Leo: July 24th - August 23rd
The
hovercraft of Venus is in conjunction with the dark
side of your moon, so beware of men bearing anchovies.
You can trust anyone with the letter A, E, I, O or U
in their name, but only during even numbered hours.
Green schist is your lucky birthstone. Do not forget
the rings around Uranus. If today is your birthday do
not forget to face west at 3 O'clock. A relatively
indifferent time is about to begin. Eat some pickles
today.
Virgo: August 24th - September 23rd
Today
is a special day, so have your harp restrung. The
spiritual plane is bisecting the Trinity tomorrow,
which means that there is a 100% chance that you will
win the lottery this week. If you buy enough tickets.
Give your ego a much needed boost by discovering a
new quantum particle. This month your lucky
birthstone is yeast. Watch out for bi-lingual
Canadian Taureans bearing putty or left-handed
spanners, for they are harbingers of bad tidings. Do
not drink any waste engine oil on Wednesday.
Libra:
September 24th
- October 23rd
You
will spurred into action by powerful new friends this
week. Do not remind them of their baldness though, or
you will be infected with a new form of hiccoughs. If
you board a train to Waterloo this week, you will be
blessed with incredible fortune. And triplets. Your
fruit of the month is banana. Pluto is conjunction
with a small bunch of Higgs particles this week,
therefore make sure that your love life is in order.
'Crunch' is your lucky word and your lucky number is
12,678,438,580,308,502.
Scorpio:
October 24th -
November 22nd
Avoid
visiting the Sexually Transmitted Diseases Clinic
this week. You will only hear something that is not
to your advantage. Your bank balance will be blessed
by an anonymous billionaire philanthropist this week.
So go out and buy a new McLaren F1 and a small fleet
of Aircraft Carriers. The more effort that you put
into something, the more you will be rewarded - if
you are lucky. You lucky drink is beer and your lucky
planet is Krypton. You will discover a new moon
orbiting the planet Mars this week, but no one will
believe you. Your reward will be the truth of faith.
Sagittarius:
November 23rd
- December 21st
Do
not leave your house this week. It is very dangerous
out there. Wear you lucky shirt and you will be
blessed 
with the inner happiness of
knowledge, peace, benevolence, charity, harmony and
wedges of cash. Your lucky colour is brown and your
guiding deity is Priapus. Do not cross any time zones
this month if you can help it, if you can't, make
absolutely sure that you whistle Beethoven's last 5
string quartets backwards to stave off any bad luck
that you may have. It is OK to talk to other
Sagittarians this week. Eat some fish if your middle
name is Angus, Brenda or Colleen. If your middle name
begins with a 'W' a nice balti will probably go down
a treat, despite Gemini's birthstone blocking the
celestial passage to Uranus.
Platypus:
December 21st
- Octember 32nd
Do
not eat fish this week if your middle name is Angus,
Brenda, Colleen or Gavin. To avoid a major disaster
that is heading your way because of the conjunction
of Venus and Uranus, rub plenty of goose grease onto
your inner thighs and armpits. Your lucky birthstone
is coal. This star sign is in the ascendant this
month, so now may be a good time to take a shower or
bath. You will not be able to think of any new
questions this month, but do not despair, all will be
fine next month. Your lucky numbers are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8 and 9. Your lucky element is sodium. On
Thursday you will be able to turn Uranium, Chlorine
and Potassium into Helium.
Capricorn:
Octember 33rd - January 20th
Do
not eat fish this week if your middle name is Angus,
Brenda, Colleen, Gavin or Simone. Capricorns are
known to enjoy nice tits, so click here to satisfy all your desires. Today your car
will do 10 miles per gallon more than normal because
of the full moon and eclipse of Uranus. This week the
lucky shape for all Capricorns is a hexagon. Feng
Shui is your favourite science.
Aquarius:
January 21st -
February 19th
Aquarius
made the computer crash.
Pisces:
February 20th
- March 20th
Do
not listen to any popular music beat combos this week,
they will damage your ear drums. Tharg, Saturn and
Vulcan are at perihelion this week, remember to pay
your credit card bills. Pisceans will have an
unnatural desire to tickle Gemini's this week, but if
it feels good, do it. Try to avoid using the right-hand
side of you body this month. The portents are ominous.
Aries:
March 21st -
April 20th
You
will spurred into action by powerful new enemies this
week. Do not remind them of their obesity though, or
you will be infected with a new form of Repetative
Strain Injury. If you board a train to Brighton this
week, you will be blessed with incredible fortune.
And triplets. Your fruit of the month is prune.
Uranus is conjunction with a small platoon of photons
this week, therefore make sure that your financial
affairs are in order. 'Micturition' is your lucky
word and your lucky number is 12,678,438,580,308,501.
Taurus:
April 21st -
May 21st
Taurus is the dullest star
sign this week, so do not feel guilty if you want to
spice things up with sex, drugs and rock and roll. If
you are thinking about moving house, do not buy one
in Cheltenham, Rugby, Ipswich, Stockport,Wolverhampton,
Birmingham, Cardiff or Wisconsin. And make sure that
it has an even house number, and the front door faces
towards Uranus. Do not look up on Monday.
Gemini:
May 22nd -
June 21st
Gemini
police officers should not cross water this week. If
you live in the UK, make sure that you drive on the
left hand side of the road all month. Do not spill
water on any high voltage electrical equipment, but
if you do make sure that you throw some shredded
ferret over your left shoulder. A small woman will
walk in front of you today. Your lucky birthstone is
coprolite.