FUNNY ONE LINERS
They lived
happily until they got married.
"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"
My friend has a fine watch
dog.
At any suspicious noise he
wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom
gets to speak.
"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."
When I
told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
"Where did you get those big
eyes?"
"They came with the face."
I went alone
on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer
the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
Sanjay :
"I passed your house yesterday."
Anil :
"Thanks I appreciate it."
It was love
at first sight. Then I took a second look !!
"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where
they came from."
"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."
A modern
artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells
the cloth.
"Has there been any insanity in
your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks
he's the boss."
I was thinking of
becoming a doctor. I
have the handwriting for it.
Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
"I couldn't lift the table."
"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."
We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't
speak to me.
Did you
hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she
didn't want to wake the children.
The quickest way to make tossed salad is to give fresh vegetables
to an 18-month-old child.
"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband
best."
"How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?"
"Fine. She vanished last night."
"Why
don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What,
I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"
"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of
work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in
four months."
There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the
other is too good to keep.
"I heard
you missed school yesterday."
"Not a bit."
"I gotta 'A' in spelling."
"You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling."
My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.
I have no objections - I let her talk.
There's one thing good about being poor -
its inexpensive.
Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn
furniture
Memory is what tells a man his wedding
anniversary was yesterday.
An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man
has no shirt.
"My
uncle has a cedar chest."
"My uncle has
a wooden leg."
"I want
some current literature." "Here are some books on electric. lightning."
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you
need them, and those who are around when they need you.
Before
we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her
ever since.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind
everyunsuccessful man, there are two!
Every man/woman should marry - After all,
happiness is not the only thing in
life.
The wise never marry - And when they marry they become
otherwise.
Success is a relative term - It brings so many relatives!
Never put off the work until tomorrow - what you can put
off today!
Your future depends on your dreams - So go to sleep!
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up
every morning.
Hard work never killed anybody - But why take the risk!
Work fascinates me - I can look at it for hours!
God made relatives - Thank God we can choose our friends!
When two's company, three's the result!
82.6% of statistics
are wrong...
98% of the time I am
right. Why worry about the other 3%
If you can't laugh at
yourself, I'll do it for you.
If you can't make it
good, make it LOOK good
Illiterate?... Write
for FREE HELP!
Broken guitar for
sale - no strings attached.
But I don't have an
"any key" on my computer!
But I don't like the
cat. Shut up and eat your dinner!
The family that
sticks together should bathe more often.
The fridge light DOES
go out. Now let me out of here!!!!
The more you say, the
less people remember.
Monday is an awful
way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Hard work pays off in
the future. Laziness pays off now.
I intend to live
forever - so far, so good.
Experience is
something you don't get until just after you need it.
My Wife Says I Never
Listen, Or Something Like That...
Never hit a man with
glasses... Use your fist!
Never put off till
tomorrow what you can ignore entirely
He's dead Jim. Kick
him if you don't believe me
Oh yea? If you're so
smart, why don't I understand you?
Oh, I'm sorry, were
the voices in my head bothering you?
I can't remember the
last time I forgot something.
Time is the best
teacher, but it kills all its students.
Why is
"abbreviation" such a long word?
Why remember quotes
when you can make them up?
A clear conscience is usually the
sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where
you got tired of thinking.
A fool and his money are
soon partying. Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!
All those who believe in
psychokinesis raise my hand.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not
having enough sense to be lazy.
Bills travel through the mail at
twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from
pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Why the heck are you
wasting your time reading this?
When
I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too
bad they missed.
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Should
women have children after 35?
No,
35 children are enough!
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Are
you coming for my 18th birthday party?
No,
I went for that five years ago.
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No
one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.
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Living
on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free
Trip
around the Sun.
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Your
future depends on your dreams
So
go to sleep !
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Work
fascinates me
I
can look at it for hours !
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God
made relatives;
Thank
God we can choose our friends
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Love
is photogenic;
it
needs darkness to develop
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Children
in backseats cause accidents;
Accidents
in backseats cause children !
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A
Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place
and
shouts Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra
crossing
there ?
The
guy replies Let the zebra cross. What can I do
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Do
you know of a fellow who parked his car in front of
board
which said FINE FOR PARKING
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A
drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been
brought
here for drinking.
Great,
the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?
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Can
you do anything that other people can't?
Sure,
I can read my handwriting.
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Whom
are you working for?
Same
people. My wife and four kids.
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I
heard you have a cat that can say her own name.
Yes.
Meow.
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When
a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
She
answers: My husband's cheque book.