Is it Wrong to Fall in Love?
Chapter Three
Koenma-sama has changed, I realized as I walked across the hallway of the palace. He seemed more…friendly than usual. He sounded happier. And he didn’t worry over his work like how he used to.
Love sure can change someone so profoundly, I thought, sighing. That meant Koenma-sama did love Ayame.
I was more than glad to set Koenma and Ayame to a date way back then, but I didn’t take it as anything more than a simple, "for fun" kind of date. Later on, I noticed that Koenma-sama took notice of Ayame more and more, but anyone would think that he did that because they were in a date—hello, a DATE, right? And I took it that they had a good time. Yes, I perhaps I did fall in love with Koenma-sama when I first met him…but then, I only considered it as a crush. And I didn’t care if he went out with any girl. I even remember urging them on and wishing them luck…
Didn’t I ever notice—before we went out, the three of us—that Koenma-sama had feelings for Ayame?
No. I didn’t, I admit that. Perhaps that was because Koenma was too obscure about his feelings. He had always been like that—reserved, surreptitious—he was unpredictable. The only times I had seen him with an emotion in his face—that is, before he got engaged to Ayame—was whenever he worried about the three worlds, thinks like that. Especially when he tried to fight Shinobu Sensui in the Cave of Irima some five years ago.
He had lost all of his powers then. All the power he had hidden in his pacifier was gone in a snap of a finger. But he didn’t give up. He even disobeyed the order of Enma-sama to kill Yusuke. He did everything his way, sometimes defying our ultimate master, for he knew what is right and just for the good of the three worlds even if he had to suffer himself.
I’ve always admired him for his wisdom and judgment and for his compassion to souls as well. Many times had he almost given up his life for the three worlds just like how the Urameshi Team had. And you know what? I’ll always be thankful to the Urameshi Team—for Yusuke, most especially—because in a way, he brought Koenma-sama and me closer to each other….
But no. Not even that closeness was enough. Koenma and Ayame talked a few times around the palace, then in Ningenkai…and poof, they found romance.
I remember, having asked Koenma-sama about Ayame…
"Koenma-sama!" I had yelled, practically running towards him, while he was just sitting there on his table, not doing anything despite the fact that it was full of paper works. "Hey, you okay in there?"
"Huh? Uh, er…yeah, I was just…"
I raised my eyebrows knowingly. "Thinking about Ayame?"
Koenma-sama had almost fallen off his seat. "Well…er, I guess."
"So you like her."
Koenma paused for thought. "Um…I guess I’ve never noticed before, but…yeah. She’s so sweet and reserved…I like her a…a lot."
I had to grin. I elbowed him, giggling. "Well, that’s great! You’ll finally get out of the bachelor club!"
I had meant that, I suppose. But when Koenma-sama and Ayame grew closer, almost—or maybe closer, even—than he and I…
…Maybe I’d call it jealousy.
And that’s why I realized that I loved—I love Koenma-sama, as something more than my master or my friend.
It’s funny, you only realize how you feel when it’s too late.
It is too late, isn’t it? Koenma-sama finally has Ayame. And it only makes me feel worse because I’ve been selfishly loving all this time, yet I couldn’t even do anything about it.
I say I’m in love. Yet I didn’t change. Neither did Koenma-sama when he was with me. But with Ayame…he did.
I’ll be carrying this stupid feeling forever.
Maybe I shouldn’t have fallen in love in the first place.