Bulletin From Heaven

todays' top hints and tips

(Heaven - Stardate 467392-889.3)

Forgotten all those crucial sections in the bible? Can't even be bothered to read it? Losing your faith? Well, salvation is at hand, for starting today, the Bulletin is publishing a series of handy hints and tips guaranteed to help you get through your day. All the Bulletins' hints and tips come with the full approval, and certified pledge of 'the big three-in-one upstairs'.

 

• Don't pick a fight with anyone driving an iron chariot!

• Sprinkling the blood of your sacrifice all the way round the altar is quite good for a laugh.

• Go out of your way to cuddle a highly poisonous snake today.

• Passover blues? Then circumcise your slaves - that should cheer you up no end.

• Semen stains all over the place? Get rid of them with clean water. Voila!

• Men - wear your curious girdle of the ephod at a jaunty angle today.

• Women - try not to covet your neighbour's wife, ass or slaves today.

• Men - keep your sword as sharp as possible: you never know when your children will get really naughty and swear at you.

• Women - impress your dinner guests - why not try cooking locusts, beetles and grasshoppers? They make nice, crunchy, tasty hors-d'oeuvres.

• Men - did you let your semen pass through the fire to Molech today? Cut it out.

• Farmers - it's less work if you don't harvest the corners of your fields.

• Don't attempt to pray if you are wearing a hat or picking your nose - it sends the datastream straight down to you know where.

• Thinking of feasting on a pelican, cormorant, heron, swan or bat today? Well, don't go there.

• Wear a nice suit today. But remember, no mixed fabrics.

• Men, keep your hair short.

• Women, keep your hair long - men like it that way.

• Women - try breeding your own pigeons and turtledoves. They'll be so much more convenient at that special time of the month.

• Tired? Run down? Then don't work on Saturday. It's forbidden anyway.

• Don't wait for that pesky atheist to ask you for all your money and your car - just give everything to him now. Just imagine the look of shock on his face! Oh, how your spouse will laugh.

• Still got that quart of weedkiller in the shed? Drink it today, you'll be surprised at the result.

• Men - try not to marry a prostitute today.

• Try talking in a foreign language. Go on, it'll work.

Signed: St. Peter - pp God

The Bulletin from Heaven - Serving the pious community since 4006 B.C. - now on the web!

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© Copyright Martin J Burn 2000