| about 3 |
| page 3 of 9 |
| I have an Italian soul – which in Italian is ‘anima’ – a word I love the sound of. I’m convinced I musta been an Edwardian Brit who went to Italy, fell in love with it and the boys and everything else, and stayed. I don’t have any love for this place [the USA] at all. Americans are so vulgar and boring – and right wing. I think that America now is in the British equivalent of Victorian times, which of course = horrible. Prudery! Et al. If I wanted someone to confess something, I’d tie them up and force them to watch mainstream US TV and they wouldn’t be able to last long. I damned Florence for all time in 1990, calling it ‘ a renaissance version of Fresno’, which is too true. Paris is a great, great city, great fun. I liked giving American and English tourists wrong directions. I studied in LA with a pupil of Schoenberg’s, and then in Paris with Pierre Boulez for a summer. He’s been a huge influence on me since I was about 14. Not just in music but in everything. I think the best teachers reveal you to yourself, and give you permission to follow your own instincts and give you a push and shove when you need it. I lasted 10 days at college, then decided it’s not for everyone. Sometimes I get nervous cos I didn’t go to Art School. I doubt my ability. And that can be hell to deal with. Growing up, no one ever praised my writing or music at all, just called it weird, very difficult, crap. Much harder to deal with as an adult. People who haven’t gone to a proper school are somehow taken less seriously. Self-esteem is a major thing I need to work on – but since I hate egos and the idea of self – how to make it better? I think I look terrible, paint awful stuff, write dismally, wrote crappy music. Don’t think much of myself or my abilities, if I have them. Always so unsatisfied with what I do. Doing art, it seems so half-hearted to me – like it doesn’t work. Writing too – it never comes out the way I’d like. I think film is the one area where I can be pleased with myself, and making total synthesis happen. In work, I don’t think I have any desire to be ‘understood’, I just wanna do shit and if people connect with it or like it that’s ok. And if they don’t, that’s ok too. Usually I just assume stuff I do is shit and don’t save anything. A long problem I always have: mania for minute detail. And usually it’s bollocks. Until today I had never heard of macramé earrings. Something about crafts just scares the shit outta me. Macramé plant holders, owls and clowns are the most frightening. Deformed babies are a bummer. What rhymes with ‘food poisoning’? Silly little things rule. The ridiculous is always therapeutic for me. Hey – good quote! Ha ha ha. I’d love to do a psychoanalysis of the Internet but I don’t think it’s possible. Time and the Internet – something that fascinates me. Is it slow or fast? Both at the same time? Can we say that everyone just wants his 15 minutes? I think so. Every winter I tend to get depressed and then come out of it. Depression is a funny thing. Trenet, even in his songs about total despair, is almost defiantly happy. I listen and think: this is the most loved, happy and blissed out person alive. Well – alive back then. And unlike so much popular French music, his songs aren’t irritating. Must invent some kind of emotional amnesia – where you can wipe out bad bits – but guess life wouldn’t be as fun without them. You can use depression to your advantage if you take control of it. Most people surrender to it instead of trying to work through it. |
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