Cosmetic Surgery:
Frequently Asked Questions
People often ask us here at the New Head Foundation all those various bugging
questions about procedures and nastiness that makes up the trauma that is
Plastic surgery. Well, to put your mind at rest, we've assembled a step by
step set of FAQs that will prove, without doubt, that there really is
nothing to worry about. Honest.
Q: Is the surgery safe?
Mister Hypnotica
Mister Hypnotica, our Public Relations chap, answers: First of all, i'd like
you to look into my eyes. Look deeply into my eyes. You are getting sleepy,
real sleepy. You are in my power. You want to obey me, do anything I say.
You want some Plastic Surgery done immediately. You want some safe surgery,
and believe me, it is very very safe. It is very very very safe.
Now, I want you
to go and gather all your valuables and cash, and take them to the New Head
Foundation. Sign every form they give you without question. Then submit
to the Surgery. Do it now. YOU WILL DO IT NOW.
Q: How can I trust the Surgeons?
Senior Anesthetist
Doktor Death, our senior inmate, replies: You can trust me. I am a fully
fledged surgeon, with a nice set of certificates on my office wall to prove
it. Of course you can trust me. And the New Head Foundation give their
word that we will do everything we can to safeguard your life against
the inevitable medical mishap. Look, we are your only friends. We want to
help you. Put your vunerable body into the quivering hands of the New Head
surgeons, and you wont regret it much at all. You've just gotta believe me.
Q: What time is spent in recovery?
Surgery Victim #473898
John Doe answers: Since leaving the slab, I would without doubt be claimed as
another success story for New Head. It's that feelbad factor that you're left
with after those wonderful surgeons have mutilated your mind into some
perverse derangement. But I was almost in and out of New Head, as
the procedure was so quick. Even though
the surgery was rather major, and my body had been working overtime to
reject my stolen transplants, recovery was down to a minimum, and I was
ready to stalk the streets, looking for people to haunt. Bravo, New Head!
Q: Are there any side effects?
Surgery Victim #889925
Escaped Psycho on the run, replies:
Since my New Head treatment, I cant remember much. Maybe sometimes I awake,
covered in blood, or maybe in a straight jacket. Often, I come down from
a dream to find another strange corpse beneath me. Then I feel my brain
exploding. But New Head definately saved my life, and I was cured. But on
my release, someone handed me this knife and I... I gave it everything.
Sure, there's the odd side effect, but with experimental brain surgery,
what else would you expect?
Q: What are my chances?
Surgery Victim #932901
Deceased Person answers: You might say 'Slim to none' but realistically
you could be run over by a bus tommorow, so why not just sign up for the
surgery? Chances are that, whatever the results of their mutilations, New Head
will alter your body for the better. Just look at me. I might be very very
dead, but i'm
a happier man, not a worry in the world. Out of the rat race, free at last.
Take a chance. Choose New Head.
Q: Does it hurt?
Sir Edward Grimsdyke
Eddie Grimsdyke answers: It depends on your pain threshold, really. Of course
it hurts a bit. Just a little bit. But obviously there will be some pain,
like being awake whilst your leg is sawn off, but most of the time it's a
pleasurable experience. New Head will do its best to see off the odd
traumatic convulsion with an aspirin & gin supplement, provided at great
expense to yourself. But for the worst moments of torture, dont worry,
as our expert orderlies will obligingly just hold you down, and ask you to
bite on a piece of wood. Sorted!
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