-R-T- OW!

M-A-R-T-I- OW!

ALL: Martina!

(At that moment, GOURRY’S DAD wanders into the tavern)

M’S DAD: Dear, there’s Gourry’s idiotic father right now!

MARTINA: I can see that! Hey, Gourry’s dad!

(G’S DAD looks around for a moment)

G’S DAD: Me?

MARTINA: How many other fathers of guys named Gourry do you see in here? Where’s Gourry?

G’S DAD: Oh! He was forced to be the chef of this very nice scary witch who lives in a haunted castle in the woods!

(Everyone in tavern laughs uproariously)

GIRL1: Is she an evil witch?

G’S DAD: Uh… I guess…

GIRL2: With horribly sharp fangs?

G’S DAD: Yeah.

GIRL3: With tiny, undersized breasts?

G’S DAD: … now that you mention it, they were pretty small…

(cut to outside of tavern. We hear a "boot" noise as GOURRY’S DAD is kicked out onto the pavement)

G’S DAD: What a nice bunch of guys. (walks home)

"MARTINA (REPRISE)" (was: "Gaston (reprise)")

lead vocals: Martina and her dad

MARTINA: Now daddy you know I’m a genius (M’S DAD nods)

M’S DAD: Yes dear, that is what we all know

MARTINA: We all know that my Gourry’s a moron

His dad’s IQ is even more low!

Now since Gourry’s dad’s margin’ly dumber

And is proven a gullible man

That leads me to think exploitation’s the key

And I think I’ve developed a plan!

(MARTINA whispers her plot to her DAD)

M’S DAD: (sigh) … … … Yes dear.

MARTINA: Who acts vain like she does?

Inflicts pain like she does?

M’S DAD: Who can make up these endless refrains like she does?

ALL: It just goes to show that this girl’s neurotic…

Give her a hand,

Martina!

MARTINA: That’s me! A HA HA HA HA!!!

(OUT OF STORY)

ZELGADIS: This is insane.

XELLOSS: I know! Isn’t it wonderful?

LINA: Don’t whine, Zel. Some of us want to hear the story.

ZELGADIS: I can’t take anymore. (to LINA) May I?

LINA: Sure… (she passes the book to ZEL)

ZEL: Okay, what happens next… "Back in the castle, Gourry relaxed in his bedroom…"

(BACK IN STORY)

(GOURRY lays spread out comfortably on the bed. The room is already a mess. There is a knock at the door; GOURRY gets up to answer it)

(FILIA enters with VAL)

GOURRY: (too dumb to think a talking teapot is extraordinary) Hi, teapot lady! Hi, little teacup boy!

WARDROBE: (voice of AMELIA) Hi, Filia! Hi, Val!

GOURRY: (with even less intelligence) … Hi Filia! Hi Val!… Hi, wardrobe lady!

VAL: (cutely) Told ya he was stupid, didn’t I Mama?

FILIA: Val! Shame! Now go over to Gourry-san and give him some tea!

(VAL hops over to GOURRY, who is sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed)

GOURRY: Arigatou! (he takes a sip from VAL)

FILIA: That was a very brave thing you did.

AMELIA: yes, you’re an inspiration!

GOURRY: (confused) Gee, thanks… but hot tea doesn’t bother me that much.

(mass facefault)

FILIA: Er… I have to go get supper on the table.

GOURRY: Okay, bye!

(FILIA and VAL leave)

AMELIA: Well, let’s see, I’m sure I have something for you to wear to dinner.

(She opens up her drawers. There’s lots of clashing, mismatched outfits inside)

AMELIA: (picking one out) Why don’t you wear this one?

GOURRY: … What for?

AMELIA: To dinner.

GOURRY: Oh, that’s right. Dinner!

AMELIA: Dinner is one of Lina-sama’s favorite things. There aren’t many things she likes more.

GOURRY: … … Uh… … more than what?

AMELIA: Dinner! Dinner! Remember?

(ZELGADIS enter)

ZELGADIS: Dinner’s on, minna-san.

(cut to LINA sitting at the table before a massive feast. She twiddles her fingers impatiently. FILIA and XELLOSS are on the table, waiting with her)

LINA: What’s taking him so long? I told him to come down. I wanna eat!

FILIA: Calm down, Lina-sama. Try to be patient.

XELLOSS: Lina-sama! Have you thought that maybe this is the boy we’ve been waiting for?

LINA: Feh! Yeah right. (shrugs) I dunno. Maybe.

XELLOSS: Then you two better hook up and get crackin’, so we can be human again!

FILIA: Xelloss! How crude!

XELLOSS: Go soak your spout.

FILIA: Now, Lina-sama, you’ll never win that nice boy’s heart if you don’t act like a proper girl. For starters, stop slouching.

(LINA sits up straight)

XELLOSS: And when he gets here, give him your sweet smile. Let’s see you smile, Lina-sama!

(LINA grins broadly, showing a classic pair of anime girl fangs)

LINA: Howth thith?

FILIA: That’ll scare him to death!

XELLOSS: And impress him with your rapier wit!

FILIA: You filthy…! Don’t you even mention rape!

XELLOSS: I said rapier! Excuse me for trying to speak French.

(ZELGADIS enters)

ZELGADIS: Oi… konban wa, Lina-sama.

LINA: Well? Where is he?!

ZELGADIS: (looking behind him) Wha… where did he…?

XELLOSS: (smugly) I’ll bet he’s not coming.

LINA: NANI???!!!!

(We now see the outside door to GOURRY’S room. LINA screeches to a halt in front of it. ZELGADIS, FILIA and XELLOSS soon follow. LINA bangs on the door)

LINA: I thought I told you to come down!

GOURRY: (from inside) Oh… what for?

LINA: Dinner, you idiot!

GOURRY: Oh, that’s right!

LINA: Now get ready!

GOURRY: … … … for what?

LINA: DINNER! DINNER, YOU IDIOT!

FILIA: Please, Lina-sama. Do be patient.

LINA: But he is so STUPID!

XELLOSS: Give it another try!

LINA: … … … Will you please come out now?

GOURRY: What for?

LINA: I GIVE UP!! I’m too hungry to stand around here all night!! (to XEL, ZEL and FILIA) He doesn’t eat until he remembers what’s what!!

(she storms off, presumably to eat)

XELLOSS: Yare, yare…

ZELGADIS: Xelloss, you stay here and tell us if the boy leaves his room.

XELLOSS: (shrugs) Hai.

ZELGADIS: (to FILIA) Come on. Let’s go downstairs and start cleaning up.

(cut to interior of LINA’S lair, with the enchanted candy under a glass case on a table. LINA walks over to it, kicking and destroying stuff on the way)

LINA: He’s such total idiot! There’s no way he’s the one who’s destined to break the spell… It’s completely useless!

(she sulks, looking out onto the balcony and the starry night sky. A piece falls off the candy. Growling, LINA grabs it up and eats it)

LINA: Mm. That’s good chocolate.

(fade to exterior of GOURRY’S room. The door creaks open, and GOURRY silently emerges. We see him go by as three bright spots shine through a curtain at floor level. Behind it are XELLOSS and NAGA (nice coupling huh))

NAGA: Oh ho ho… ooh…

XELLOSS: (giggles) Ooh, that tickles!

NAGA: Oh, ohhh… oh Xelloss!

XELLOSS: Woohoo!! (note: I think I’m jealous)

(XELLOSS and NAGA have by now emerged and XELLOSS sees GOURRY walking down the hall)

XELLOSS: Hey, it’s that boy!

(cut to kitchen, where we see ZELGADIS, FILIA, VAL, and the STOVE)

FILIA: Go on into the cupboard, Val. It’s time for bed.

VAL: I’m not tired…

FILIA: Yes, you are. Go to bed.

VAL: No I’m not… (he falls asleep, FILIA shuts the cupboard door)

STOVE: I worked all day on this! And for what! It’s gone completely to waste!

FILIA: We’ve all had a long night.

ZELGADIS: Val was right though. That boy is incredibly dim.

FILIA: Come now, Zelgadis. I thought you were above those kind of remarks. Lina is incredibly stubborn. At this rate the spell will never be broken.

(GOURRY enters)

FILIA: Ah, good evening!

(XELLOSS comes running in)

ZELGADIS: I am Zelgadis, the head of the household. And this is Xelloss.

XELLOSS: Konban wa!

FILIA: If there’s anything you need, you just ask!

GOURRY: Actually, I’m really hungry!

FILIA: Of course!

ZELGADIS: Ano ne! Remember what Lina-sama told us!

XELLOSS: Aw, don’t be such a stick in the mud!

ZELGADIS: Well… maybe a couple rice balls and a glass of water. But that’s it.

XELLOSS: Zel-chan! Dameyo! We’re not going to let this boy starve! (to GOURRY) This way, please!

ZELGADIS: Well… okay, but just keep it down. If Lina finds out, we’re done for!

XELLOSS: Yeah, yeah. But… what’s dinner with out a little music, ne?

(XELLOSS has started out the swinging door to the dining room. He lets it close, and the door hits ZELGADIS and sends him flying across the room to land in a bowl of stuff as he cries, "MUSIC??!!")

XELLOSS: Wow, I’ve never actually seen time fly before! (smirk)

(Cut to the dining room, where GOURRY is seated at the end of a long table. XELLOSS gets up on the table and a purple spotlight shines on him)

"WE’RE THE BEST!" (was: "Be Our Guest")

lead vocal: Xelloss

XELLOSS: Konban wa, Gourry-san. I’m Xelloss, here to provide your dinner entertainment for this evening. So pull a chair up to the table and enjoy the show!…

(sings) We’re the best!

We’re the best!

When we have a dinner guest

Get your worries off you mind, Gourry

You look a little stressed (actually, he just looks confused)

Stuff your face

Just pigout

Throw that timid diner out

Try the green stuff, it’s disgusting

It’s the crud from last year’s dusting! (ZEL whacks XEL)

Here’s your meal

Here’s your food

Even better, it’s prechewed! (FILIA spouts tea at XEL, who giggles)

And no visitor is ever unimpressed

Go on, forget your manners

While inside our manor

We’re the best

Yes, the best

We’re the best!

ALL: Ice cream cake,

Gingersnaps

XEL: Who would eat this rotten crap? (this earns a glare from ZEL)

Still it’s grand where it’s not banned

A culinary booby trap

Try our corn

On the cob

And feel free to be a slob

No one’s sappy or romantic

When the feast is this gigantic

Have some pie!

Have some cake!

Soon you’ll have a bellyache (a cake falls on XEL)

CAKE: I’ve never met a fruitcake big as him!

ALL: Just chow down while we sing

We’ll treat you like a king

Only the best!

XEL: (Out of date

Was the omelet that you ate!) (ZEL kicks XEL off the table)

ALL: We’re the best!

We’re the best!

We’re the best!

XEL: Life is just so boring

For a teapot who’s not pouring (he puts an arm around FILIA)

Bit by bit, prefers to sit upon her butt (FILIA hits XEL)

She, after ten years, becomes abusive (he smirks at her)

Cause she can’t handle life in a rut

Depressed is Zel the clock (he puts an arm around ZEL)

Cause he no longer has a— (ZEL punches XEL)

A sour attitude, and angry stares galore

He’s on the edge of a nervous breakdown

Bitter, mad and hazy

I have fun driving him crazy!

FILIA: What a pest!

What a pest!

But I’ve no time to be depressed

He’s got nerve but I must serve

We’ve got a handsome dinner guest

Have some tea

Have some bread

We won’t stop ‘till you’re well-fed (XEL pops up)

XEL: This lady’s food is pretty yucky

You’ll only throw up, if you’re lucky! (FILIA shoves him away)

FILIA: Shut your mouth!

It is not!

For a flame, you’re not so hot

Get to work, don’t put my temper to the test

Please try our cherry pie

We’ll make you shout "banzai!"

You’ll be impressed

ALL: We’re the best!

FILIA: We’re the best!

ALL: We’re the best!

XEL: Be our guest!

Make a mess!

Don’t be worried or distressed

You’ve got good taste, and you’ve tried our hazardous waste

We’re a success! (ZEL and FILIA are screaming at him, but the music’s too loud to hear them)

You just might

Buy the farm

If you try the Lucky Charms! (ZEL and FILIA facefault)

Let your eating be incessant

Don’t mind that the

Food’s fluorescent!

ALL: You want more?

We can do!

XEL: For your sake, avoid the stew!

ALL: And when we’ll stop is anybody’s guess!

XEL: The cream puff’s light and airy

And the cheese is hairy

ALL: Please say yes

Please suggest

Your request

Cause we’re the best!

(OUT OF STORY)

ZELGADIS: Okay. This has officially gotten too weird.

AMELIA: Come on, Zelgadis-san, I think that was wonderful!

GOURRY: Yeah, I think that’s the best part in the whole story! Here. Give me the book. Let me read for a little while.

ZELGADIS: (shrugs) I guess. (he hands the book over to GOURRY)

GOURRY: Okay! "Gourry clapped his hands and said…"

(BACK IN STORY)

GOURRY: (applauding) Wow! That was great!

XELLOSS: I haven’t had this much fun since Zel-chan had termites!

ZELGADIS: Don’t remind me, you sadistic candlestick! Now, it’s time for everyone to go to bed before Lina gets up and sees what’s going on.

GOURRY: Aw… I’m not even tired! I wanna tour of the castle! I’ve always wanted to live in an enchanted castle!

ZELGADIS: Enchanted? Who ever said anything about it being enchanted? (as he says this, MARCO and SERA in the form of a spoon and fork run by, calling each other names. ZEL glares at XELLOSS) It was you, wasn’t it!!

(XELLOSS sticks his tongue out cheerfully)

GOURRY: Actually, I kinda figured it out for myself…

(meanwhile, XELLOSS and ZELGADIS have been having it out—sword fighting with swizzle sticks. They both look at GOURRY, then stop. ZELGADIS dusts himself off, XELLOSS fixes his waxen hair)

GOURRY: Come on, let’s look around!

XELLOSS: Come on, Zel-chan, let’s give him the tour!!

ZELGADIS: I don’t think that’s a good idea. (confidentially, to XELLOSS) We can’t have him looking around in… you know where.

XELLOSS: (playing dumb) No, I don’t.

ZELGADIS: Shut up!

GOURRY: Please? Please? Please?

ZELGADIS: Well… all right… but only a short one! And then you need to go to bed.

(fade out and in to ZELGADIS, XELLOSS and GOURRY walking down the halls. ZELGADIS is half-heartedly, yet hurriedly speaking about the contents of the hall)

ZELGADIS: This is a hall. Note the carpet. It’s red. Note the paintings of explosions and of food on the wall that our slightly psychotic mistress refuses to take down.

(XELLOSS yawns. This catches ZEL’S attention. He looks back and notices that GOURRY is missing)

ZELGADIS: Xelloss! Where’s Gourry?

XELLOSS: (shrugs cheerfully) Oh, he got lost. We lost him way back there. I was just amused that you never realized it. (chuckles lightly)

(meanwhile, GOURRY is indeed completely lost)

GOURRY: Zel? Xel? Where are you? (he thinks to himself) They must have gotten lost! (nods to himself) Man, those guys are hopeless. … Zel? Xel? Where are you?

(meanwhile…)

ZELGDAIS: You idiot, we have to find him! Come on!

(they both run off in search of GOURRY, and finally find him climbing up the grand staircase to the West Wing. They run up to him and jump in front of him, blocking his progress upstairs)

GOURRY: Oi! There you are! Say, what’s up there?

ZELGADIS: Nothing. Nothing at all.

XELLOSS: Lots of fun stuff! You should go and see it!

(ZELGADIS whacks XEL a good one)

GOURRY: I bet Lina-san’s hiding something up there.

ZELGADIS: Eh?… She’s not hiding anything.

GOURRY: Oh. Then it must be okay for me to go up there. (he steps over them and heads up the stairs)

XELLOSS: That’s right, go on!

ZELGADIS: Are you insane?!

XELLOSS: Zel-chan, I love it when you’re mad!

ZELGADIS: Will you shut up? This is serious!

(XELLOSS only laughs at him—his mirth is cut off by ZEL)

ZELGADIS: Xelloss! Gourry’s gone!!

XELLOSS: Nani?… (nonchalantly) Oh, he must have gone up into the West Wing.

ZELGADIS: I don’t believe this…

(Yep. GOURRY has again gotten away from the two and is already in the West Wing. He enters a dark room full of overturned furniture, torn wallpaper, and dust everywhere. There are things such as candy wrappers, chicken bones, and other similar litter scattered on the floor)

GOURRY: I don’t see what’s so great about all this…

(then, GOURRY notices the candy bar under the bell jar)

GOURRY: Ooh… candy…

(cautiously, GOURRY goes up to it and slowly takes the jar off… leaving it… UNPROTECTED!! (DUN DUN DUNNNN) He reaches out to touch it… but he never does, because LINA’S shadow falls over him. LINA has been on the balcony and has just come back into the room and seen GOURRY. He slams the jar back over the candy and glares at GOURRY, enraged)

LINA: What are you doing here?? I should Dragon Slave you into next week!

GOURRY: (scared) Uh… I… gomen nasai!

LINA: Look what you almost did!! Jellyfish no baka!!

GOURRY: Uh… I… didn’t mean it!!

(LINA has already begun mumbling the spell for the Dragon Slave. Terrified, GOURRY flees from the room. LINA calms down, but then grows disappointed, realizing what she’s done)

LINA: Aw, kuso… Now I’ve done it…

(GOURRY reaches the doorway and rushes down the stairs and past XELLOSS and ZELGADIS)

ZELGADIS: W- where are you going?

GOURRY: I’m getting out of here. You better get out too!

ZELGADIS: What do you—uh oh.

LINA: (distantly) DRAGON SLAVE!!!

(GOURRY has gotten out of the castle just in time, before an explosion goes up from inside. GOURRY leaves the castle and runs out into the forest. Suddenly, who should happen to show up but "Zelas’s" wolf pack! GOURRY begins to run away, but slams into a tree. He forgot to watch where he was going again. Just in time, LINA shows up and starts blasting the wolves to kingdom come (this scene not approved by the World Wildlife Federation), but one manages to take a chomp out of her arm)

LINA: How dare you!! FIREBALL!!

(she finally takes the last of them out, but then falls to the ground from exhaustion)

GOURRY: Uh oh. Guess she got pretty tired. (GOURRY gets up and, picks up LINA, and begins to carry her back to the castle (wouldn’t that be such a romantic picture?))

(fade to interior of den, with GOURRY trying to bandage LINA’S wound, but is doing a clumsy job of it. He seems to think that a wound should be bandaged and THEN washed)

LINA: Ow! Baka!

GOURRY: Well… maybe if you’d quit trying to cast a recovery spell, I could concentrate…

LINA: If you hadn’t run off, this wouldn’t have happened!!

GOURRY: But… you scared me!!

LINA: … (LINA opens her mouth to respond, but has to stop and think of a good line) Well, if you can’t handle a little Dragon Slave, then you don’t even deserve to live in this castle!

GOURRY: Well… maybe you should try to learn to control your temper.

(LINA raises her hand to bring out another point, then realizes she has none)

GOURRY: Oh. Thanks for saving me, by the way!

LINA: Yeah yeah. (but she’s smiling)

(The camera zooms out and we see the OBJECTS looking on with interest. Fade to MARTINA’S tavern, which is empty except for MARTINA, MARTINA’S DAD, and GAAV, who are sitting at a table (yup, Gaav, as much as I hate him, has a little part in this))

GAAV: You want me to do what?

MARTINA: This is my plan! I won’t rest until Gourry is my husband, but he needs a little persuasion, see?

MARTINA’S DAD: Exactly.

MARTINA: And… everybody knows that Gourry’s dad is so dumb, he’s dangerous! He came in here saying something about Gourry being locked away in a castle by a small-breasted witch…

GAAV: He may be stupid, but he’s not dangerous.

MARTINA: Still! Gourry may be dumb as well, but he is noble! And he would do anything to keep his daddy from being locked away!

GAAV: So… you want me to put Gourry’s father in the jail unless Gourry agrees to marry you?

MARTINA: That’s the idea!

GAAV: (pauses, then smiles) It’s an intriguing concept…

(cut to interior of GOURRY’S cottage. GOURRY’S DAD is packing to leave)

GOURRY’S DAD: Well! If no one will help me, then I’ll go back by myself! (GOURRY’S DAD leaves the house cheerfully. Seconds later, MARTINA and HER DAD arrive with GAAV. They enter the house, looking for one of the residents)

MARTINA: Gourry-sama!!

MARTINA’S DAD: Ah well. It appears that they’re not here, Martina dear.

(they leave the house)

MARTINA: Daddy, you stay here until either of them comes home, and don’t move until they do!

MARTINA’S DAD: But… but…

MARTINA: I mean it!

MARTINA’S DAD: … … Yes dear.

(OUT OF STORY)

AMELIA: How horrible!

GOURRY: You see, this is building up dramatic suspense, leading up to the climax of the story, in which the protagonist appears to be defeated, but then in a quick turning of the tables, triumphs during the falling action and the story heads toward the happy ending at the resolution!

(everyone stares, astonished, at GOURRY)

GOURRY: What?

XELLOSS: Gourry with a book in his hands is indeed a dangerous thing. Here. (XELLOSS grabs the book)

GOURRY: Aww…

XELLOSS: Let’s see now! "Back at Lina’s castle…"

(BACK IN STORY)

(GOURRY is playing in the snow, trying to build a snowman, but somehow, he’s managed to make it upside down. LINA, XELLOSS and ZELGADIS watch from the balcony)

LINA: This is so weird! I feel like… I wanna do something for him.

XELLOSS: Like make him not so dumb?

ZELGADIS: Go soak your wick.

LINA: What could I do for him? (she looks to ZELGADIS)

ZELGADIS: What would I know?

XELLOSS: It has to be something special!

ZELGADIS: What do you know about love?

LINA: Wait! Who ever said anything about love?

XELLOSS: Let’s see. It should be something that sparks his interest… ah!

XELLOSS: (at the same time as LINA says the same thing) I know!

(Cut to int. hallway leading to the dining room. LINA and GOURRY are alone)

LINA: Gourry! There’s something I wanna show you!

GOURRY: Really? What is it? Where?

LINA: Settle down! (she begins to open the door, but then stops) But first, you have to close your eyes.

GOURRY: Why?

LINA: Close them! Close your eyes!!

(GOURRY closes his eyes, then LINA opens the door and leads him in)

GOURRY: Can I open them now?

LINA: No! Don’t open ‘em or you get a Fireball between ‘em! … … Uh, I mean… okay, you can open them now!

(GOURRY opens his eyes and with him we see a huge table stacked with food)

GOURRY: Wow! Food! Yaay!

LINA: (surprised) You… like it?

GOURRY: Yeah!

LINA: (relieved and happy) Come on, Gourry, let’s go eat!!

(they both charge the table and begin devouring the feast laid out before them)

(Cut to LINA and GOURRY eating in the background, with the OBJECTS watching in the foreground)

FILIA: Oh, isn’t this wonderful!

XELLOSS: (smugly) I knew it would work.

VAL: What? What worked?

ZELGADIS: I think this may actually work out in the end.

NAGA: This is so exciting! O HO HO HO HO!!

VAL: What’s so exciting?

(XELLOSS whispers something to VAL)

VAL: Eeeew!! People do that?

FILIA: Xelloss!

XELLOSS: (innocently) What?

FILIA: (frustrated) Come on, Val. There’s a lot of work to be done in… wherever Xelloss isn’t.

VAL: Hey, Filia, I have some questions about—

FILIA: Not now.

(the OBJECTS walk away)(note: in this upcoming scene, you will see something that is rare or nonexistent in the world of Slayers)

(LINA and GOURRY are eating from a plate of meatballs until there is only one left. In some miracle of generosity, LINA gives the last one to GOURRY)

PARODY OF "SOMETHING THERE"

LEAD VOCAL: Gourry, Lina

GOURRY: The way she eats

Is just like me

I love the way she sings dramatic songs off key

I think it’s me

That she adores

‘Cause no one has ever hit me that hard before.

LINA: That stupid guy

Just looked my way

And suddenly I don’t think I know what to say

It creeps me out

This way I feel

And yet I can’t believe that this guy is for real

GOURRY: That gaze is vitrifying

And her eyes so positively red

True that she’s terrifying

But there’s something ‘bout the way she hits me on the head

(Meanwhile, the OBJECTS are still in the hall watching them eat)

XELLOSS: Yare, Yare!

FILIA: Oh, this is grand!

ZELGADIS: They’ve hit it off…

FILIA: The two of them!

XELLOSS: And just imagine what it’ll be like when they—

(ZEL covers his mouth) Mmph!!

ZELGADIS: Shut up, you moron!

XEL, ZEL: And someday in

ALL 3: A puff of smoke

They’ll fall in love and at last the spell will be broke!

VAL: Filia, I have a question about—

ZELGADIS: You know, perhaps there’s a chance the spell will finally be broke!

VAL: But Filia… ano…

FILIA: It’ll be so romantic when the spell is broke!

VAL: But Filia, I wanna ask—

(Cut to interior of LINA’S room. She’s in the bathtub (getting ready for her big "date" with GOURRY), but we only see her silhouette, because she has a curtain pulled in front of her. XELLOSS is in the room, but in front of the curtain)

XELLOSS: Just think, Lina-san! After tonight, you will either find true love… or painful, agonizing failure! Isn’t it exciting?

LINA: … I don’t know if I can do this.

XELLOSS: You don’t have time to be nervous, Lina-san! You have to be forceful!

LINA: Forceful…

XELLOSS: Domineering!

LINA: Domineering…

XELLOSS: Bitchy!

LINA: Bi— baka! I knew it was a mistake to let you in here! Get out!

(XELLOSS giggles)

(We now see that AMELIA is also in the room. LINA comes out of the tub, wearing a towel)

AMELIA: There, now don’t you feel refreshed? (she opens up her drawers) Now, why don’t you pick out a nice dress to wear to dinner?

(LINA grabs one out of AMELIA)

LINA: This’ll do! (in a quick motion, she throws the towel aside and holds the dress up to her)

XELLOSS: "This’ll do?" Lina-san, you must put more effort into this than that! (he holds his flame up to the dress, which goes up in smoke)

LINA: You stupid— (she quickly grabs another dress out of AMELIA) There. Look. I REALLY REALLY like this one.

XELLOSS: (smiling sweetly) Oh good. Now, put that on, and—

(ZELGADIS enters)

ZELGADIS: Ahem. The boy awaits, Lina. I suggest you hurry up.

LINA: I know, I know, keep your pants on!

(Cut to grand staircase, where GOURRY descends from the top of the West Wing side. Ooh, he looks so handsome. He reaches the landing and looks up at LINA, who is standing at the top of the stairs in her dress. Doesn’t she look lovely? She is nudged on by XELLOSS from behind the curtain, and he descends and meets GOURRY at the landing. Arm in arm, they descend the last section of stairs and continue on their way to dinner. FILIA sings from her cart with VAL on board)

"THEY’LL BE FRIENDS AT LEAST"

(parody of: "Beauty and the Beast")

lead vocal: Filia, Xelloss

FILIA: Lina as a bride

Lovely as can be

If neither one commits

XEL: He’ll be blown to bits!

Man, you sing off key!

FILIA: They walk hand in hand

Their fighting has ceased

Just a little odd

XEL: It’s all a façade!

FILIA: They’ll be friends, at least!

FILIA: Both feel so renewed

Both feel so alive

XEL: Lina-san will score

FILIA: They’ll be one for sure

XEL: If Gourry survives!

FILIA: Lina as a bride

XEL: It looks really wrong!

FILIA: She’s no longer mean

What a pretty scene

What a lovely song!

Now the song is done

XEL: Someone call a priest!

FILIA: Lina as a bride

XEL: What a wild ride

BOTH: They’ll be friends, at least

FILIA: Lina as a bride

XEL: Shatters all her pride!

BOTH: They’ll be friends, at least!

FILIA: (to VAL) Off to the cupboard with you now, Val. It’s past your bedtime. (VAL slides off the end of the cart and hops out of the room, but comes back for one last look. GOURRY and LINA have adjourned to the balcony under a starry night)

(OUT OF STORY)

AMELIA: Oh, that was so beautiful!

ZELGADIS: (actually smiling) This story isn’t nearly as… embarrassing as the last one.

LINA: Oh, get over it, Zel. You got to be the main character in "Zeladdin."

ZELGADIS: Ugh. Don’t mention that. Here. Give me the book, Xel.

XELLOSS: (shrugs, and hands the book to ZELGADIS) Knock yourself out.

ZELGADIS: Okay. "Lina said to Gourry…"

(BACK IN STORY)

LINA: Say, Gourry?

GOURRY: (cheerfully) Hai, Lina-san?

LINA: Are you… happy here?

GOURRY: (sincerely) Of course! But… I kind of miss my dad…

LINA: Hmm… Hey, you can see your dad!

(The pair adjourn to LINA’S lair, where she hands GOURRY the magic mirror)

LINA: This mirror will show you anything you want to see.

GOURRY: Wow, neat! … Now, what should I ask to see…

LINA: Your DAD, baka, remember? You said you miss your DAD!!

GOURRY: Oh, right! (to the mirror) I want to see my dad!

(The mirror shines to life with a shower of sparks. It reveals GOURRY’S DAD, looking hopelessly lost, bumping into trees, falling absently into holes… tripping over his own footprints…)

GOURRY: Dad! Oh no… Lina-san, he’s lost in the woods! He’s all alone!

LINA: (turns away, then looks back at GOURRY, deep in thought) Then, go to him.

GOURRY: (confused) Huh?

LINA: I’m releasing you! You can go now!

GOURRY: (smiles knowingly) You’re trying to tell me something, aren’t you?

LINA: (bursts) Get out! Go to your dad! Go!

GOURRY: (finally gets it) Oh! Okay! (he runs from the room)

(We see GOURRY run by ZELGADIS, who is entering the room)

ZELGADIS: Well, Lina-san, I’m proud of you. Things are actually working out for the better.

LINA: (very sad) I let him go.

ZELGADIS: (astonished) You what?! But why?

LINA: (shrugs) I had to.

ZELGADIS: But WHY?

LINA: Because I care about him!

(Cut to ZELGADIS telling the rest of the OBJECTS about LINA’S decision)

ALL: (ex. ZEL) She WHAT?!

ZELGADIS: She did. She let Gourry leave.

VAL: You mean Gourry’s leaving?

XELLOSS: She was so close too!

FILIA: Don’t you see? Lina-san has finally learned to love someone.

XELLOSS: Shouldn’t that break the spell?

FILIA: Weren’t you listening during the prologue? Gourry has to love Lina in return!

ZELGADIS: It’s too late now.

(Cut to LINA watching GOURRY leave from above on the balcony. She sends a fireball off into the sky, which GOURRY watches explode in awe… then bumps into a tree)

(Fade to GOURRY looking out in the snow)

GOURRY: Dad? Dad! Dad!

(Finally, he finds him face down in a snowbank)

GOURRY’S DAD: Itaaaiii…

(They return home, where MARTINA’S DAD is waiting, disguised as a snowman. We see him notice that they’ve returned home)

(Cut to int. of GOURRY’S cottage. GOURRY’S DAD’S eyes open, and he sees GOURRY)

GOURRY’S DAD: Gourry!

GOURRY: It’s okay, Dad! Look I’m home!

G’S DAD: I was getting worried about you.

GOURRY: (lovingly, yet cheerfully) I missed ya, Dad.

G’S DAD: But… how did you get away from that scary witch, Gourry?

GOURRY: Oh. She let me go. Nice of her, huh?

(There’s a sound coming from GOURRY’S pack. The flap opens and the magic mirror falls out with VAL rolling to a stop on it)

VAL: Konnichi wa!

GOURRY: Oh, hi, Val! What are you doing here?

(VAL turns to GOURRY with a cute questioning look)

VAL: Why’d you go away, Gourry-san? Don’t you like us anymore?

GOURRY: Yeah, Val, I do! But—

(There is a knock at the door. GOURRY opens it and we see GAAV standing on the porch)

GOURRY: Konban wa! May I help you?

GAAV: I’ve come for your father.

GOURRY: (confused) Huh?

GAAV: (evilly) I’m here to get him.

GOURRY: …what are you getting at?

GAAV: (angrily) I’ve come to take him away!

GOURRY: (finally comprehends) Why?

GAAV: The man is extremely stupid. Such stupidity is dangerous to society.

GOURRY: (appalled and offended) My dad’s not stupid!

(GOURRY’S DAD emerges from the house and sees the mob)

G’S DAD: Oh, hi!

MARTINA: Good evening to you too… Say… how much is two plus two?

G’S DAD: Hmm… (counts on his fingers) Umm… twenty-two!

MARTINA: I see! And what’s the capital of Japan?

G’S DAD: Ah! That one’s easy! The big "J!"

(the CROWD laughs at him)

MARTINA: I see! Now… tell us about the witch! The one in the castle!

G’S DAD: … Oh, the witch! She was a little girl with fiery red hair!

(MOB laughs)

G’S DAD: With sharp fangs and fiery red eyes!

(MOB laughs some more)

MARTINA: (to the crowd) Now THAT’S stupid! Take him away! A HA HA HA HA HA!!

(some people move in and grab GOURRY’S DAD)

GOURRY: Dad!

MARTINA: What a shame… Gourry-chan… I might be able to get all of this cleared up if…

GOURRY: If what?

MARTINA: If you marry me!

(GOURRY thinks for a moment. It looks painful)

GOURRY: Wait… I can prove that the witch exists! (he runs back into the house and comes out with the magic mirror)

GOURRY: (to the mirror) Show me Lina-san! (the mirror crackles, and GOURRY holds it up for the MOB to see. The MOB oohs and aahs as the mirror produces the image of a depressed LINA)

MAN: Is she dangerous?

GOURRY: Uh… no… she’s nice!

MARTINA: It looks like you have feelings for that witch!

GOURRY: Yeah. I do.

MARTINA: He’s as much an idiot as his dad! (she grabs the mirror from GOURRY)

"KILL THE WITCH" (WAS: "THE MOB SONG")

LEAD VOCAL: Martina, mob

MARTINA: She could blast our town to smithereens!

(MOB gasps)

MARTINA: She could kill us all!

GOURRY: Martina!

MARTINA: We won’t be safe until she’s dead! I say we go and kill her!

(A chorus of "kill hers" come from the MOB)

MAN 1: (singing) We’re not safe until she’s dead!

MAN 2: She could kill us all for sure!

WOMAN: And the knowledge that she exists is too much to endure!

MAN 3: She’d wreak havoc on our village so we must to something fast!

MARTINA: So it’s time to do something, minna

It’s time to kick her ass!

MARTINA: Over hill

Over dale (GOURRY: Who’s dale?)

Over miles and miles of forests

It’s a trek and we won’t stop until we’re there!

Pray to God

‘Fore you trod

O’er the drawbridge of the castle

‘Cause what’s inside will give you all a scare!

It’s a witch!

She grows fangs

When she gets mad

Little breasts

That befit such a bitch!

See her yell

See her scream

But we’ll go as a team

And she’ll die!

Surely die! (GOURRY: Who’s Shirley? Why should she die?)

Kill the witch!

GOURRY: Martina, stop it!

MARTINA: They could return to the castle to warn her!

(a bunch of people throw GOURRY and HIS DAD into the cellar and bolt the door)

GOURRY: Hey!

GOURRY’S DAD: Let us out of here!

MARTINA: Who’s with me?

(A chorus of "I ams" goes up from the MOB)

MOB: She’s a scare

She’s a fright

MARTINA: You can sing, but don’t slow down!

MOB: We know Martina-san will lead the way!

We’re a mob

With a cause

We’ll lay siege upon the castle

We’ll kill our foe and gallantly win the day!

She’s a witch!

One as mean

As an ogre!

Our invasion will go without a hitch!

Sally forth! (GOURRY: (from cellar) Who’s Sally? Why is she fourth?)

Battle well!

Lina can

Go to hell

Raise your sword, recite a spell!

MARTINA: (spoken) Well invade her castle and get rid of her once and for all!

GOURRY: Dad, it’s all my fault! What’ll we do now?

GOURRY’S DAD: I don’t know… but we’ll think of something!

MOB: Here we come

We’re a mob, and we’re mad

In fact, we’re furious

At this dark monster whose dark heart is black as picth

Take a breath

And be brave

‘Cause our road is clearly paved

Just think of all the lives we’ll save

We’ll kill the witch!

(The invaders approach the castle. XELLOSS watches from a window. He runs to tell the others)

XELLOSS: Minna! A mob is invading the castle!

FILIA: What?!

ZELGADIS: (to FILIA) Warn Lina-san! We’ll do our best to hold them off!

(The MOB approaches the castle gate)

MARTINA: Come on! Let’s go!

(An army of objects, led by ZELGADIS and XELLOSS march down the grand staircase toward the main doors)

OBJECTS: Sing the song!

Fighting hard!

We are unafraid to battle

We’ll be defeated if there’s the slightest glitch!

MARTINA: Minna, bash

Down the door

MOB: There’ll be blood and there’ll be gore

There’ll be violence, carnage and more!

Let’s kill the witch!

(Cut to int. of LINA’S lair, where FILIA is briefing her)

FILIA: Ano… Lina-san…

LINA: Go away.

FILIA: But our castle is under attack!

(meanwhile, the MOB is trying to break down the doors)

MOB: Kill the witch!

Kill the witch!

(The OBJECTS, meanwhile, have tried blocking the door, but it is being bashed by the MOB)

XELLOSS: This isn’t working!

NAGA: What will we do?

XEL: (thinks) Ah! (smugly) Okay, minna! This is what we’re going to do…

(The MOB continues to bash at the door)

MOB: Kill the witch!

Kill the witch!

(Cut to LINA’S lair)

FILIA: Lina-san! Tell us what to do!

LINA: Never mind! I don’t care anymore.

(the MOB keeps bashing at the door)

MOB: Kill the witch!

Kill the witch!

Kill the witch!

(The MOB succeeds in breaking in, and finds the grand entrance filled with assorted furniture and household objects. They tiptoe in. MARTINA’S DAD unknowingly picks up XELLOSS for light. XEL grins)

XELLOSS: (gleefully) ATTACK!!

(All the objects spring to life, attacking their human enemies)

(OUT OF STORY)

XELLOSS: Oh, this scene should be fun!

LINA: What’s up with this "depressed" attitude I’ve suddenly got?

AMELIA: You’ve given up all hope of everything, now that Gourry has gone… how romantic and sad…

LINA: That’s not me! That’s some sap who looks like me! Here! Gimme the book! "Back at Gourry’s cottage, he and his dad continued to work on a way to escape…"

(BACK IN STORY)

(Cut back to GOURRY’S cottage. VAL stands outside the doors of the cellar)

GOURRY: Any ideas, Val?

VAL: Isn’t there another door out of the cellar?

(GOURRY looks around and sees another door leading upstairs, right out in the open)

GOURRY: Wow! I see one! Come on, Dad!

VAL: Don’t forget me!

(Cut back to the battle inside the castle. XELLOSS is acting as a newscaster, holding a match with a thimble on the end as a microphone)

XELLOSS: The battle is raging here in the foyer, and I do believe (evil giggle) we’re winning!

(AMELIA jumps off a balcony)

AMELIA: JUSTICE WARDROBE ATTACK! (she lands on a man) Victory!

XELLOSS: (to "audience") Ooh. That had to hurt!

FILIA: (to an invader, from the top of a ledge with a squadron of teacups) (sweetly) You look like you could use a nice up of tea!

INVADER: Oh, thank you!

FILIA: Give it to him, minna! (They all dumb scalding hot tea all over the man, who screams in pain)

XELLOSS: Ooh, what a burn! (grins, then noticing that a man is amusing himself by pulling NAGA’S feathers out)

NAGA: Eek! Stoppit!

XELLOSS: Heehee… (he holds his flaming hands out to the guy’s backside and sets his pants ablaze, then catches NAGA) Hello.

NAGA: Ooh! Hello there!

(Meanwhile, we see GOURRY, his DAD and VAL making their way to the castle. Meanwhile, we see MARTINA, who has broken off from the mob, searching out LINA)

(Cutting back to the castle, we see that the OBJECTS have fought the INVADERS off. They all run out of the castle in a panic. The OBJECTS chase them all the way out the door)

FILIA: And stay out!

AMELIA: Justice has triumphed again!

(XELLOSS happily glomps ZELGADIS, who quickly shakes him off)

(Cut to MARTINA, who finds LINA’S lair. She approaches LINA from behind, grinning evilly. Then, her look turns to one of disappointment)

MARTINA: Uh, excuse me?

(LINA turns around with a murderous glare, not wishing to be interrupted during her pouting)

LINA: What?

MARTINA: Uh, you see… I went to all this trouble to gather a mob and find your castle, and find you, so I could kill you… but… … I forgot to bring a weapon!

LINA: Listen, isn’t there something in all the junk in this room that you could use?! Man, talk about moronic.

(MARTINA, immensely offended, picks up a small table. She charges LINA, bashing her over the head with it. The force sends the both of them crashing through the window and onto the balcony. Of course, it’s storming furiously outside)

LINA: (at first, looks seriously hurt) … … … Ow! That really hut! Honestly, what kind of idiot—

(MARTINA has picked up a piece of broken glass and is ready to stab LINA with it)

MARTINA: Now, you’ll die! A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Gourry is mine!

LINA: … … Gourry…

MARTINA: Well?! You’re not making this any fun! Can’t you at least pretend to be mean and ferocious?

(LINA looks down, ignoring her. MARTINA decides to go ahead with it, and brings her arm down to stab LINA in the back. Suddenly, GOURRY’S voice drifts up. He’s on the bridge)

GOURRY: Martina! Stop!

LINA: (joyfully) Gourry!

GOURRY: Look out!

(LINA kicks MARTINA’S legs out from under her)

LINA: Now you’re in big trouble, missy! (she grins evilly— baring her fangs)

(XELLOSS: (voice over) Woohoo! Catfight!)

(LINA: (voice over) Shut up! It’s just getting exciting!)

(LINA and MARTINA proceed to fight on the rooftop. Finally, LINA hides among the demon gargoyles in the shadows, preparing a Dragon Slave. Meanwhile, GOURRY enters the castle on the ground)

GOURRY: (storming up the stairs) Lina! Lina!

MARTINA: (still looking for LINA) Stop toying with me, Lina! Come out and fight with me… that is, if you can muster the courage from that tiny chest of yours! (she begins laughing)

(Enraged, LINA charges out of the shadows without finishing her spell)

LINA: That’s it! You’ve had it! FIREBALL!!

(somehow, MARTINA dodges LINA’S spell)

MARTINA: (getting full of herself) It’s all over, Lina! Gourry is mine!

(LINA catches MARTINA mid-cackle by grabbing her around the neck, holding her out over the edge of the roof)

MARTINA: (unsurely) You’d never drop me.

LINA: Really? (she loosens her grip) Care to press your luck?

MARTINA: D-don’t let go! Don’t! Put me down!

(Finally, miraculously, LINA’S anger dissipates and she tosses MARTINA aside, where she collides with a wall)

MARTINA: Ow! That hurt! Thanks a lot…

LINA: That’s all the mercy you’re getting. Now go away before I Dragon Slave you! (she grins nastily)

(Above, GOURRY comes out onto the balcony)

GOURRY: Lina!

LINA: Gourry!

(LINA bolts up the tower with amazing agility until she reaches the balcony and hangs over the side)

LINA: (smiling) Gourry, you big dope! Whatcha come back for?

(They stare at each other for a moment, but this moment is interrupted when MARTINA sneaks up and stabs LINA in the back with a shard of glass. LINA screams in pain; GOURRY is helpless to stop this)

MARTINA: Now, Lina, you’ll die!

(Cackling, she pulls the glass out and swings back for another shot, but LINA starts to fall, knocking MARTINA off balance. GOURRY reaches out and pulls LINA back, while MARTINA falls into the moat, screaming)

(OUT OF STORY)

AMELIA: So… she dies?

LINA: Well… I gotta get rid of the villain somehow…

FILIA: Lina-san! You don’t have to kill off a villain to get rid of them!

LINA: Okay, okay, then, she doesn’t die. She falls into the moat and gives up her crush on Gourry and she lives happily ever after… now can I continue the story????!!!

FILIA: You may.

LINA: Thank you!! "Gourry reached out and helped the injured Lina back onto the balcony, and laid her down carefully on the floor, while the enchanted objects came rushing out…"

(BACK IN STORY)

LINA: G… Gourry… (LINA is seriously hurt and covered with stab wounds)

GOURRY: Oh, Lina! This is… it’s… whose fault is it?

ZELGADIS: Well, technically, it’s Martina’s fault, but you’re wallowing in self-guilt, and blame it on yourself.

GOURRY: Oh, right… Oh, Lina! This is all my fault!

LINA: (struggling to take each breath) At least… I got to… see you… one last time…

GOURRY: Huh? Whaddaya mean?

LINA: (bolting up and yelling in his face) I’m gonna DIE, ya’ big dolt!

GOURRY: N… no, Lina! You can’t! (he takes LINA’S hand. LINA holds his hand for a second, before it goes limp. LINA falls back and her eyes close)

GOURRY: Strange time to fall asleep… I didn’t know Lina-san was narcoleptic.

ZELGADIS: She’s not asleep, she’s dead!

(FILIA bursts into tears)

GOURRY: (blubbering) Oh, no… Lina-san! You can’t die!…

(a long pause, then XELLOSS hops over and whispers something to GOURRY)

GOURRY: Oh, right. Don’t go, Lina! Get up, Lina, I LOVE YOU, LINA!!

(Cut to OBJECTS, who look up at the table inside and watch the bar crumble into tiny fragments. They look down at the floor in sorrow)

FILIA: Oh, no… it’s too late… (XELLOSS puts his arm around her) Don’t touch me.

(Cut back to LINA and GOURRY. The rain continues to fall, but one Fireball-like beam of light falls like a shooting star and sparks on the ground. Then another comes, then another, and another… GOURRY finally notices what’s happening)

GOURRY: Strange weather we’re having…

(He backs away when a fog enshrouds LINA. We see the OBJECTS looking on in extreme anticipation)

AMELIA: What’s… happening?

(LINA magically rises up into the air and is enveloped in a cloud of light and becomes wrapped in her cloak. Finally, a wind blows away the cloak and LINA gradually descends to lay on the floor again. Her wounds have disappeared)

GOURRY: Lina?

(LINA begins to move. She gets up, and looks at GOURRY)

LINA: Gourry! Thank you!

GOURRY: Lina… you really risked your life to… fight over me?

LINA: (shrugs) Nah. It was all in self-defense…

(The two stare at each other for a moment, then kiss. Woohoo! The typical fireworks display (looking suspiciously more like a Dragon Slave display) explodes around them. The gargoyles change into statues of Golden Dragons as the entire castle is freed from its state of gloom. We return to the balcony, where the OBJECTS meet LINA and GOURRY. They transform back into their original human/Mazoku/chimera/dragon conditions, wearing their normal Slayers garb)

ZELGADIS: (looking at himself) Darn…

XELLOSS: Oh, don’t be ungrateful, Zel-chan! (he puts an arm around ZEL)

ZELGADIS: Get away from me.

LINA: (laughs) Zelgadis! Xelloss! Filia!

(VAL comes running out)

FILIA: Oh, I’m so happy!

XELLOSS: Banzai!

(Cut to later, in the ballroom, where all gather to celebrate. GOURRY and LINA are feasting at the long table as the rest of their characters get in their last lines…)

XELLOSS: Well, those two had better get crackin’.

ZELGADIS: Xelloss! Be quiet!

XELLOSS: No, I just meant that delicious looking lobster.

ZELGADIS: (unconvinced) Yeah, sure.

(Show LINA and GOURRY, still pigging out at the table, and is joined by GOURRY’S DAD. The camera stops on FILIA, who holds little VAL in her arms)

VAL: (looks happy for a moment, then puzzled) Hey, are they gonna whisper whisper whisper…

FILIA: (fuming) XELLOSS!!!!!!

XELLOSS: Oh, lighten up and have some tea, Filia-chan. (he passes a cup to FILIA)

FILIA: Oh! Thank you…

(Cut to camera looking over the entire ballroom with all in the shot. It slowly zooms out to a view of the exterior of the castle as the choir sings)

CHORUS: Now the song is done

Now for the big feast

Lina as a bride

Gourry at her side

They’ll be friends, at least

Lina as her bride

Gourry at her side

They’ll be friends, at least!

THE END

The original movie was dedicated to the memory of Howard Ashman,

who died of AIDS in 1990. He wrote the lyrics to the original

songs, and I admire him greatly.

I’d also like to dedicate this story to his memory.

 

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