Thank you Cuddles, I found it. Thank you to everybody who keeps the name of 49 Para alive. Special mention to Auld-Yin who 'did the door' at a recent function and did the slop tray and the landlord's wife at a recent meeting at the Squirrel and Truncheon. He also repeated the feat or should that be feet as he chased her from the Mecca Ballroom back to the Squirrel and Truncheon and gave her one in the car park. This did cause a problem at the Annual Dinner Dance as a reporter from the SCUM in disguise did manage to gain entry but not at the same time as Auld-Yin. Mr Lardbucket McNasty was ejected by two members. We told just him he was not weclome but as a journalist this didn't cut any ice so he was bounced down the stairs.

Cuddles has said too much already but I am reminded of Aidan. Not the country but Aidan McGurgle the only member of 49 Para to win the GOB and live to tell the tale. It was a night assault but then I discovered somebody had drawn the curtains but why somebody would want to draw curtains is still a mystery to me. Took me ages to get it off the wall, permanent marker as well. So I pulled the curtains and it was daytime so it was in fact a daytime assault.

Revelle, Rivelli, the alarm had gone off and we had jumped out of bed. There was only the one so you couldn't be too fussy, about the bed either. But we were men and thoughts of that sort of thing were never in our heads except for that wench that worked in the Oberammergurgl Naafi. She had frickadellas that would have you dribbling and we often did, have frickadellas that is. We washed and dressed, just the one sink but we were tough, a bit dirty and probably very smelly but tough as nails though I used to bite mine. We went down for breakfast and feasted on the excellent meal. Of course years of combat had dulled our taste buds so the meal was really crap but it filled a hole. The PSA were supposed to fill that hole but they were erecting a shower block on Ascension Island just in case a Falklands War broke out. So the hole filled we had a quick puff as it was a long way to the cookhouse and we were knackered. We collected our gear and assembled on a big flat rectangular piece of tarmac that the RSM called a square. We lined up at the slow march in quick time and in open order and presented the arms we didn't have.

The Colonel appeared and dressed us, he was going to address us but I didn't have shirt on and Aidan had his combat jacket on inside out. We all stood to attention as the Naafi wench was walking past and her frickadellas were wobbling under her sexy uniform. Aidan was a sucker for uniforms; he was a sucker full stop. The mission was explained to us. Because the SAS weren't hard enough we were too assist the Dutch police in a train siege situation somewhere in Holland where it is flat. Aidan threw down his mountaineering equipment, his ice axe and his tampons were thrown away in sheer disgust. Actually I think one of the tampons was used so not a surprise about the disgust. We were to leave at 09.00 o'clock hours and a helicopter would pick up four of us. There was Aidan, myself, Gripper and Charlie. But for security purposes we would be called Aidan, Walt, Gripper and Charlie.

The DC3 hovered over the parade square blowing away the regimental mascot and it was never seen again. We jumped in the helicopter and Charlie sat in the back as he was tail end Charlie. The DC3 engaged first and the rotors turned faster and faster and crunching it into second, the pilot pulled up the stick which was on the end of a rope and was stopping us from taking off and finally we saw the rooftops of Oberammergurgl disappear as we headed towards Holland going through the Netherlands first. Opening the door of the pressurized cabin, we got an excellent view of Germany and a stewardess brought round a drink tray then had to go back as we wanted a drink not a lousy drinks tray. The minutes went by; quite quickly as we were flying so fast but eventually we reached the railway line that led to the siege.

We saw the train in the distance and the circus of vehicles. We landed and saw the acrobats, the bloody horses but left before the clowns came on. We were marshalled to the guy in charge and as he spoke Dutch we just thought he had a sinus problem. Also as we were being marshalled it was difficult staying in the hover because of a side wind. So back on terra firma or terra belowa sea levela we finally got to exchange a few words with the Dutch. So the game of Scrabble over we put our arrses in gear and asked for all the intelligence they had on the situation. We unfortunately had left our intelligence back at Oberammergurgl so we really needed a top up. There were hostages being held by people who weren't hostages but were holding them. That seemed all clear to me. Putting the dictionary down it became even clearer.

The hostage takers who were the ones who had actually taken the hostages but hadn't actually taken them anywhere as they were all apparently on the train but anyway, the hostage takers had demanded that the world's press should hear their grievances about how Mollusks were being ignored and the plight of Mollusks at home was being totally ignored. Tucking into a shrimp salad sandwich, we could understand how people could become so desperate and finishing off with a bag of Prawn Cocktail crisps we did sympathize but there was work to be done. Several of the hostages had tickets that would run out at midnight and the rail authority were insisting on obtaining the penalty charges whatever the cost. Of course we did later find out that the Mollusks were in league with the Crustaceans.

We set to work. We needed a diversionary tactic. We knew that things were different here in the Netherlands. Trains did fail to run but it was usually severe storms because of the flat countryside that blew signals or welded points but they weren't used to the UK railway excuses used by British Rail in its heyday and the private firms afterwards. Contact was already in place with the hostage takers and a direct phone line meant that contact with the head Mollusk was always possible. My brain was in overdrive which didn't help so I got it back, put it back in and tried to think of the sort of diversionary tactic we were looking for. Then it came to me but fortunately I was on my own, so after a quick change of underwear I was right as rain so they say. Who are they? I've always wondered but there wasn't time to lose. Then I had a brainwave. I spoke to the head Mollusk. I told him that we would have liked to move the train just a few metres but we couldn't. He was confused but he was curious. He asked why. I replied that there were leaves on the line. They all stuck their heads out of the window to look and we shot the lot. Job jobbed as they say in 49 Para.

It was a proud day as we all paraded at the palace. We were drunk but fortunately a kind policeman let us off. Getting back to the hotel and putting some clothes back on, we undressed for bed ready for the big day in the morning. We were all to be presented with the Leerdammer Order of Bravery (LOB) and Aidan because of killing more hostage takers (and three of the hostages) was to be presented with the Gouda Order of Bravery (GOB). For years we would remember the day we got a LOB on and the day Aidan finally got one in the GOB. The award was to be presented by the most famous Dutch person in the world but because Johan Cruijff wasn't available some Queen did it instead.

Dedicated to TheCROW for his interest in the finest regiment in the world.

Not the official motto but often used in 49 Para circles.

Tempus, Tempus, Fcuk Tempus?

Time, Time, Fcuk is that the time?

St John Walter (Corporal Retired)

Walter House

Walt-on-Thames

England

Apologies. Edited because I was tired and slightly drunk.