To some of my co-workers, that I care so much about hockey is a shock. Of course, to most of my co-workers, that I care at all about hockey is frankly stunning. Tongue in cheek in response, yet another list tirade:

You may be too much of a hockey fan if...

You know how to spell Joe Nieuwendyk.
You know how to pronounce Teemu Selanne.
You can pronounce and spell Jarome Iginla.
You can spell Alexei Kovalev, Sergei Fedorov, Sergei Nemchinov, Viacheslav Fetisov, et al. In Cyrillic.
You can pronounce, spell, and cite a few facts about Kjell Samuelsson.
- Bonus points if you saw him play minor pro.
You have ever used the phrase "minor pro" in a sentence.
You have ever used the phrase "U.S. juniors" in a sentence.
Your arm has ever gone up in the air after someone got tripped.
- Bonus points if it was a reflex action.
You recognize all the official hand signals for penalties and infractions.
- Bonus points if you make the signals before the officials do.
At high school games, you have to hold yourself back from gasping at the officials and remember that there's delayed offsides, there's no red line for two-line passes, there's automatic icing, and there's 5-on-5 play after coincidental minors.
- Bonus points if you actually know how each of those differ from the NHL, and could recognize them on the ice -- basically, if you understood what I meant...
You've seen a high school game.
You've seen a college game.
You know anything about high school or college hockey.
You know anything about minor pro hockey, aside from the local team.
Your knowledge of the geography of many medium-sized Canadian cities exceeds your knowledge of medium-sized cities in the next state (keeping up with Juniors again, eh?)
You know what the "MJ" stands for in "QMJHL."
You know what the QMJHL is.
You have used the words "Major Junior" in a sentence.
Your favorite non-vulgar interjection is "eh."
You own an NHL Guide and Record Book.
You own an AHL Guide and Record Book.
You own a Canadian Hockey League (the non-Central CHL) Guide (MAJOR (junior) bonus points here).
- Further bonus points, even if you don't have the book, if you know what the CHL is.
- Additional bonus points if you know what the other CHL, the Central one, is all about.
You have all your old THN Yearbooks, team yearbooks, NHL Guide and Record Books, AHL Guide and Record Books and the like on a shelf for easy access.
- Bonus points if that shelf is sagging.
- More bonus points if one or more of those books is 10 or more years old.
  - Still more bonus points if you bought one of those 10-or-over books second-hand, just to have it around.
You own more than one hockey book, aside from guides and yearbooks (the copy of Fire On Ice your aunt bought you for Christmas that year doesn't have to count if you're not a Flyer fan).
You have an educated opinion about the various suggested ways to cut down on tie games -- because you've seen most of the decent ones in action at some level of hockey.
You know what the off-wing is.
You know what the slot is.
You know why the faceoff came all the way the hell back down the ice after that offsides call.
You know what a natural hat trick is.
- Heck, give yourself double points if you already knew that they don't all have to be in the same period.
You know what the trap is.
You may not like the trap, but you have a lot of respect for teams that can play it right.
You know 1980 Olympians other than Eruzione and Craig.
You can name the entire roster of at least one team, be it current or past.
- Bonus points if you know the uniform numbers, usual line combinations, and acquisition information about each of the players on that team.
- More bonus points, if it's at least a couple of years later, if you know where most of them are now.
Your ears perk up every time the updates on the local sports radio station refer to the Texas Rangers by nickname only during the summer, only to be disappointed when the team in question has lost to Kansas City 5-3.
You've seen a gross misconduct called.
You've ever asked for the degree-of-difficulty on a penalty-drawing dive (or is this a symptom of knowing too much about swimming as well?)
You can calculate goals-against average, given the relevant numbers.
You reflexively say "aboat" for "about," Canadian-style.
You've ever booed the scratches.
You've ever announced to anyone that would listen that a player got screwed in the three-stars selection.
You kept a tally of the Rangers' streak without a shorthanded goal.
In your high school or college yearbook, you quoted a hockey player, broadcaster, coach, or executive.
- Bonus points if you had the quote saved for two or more years for that express purpose.
- More bonus points if the quote was relatively obscure, or if you actually heard it live.
You know all the criteria for using instant replay.
- Bonus points if you brag to the football posse about your sport's instant-replay success.
All your friends are talking about the Jets game, and your first subconscious thought is "What? They're in Phoenix now."
You know who the Kansas City Scouts, the Colorado Rockies, the Cleveland Barons, the Minnesota North Stars, the Oakland/California (Golden) Seals, the New York Americans, the Hartford Whalers, the Quebec Nordiques, and the Winnipeg Jets were.
You know who the above teams are, or aren't as the case may be, now.
You know which of the above used to hit the ice to a rockin' little number called Brass Bonanza.
You sniffled back a tear when that team departed town, because you knew your odds of ever hearing Brass Bonanza again were slim to none.
You rectified that by finding a copy, digital or analog, of Brass Bonanza.
When people slip up and refer to the Houston Oilers, you thank heavens the Houston Oilers never existed.
You understood the "Officer Koharski" and "Stan Mikita's Donut Shop" references in Wayne's World.
You have ever uttered any of the following:
- "*&%$ machine took my quarter!"
- "Eat another donut!"
- "Good things happen when (fill in the blank...)."
- "Do you believe in miracles?!"
- "Kinda like the Zamboni, eh?"
- "Triple-deke!"
Every time you see the kid from Dawson's Creek, you yell "TRIPLE-DEKE, CHARLIE!"
You question why the hell they'd bother to name simple stickhandling -- it'd be pretty hard to just shovel it all the way into the zone, eh?
You still giggle at the horrifyingly against-the-rules stuff pulled in the Mighty Ducks series of movies.
Regardless, you appreciated the Mighty Ducks movies (well, the first one at least), because it had been a while since there was a hockey movie at all -- even if they did have mighty Iceland as a hockey power in the second one.
You giggled uncontrollably when Iceland got the bejeezus kicked out of it by Kazakhstan in the European Championships, 63-0. Not because of the score -- because of the movie.
You have at least a vague understanding of Group VI free agency.
Hell, you have at least a vague understanding of ANY group of free agency.
You knew there was such a thing as Group VI free agency.
You have ever unconsciously hummed "I Wanna Drive the Zamboni" or "The Hockey Song."
You've gotten this far with a smile on your face. Yeah, I'm talking to youse, you know who y'all are...

Anchored the boring homepage, 1/11/99-3/20/99.

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Michael Fornabaio---mef17@oocities.com