Keverella
A modern twist on the age old Cinderella story or how Kev actually got to go to the ball. All names are fictitious and any resemblance to anybody living, dead or resident in Droitwich which is much the same thing is purely coincidental, accidental and plain bad luck.
Once upon a time in a far away land lived a young man called Keverella or Kev for short. When I say far away, it wasn’t really that far away but no trains ran there mainly due to a dispute with the RMT and also because there were many trees in this far away land and consequently always the wrong sort of foliage on the line. If somebody knows the right sort of foliage, I would be extremely interested. Richard Branston didn’t fly there or from there, couldn’t run his trains there as I’ve already explained but everybody in this far away land thoroughly enjoyed his selection of fine pickles.
Kev had no parents, they had divorced him at an early age and Kev was being brought up or should we say dragged up by a couple of siblings or as they say in pantoland, ugly sisters. But in this far away land thanks to new legislation preventing discrimination against sisters, ugly or otherwise, they were known as really sad munters or RSMs for short. Their names aren’t really that important to the story but just to please, I’ll tell you their names.
“Oh yes I will”
“Oh no I won’t”
“Oh yes I bloody will and their names were Bill and Ron.”
Bill and Ron made Kev’s life a misery, install this, defrag that, sweep that, cook this and all for very little pay, in fact none as there was no minimum wage in this far away land and Kev was not affiliated to any union and so outside the mantle of an annually negotiated framework agreement. Pretty dumb really but he had been kept in Ignorance which was a small town close to the capital of this far away land but with excellent bus links. Life went on much as if it was pantoland, more like pantsland really but he would pull faces, act badly and break into song at every opportunity and just basically get on with his chores until the author decided he needed a break and so did the author. So did everybody in fact and the RSMs had a good fortnight in Bennydorm on the Falklands and rejoined the story totally refreshed and made Kev’s life even worse if that was actually possible.
This went on for ages and rather than bore you or bore you even more, not a lot happened until somebody looked at their watch and suddenly realised that there was going to be a big, big party which going on the fact that ‘big’ was typed twice and not a typing error, that was going to be one hell of a party. Everybody looked shocked as the house had a bad earth but they were all secretly pleased. Kev managed to catch it on Richard and Judy and Bill and Ron found out by accident or should I say by AN accident as they saw it on the same Richard and Judy show, in a shop window while they were laughing at a multiple pile up in the high street. Yes Richard and Judy were on the TV in this far away land and suddenly this land doesn’t seem far enough away.
The party was to be the mother of all parties and was to celebrate fifty years on the throne of this far away land’s ruler. Why somebody should celebrate fifty years of being governed by a twelve inch piece of wood is a mystery to me but this is a far away land, has close links to pantoland and very little resemblance to reality. But anyway those of a non-wooden variety and that was sadly only a small proportion of the government and only a small fraction of the elected members as most members were addressed with the emphasis definitely on member, but those of a non-wooden variety just felt like a piss up and a bloody big one.
So, every man and his dog which was the derogatory term for a wife in this far away land scrounged, begged, stole or even borrowed in preparation for the party. Invites were sent out to anybody and everybody though it was decided NOT to invite Jade Goody or her mum and definitely not her gran as the invites were only sent out to royalty, celebrities or those that had given huge amounts of money to political parties. Most royals declined as they were already booked but a representative would be sent and they all secretly hoped it wouldn’t be that one with big ears and the woofer wife.
Ron and Bill received theirs by post which was strange as there was no postal service in this far away land. Well that’s not strictly true, there was a postal service but it had been privatised and was so badly run that it had to divert most of its manpower into dealing with all the junk mail it received. Bill and Ron had been staunch supporters or it could just be the way they stood but supporters they were and had donated to many good causes, some iffy ones and a couple that got them a serious grilling down the local cop shop. They brandished their invitations however you do that, showed them to Kev and with unusual sensitivity knowing there was no way he was going as long as they had holes in their arses. “Up yours” said Bill. “Screw you” said Ron and the pair rushed off Ms Selfridge to sort out a posh frock for the do or even one each as the do was tonight.
Kev was distraught. He grabbed a dictionary, looked up distraught and with a knowing look put on his distraught face, a sort of anxious face with just a hint of very, very sore piles. “I’ll never go to the piss up” he typed on Ron’s PC while reinstalling on Bill’s laptop. “System error” replied the PC or not really replied but the PC crashed big time. The laptop had caught fire but Kev hadn’t noticed. He could see his face reflected in the blue screen and he looked sad. Milking it a bit he finally noticed the laptop and cursing Sony for their self igniting batteries he prayed like he’d never prayed before. “Let me go to the piss up” he asked nobody in particular. “And sort these fcuking pc’s out as well” he added thinking why the fcuk should I have to do this. Suddenly there was a brilliant flash of light and a figure stood in front of him. “What the, who the?’ he stammered. “I’m your fairy chann mother” replied the figure.
“You taking the pish?” asked Kev still with flabber totally gasted. “No mate” replied the fairy chann mother. “Are you a REAL fairy? Asked Kev his gob totally smacked. “Don’t fcuking push it tosh” replied the fairy chann mother waving a wand threateningly. “And call me Chann” added Chann putting the wand back in its holster.
“I don’t usually do this sort of thing” explained Chann. “I’m Admin and there’s usually Mods doing this line of work” he continued. “But what the fcuk” he said with all the reverence of a fairy godmother on acid. “Ron and Bill could take you, their tickets are for one plus guest” he went on. “Fcuk a stoat” said Kev instantly regretting saying that and worrying as fairy chann mothers have a nasty habit of making EVERYTHING come true.
Chann pulled out his wand, loaded it, cocked it and waved it in the general direction of the laptop and the PC. “That’s them sorted” he said holstering the wand again. “That’s totally amazing” cried Kev as the blue screen disappeared on the PC and the laptop rather than doing a bit of self igniting, did a bit of self extinguishing followed by self healing. “How?” cried Kev still in shock. “S’easy did a course” explained Chann and pulling out a certificate. Kev could just make out the word ‘Microsoft’ followed by ‘Should be certified’ “So you want to go to this piss up or not?” asked Chann. “But I’ve got no threads and no money for a taxi” replied Kev pulling out his empty pockets and showing Chann the statement that showed how far over his limit he was on his Far Away Land MasterCard. “The Visa one’s no better” he explained.
“Look tosh, this ain’t Cinder-fcuking-ella. Bill and Ron will be back and they’ll be putting on the glad rags and buggering off but you’re going nowhere unless you listen to me.” “Capisce?” Chann was a natural teacher, shame Kev wasn’t a natural listener but the urge to get to that pish up was great. “Forget all that pumpkin shite, what you need are the following objects” He wrote on a piece of paper but every time I tried to read it he covered it up so I haven’t a clue what he wrote. Kev rummaged in cupboards and spent ages in the attic and there was the crash of boxes in the garage but eventually he returned with a small cardboard box full of the items that I still haven’t got a clue about.
“Listen then tosh” went on Chann. “At exactly ten minutes after Ron and Bill bugger off, these items will turn into the best suit money can buy with all accessories plus some crappy aftershave that will knock them dead and almost literally. This item” he pointed into the box but shielded it from me. “This item, will turn into something that Jeremy Clarkson would cream his pants for and all you have to do is say THIS word” he whispered something into Kev’s ear making sure I couldn’t hear, the miserable barsteward. “I’ll write it down for you just in case” exclaimed Chann and again making sure I couldn’t get a decko, scribbled something on a piece of paper. “But be warned, it will all turn back at midnight or twelve or even both so you have to leave before the last stroke of midnight” said Chann seriously and Kev wondered who would be having the first stroke at midnight let alone the last as he would or should be gone by then. “Right, I’m off tosh” Chann headed towards the door, waved goodbye and he was gone. “But how can I ever thank you?” asked Kev but Chann was long gone. Had this been all a dream or a figment of some stupid author’s imagination? “I suppose only time will tell” he said to the kitchen table and sat himself down to polish Bill and Ron’s shoes.
Bill and Ron returned, they were chuffed to naafi breaks with their new posh frocks and paraded up and down the kitchen showing off their figures. The weather might have been fine but the figures certainly weren’t. “I’ll knock ‘em dead” said Bill. “I’m going for a shave” said Ron and rushed upstairs. “Make sure you sort everything out and no slacking” Bill told Kev who smiled secretly to himself, well not that secretly otherwise how else would I have known about it. Bill paraded around the kitchen a few more times and headed upstairs with the glib statement of “I’m going to make myself beautiful” “Not enough fcuking hours in the day for that” thought Kev to himself and spat in Ron’s shoe. “Good enough” he said to himself bulling the toecap with a brillo pad.
The hours passed, finally Ron and Bill’s shoes were gleaming and Kev never realised how it was possible to get such a shine just by urinating on them. Ron’s marathon shave-athon had ended and he sat in the kitchen in his new frock with matching clutch bag. Bill’s fur stole which had been a real steal as somebody had stolen the stole and had sold it to him down ‘The Merry Whippet’ pub was draped round his neck and complemented the new posh frock. Some fake pearls, a dpm shoulder bag and the ensemble was complete. Shame he hadn’t shaved but you can’t have everything. He sat filing his nails with a Dremel while waiting for the taxi that would whisk them off to the pish up. A car tooted its horn and the pair of lovelies sprang up defying their years, eager to hit the do. “Don’t wait up” said Bill. Don’t wait up” said Ron rather unimaginatively and they were gone. Kev just caught a glimpse of the taxi driver trying to squeeze the pair of lovelies into the back of the car before the door shut and he was on his own.
Kev checked the time, the exact moment the taxi drew away and started counting down. He stood with baited breath, well actually he was standing by himself but how can you stand by yourself unless there’s two of you and only schizophrenia would make that possible and Kev was no schizophrenic as they had taken a vote on it and the result had been two for and none against. The ten minutes were up and apart from a horrible smell which Kev put down to the aftershave nothing seemed different. He rushed upstairs and finding the only full length mirror that Bill and Ron hadn’t cracked, he looked at himself and almost fell over due to what he saw. “Who is that handsome devil?” he said to himself or rather the reflection that looked like him, a bit like him but was it really him? He pinched himself to see if he was still awake but this started him crying as he’d done it a bit too hard.
Drying his eyes and blowing his nose on the curtains, he
looked again and he just couldn’t believe it. The transformation was
unbelievable and he knew who would be knocking them dead tonight. He suddenly
remembered there was the question of transport and pulling the curtains back
and then wiping the snot off his hand, he looked out of the window. There in
front of the house was the latest Testosterone Hamster GT with gull wing doors,
0-60 in less than four seconds and still room for a
It was valet parking at the do and all the valets had already parked so Kev had to park the car himself. He reached inside his jacket making him jump as he had suddenly felt a hand in his jacket but he was relieved to find that magical invite to the do. He stood in line as all the guest were announced:
“Lord Bath and invited guest: Osama Bin Laden”
“Lord of the
He could tell security was tight and there did seem to be a
bit of a plumbing theme going on at the moment. He was announced to all and
sundry as “Another Billy No Mates” which was a good job as he had already
spotted Bill and Ron in the throng. He walked past them and they did glance but
there was no sign of recognition in their eyes, they were just bloodshot as per
usual. Kev mingled, he didn’t know he was mingling but that’s exactly what he
was doing. He was getting looks and once he’d pulled up his flies, there were
slightly less but he was still getting them. Then suddenly and without warning,
he saw the most beautiful girl he had ever seen in his life and it wasn’t Ron
or Bill. This vision of loveliness stood in an exclusive, this is not a normal
frock, this is a hand reared, farm picked, machine stitched Marks and
Their eyes met across the dance floor, quite painful but
definitely worth it. He’ll never forget those first words she spoke to him.
“What’s that fcuking awful stench?” her voice was like a fine wine and he was
intoxicated though that was in all honesty the effects of the aftershave. “It’s
my aftershave” replied Kev looking deep into her eyes as one of her tits had
popped out and he was too shy to tell her. She popped her puppy back in and
smiled. “Fcuking honkers or what” she was a real lady and she spoke like a real
lady or at least a real lady who swore like a
He felt sick but it was love at first sight unlike his previous encounters which had been love at first site but at least he had got his money back in the end. They danced and danced, they did look pretty stupid as the buffet was open but when the music started again, they stole the show. Even Ron and Bill, who had pulled nobody but were three sheets to the wind, were mesmerized by this couple who seem to fit together like Romeo and Juliet, Torvill and Dean or Briggs and Stratton, the perfect match and the perfect couple. “Do you fancy a shag?” asked the vision of loveliness and Kev realised, he still didn’t know who she was. “Ok but it will have to be quick” replied Kev as time was fast approaching half past eleven. He made a mental note, three minutes for a shag, ask her name, a quick drink and off before all this finery turns back to what it was. Then he realised he hadn’t eaten so dropped the allotted shag time down to two minutes and I suppose a name isn’t that important, we will have the rest of our lives together or at least until the divorce.
But then it started to all go wrong. The trumpeters did what comes naturally and trumpeted though most would have far preferred being at home watching match of the day. The ruler was brought out and toasted which is strange thing to do to a wooden ruler but each to their own I suppose. “Are we still on for this shag?” Kev asked the vision of loveliness or the one formerly known as the vision of loveliness as she had her eye out again and was polishing it with a serviette. “I’ve got something in my eye” she whispered in his ear and Kev was sick in the punch bowl. She dropped the eye in his pocket and whispered lovingly “If we can’t have that shag then at least I can keep an eye on you” Kev emptied the rest of his stomach contents into the punch bowl and the ruler was toasted with empty glasses. “Please tell me your name” Kev asked realising he would have to go very soon. “Pardon, that’s my deaf side” she replied and Kev suddenly realised NOW was the time to go.
Kev rushed for the entrance that doubled up as an exit and
headed towards the car. In the distance he heard the sound of bells but not
being a whisky drinker, he ignored it but then from the opposite direction, a
church clock struck, once, then twice, this was it. He waited, realising that
he would not get back in time and wondering what would happen to him if the car
reverted back with him inside it. On the last stroke, the car disappeared as if
by magic or as if it was parked in
He was woken the following morning by Ron and Bill and they were excited about something. He had always known that they were really men, I mean Bill and Ron but if that’s the side they wanted their bread buttered then fine by him. The news was full of last night’s do and the headlines were that Princess Meccano had found her true love, lost him, found him again and then lost him once again. She was also quite keen to get her glass eye back as this was one of her particular favourites. She had no idea who her true love was apart from the fact she had an eye on him and he smelled like shite. The country was to be scoured which would use a hell of a lot of scouring powder but find her true love she would. There was also a small piece on the news, not bad looking but she had reported that during the fracas somebody had burnt the ruler to a crisp and so the ruler was no more. Nobody seemed that bothered and it seems they hoped that Princess Meccano finding her true love might bring some sort of normality to this far away land.
Days went by and the country was indeed scoured. Many were taken ill as it’s so unwise to sniff white powder without finding out what it is first. Ron, Bill and Kev just continued as normal or as normal as they ever were. Ron and Bill were quite kind to Kev, mainly because they were preoccupied with Princess Meccano and each thought they had a chance of her hand in marriage or if all else fails a shag. The worst smelling aftershaves wafted around the house and drawers slowly filled with glass eyes just in case. Kev walked around the house, when he was allowed but you always had this feeling that somebody was staring at you. Then one day, there was a knock on the door. Ron and Bill peered out of the window and all hell was let loose. The house filled with the smell of umpteen cheap and obnoxious aftershaves and Ron hurt his back falling down the stairs as Bill had accidentally (so he said) left his glass eyes on the top step.
Kev opened the door and there stood a detachment of Princess Meccano’s personal guard and in between them stood the ravishing beauty that was Princess Meccano herself. “Took your fcuking time didn’t you?” exclaimed the Princess scratching at an ill fitting glass eye that seemed to be in upside down. Bill and Ron pushed their way past Kev and wafted their disgusting aromas in her general direction. “It was bad but not that fcuking bad” said the Princess holding her nose but quite carefully as that nose job hadn’t been carried out as well as it could have. “Guards, remove these fcuking honkers!” shouted the Princess breaking a nail and popping out her eye which was at least two sizes too big. She fumbled on the ground and her hand met Kev’s hand. “Try this for size” he said handing her the eye she had given him at the do. “Fcuk sake, let me sort my eye out first then we can shag!” she said rather annoyed but then it started to dawn on her. She started sniffing; at first because she had dropped one but she was sure she could smell that aftershave somewhere amongst all the other ones.
They embraced and kissed passionately. “I’ve found you. Will
you marry me now?’ she asked and Kev whispered in her ear “Shag first”. They
rushed upstairs and reappeared back downstairs several minutes later looking
happy and contented. The shag over, Kev moved in with Meccano though he never
married her. They split up and she went to pieces after that and died a lonely
spinster in several different rooms. Kev married a fine girl from
THE END
And Rightly So