from time to time.
UNTITLED GOODNESS
WITHIN
A recent lie-detector
test reveals that Phil Rizzuto can't be trusted. Says the Handbook
on Railing Repair, his favorite food is most often found colored yellow.
But in a recent interview, Rizzuto clearly stated, "It is green. That is
the color I believe you're asking me. Of all the foods, I prefer those
which are green, or which tend to be that way."
Lie Detectors were
brought in immediately, backed with a court order, a subpoena, and a DA
who kept repeating, "I'm warning you!" Sometime later, the doors were flung
open and a dissheveled Rizzuto fought his way through the crowd.
UNBERRABLE
Yogi Berra remained
calm that evening. Buoyed by a love for classic gin and already concerned
about his stapled index finger, he decided to dab some mustard onto his
lips. "What kind of a friend would I be, without this mustard on my lips,"
he told gathered newsmen. "It acts as a salve, drawring out the marrow
of my lip."
|
Yogi
Berra, also known to lie
from time to time. |
"Recently I told you all I am seventy-three years old," he said to gathered friends. "That was a lie, but I hope you understand how much I had riding on you believeing that. All of your children were performing petty theft for me while you were trying to figure out the age discrepancy. I assure you this was necessary in order to properly lavish me in flowing jeweled robes." |
"This painful head
attachment really hurts," Berra confided later. "I agreed to the mounting
last night and it's fully clamped now. I can't get it off. That's how come
I cry out in pain every so often. It's on account of my head." Sources
confirmed the ex-hero has been making an awful lot of noise.
TASTE IT, O BASE
Phone salesman Hank
Aaron could be counted on to slip up and succeed at least once in his life.
It looks like it's finally happened: a recent data mining project by two
CalTech grad students reveals that Aaron hit more home runs than any other
major leaguer. The discovery was "a complete accident," student Jim McKeezy
revealed. "We were trying to figure out the full surface area of his skin,
and we accidentally added together
| all
the home runs he hit every year. Then Todd spilled coke on the keyboard,
and it smoked and lights started flashing. Sparks came out, and the computer,
like, started shaking and all this mist appeared. A minute later it stopped
and this new data appeared on the screen."
"Next I had this idea that we could take, like, those clipping wires?" McKeezy added. "And hook them up to a baseball. With, like, tar. Remember? In Superman? That guy used tar." |
Hank Aaron: not a total failure, after all. |  |
||
Aaron, when questioned
later by reporters, said "I don't know what you're talking about. You should
have my head examined or something."
COVERED WITH A
WHITE GREASY FILM
A roomful of people
examined former National League President Bill White today, asking if he
had noticed anything unusual about his appearance lately.
Bill
White: still tasty after
|
"No,"
he replied, nearly setting his beak on fire while lighting a cigarette
with a match held in his left flipper. "Now let's get back to my new book.
It's called 'Kool: My Pickly Friend.' It's about my sixteen-year career
smoking refreshing Kool cigarettes, complete with what I call my 'taste-study
diary,' a collection of notes from the ten years during which I was trying
to learn how to smoke."
Reporters vanished one by one that evening. Timothy Mitnick, baseball, book, and cigarette correspondent for the New York Post, reported that the feeling was like "having no arms," and that "the armless were the envy of the planet." Reminded of who he was speaking to, he said, "I don't know who I'm speaking to. Why am I covered with goo?" Bill White temporarily died that night but was resuscitated hours later when a guest needed directions out to Syosset. Lack of Refreshing Taste was cited as the cause of death. |
