Special Squad

	Deborah is sitting on a sofa watching television.
	Suddenly there is some extremely violent hammering at 
	the door. We hear Stephen and Hugh off.


Stephen		(Off) Just turn the handle.

	More crashing.

		(Off) Turn the handle. What's the matter
		with you?

Hugh		(Off) Nothing.

	More crashing.

Stephen		(Off) All you've got to do is ...

Hugh		(Off) Look, I've carried this bloody thing all the
		way from the car park, I'm not going to just turn
		the handle and walk in.

Stephen		(Off) All right, well I'll turn the handle.

Hugh		(Off) Do what you like. I'm smashing this bloody
		door in.

	The door opens. Stephen enters the room.

		(Off) Close the door, close the door.

	Hugh stays in the doorway and smashes the door to 
	pieces with a sledgehammer.

Deborah		(Scared) What do you want?

Stephen		Mrs Catherine Popey?

Deborah		Yes? What? Who are you?

Stephen		Sorry to disturb you madam, my colleague and I
		are making some routine door-to-door enquiries
		in this area. D'you mind if we come in?

	The door is finally off its hinges.

Hugh		Finished.

Deborah		Well, why didn't you ring the bell?

Stephen		You see, I knew this would happen. She's now
		asking why we didn't ring the bell.

Hugh		We thought you were out.

Stephen		No, that's the wrong answer. That's the wrong
		answer.

Hugh		We didn't want to disturb you.

Stephen		No. No no no.

Hugh		If we had rung the bell, there would have been no
		point in my having carried a sledgehammer all the
		way from the car park.

Deborah		I see.

Stephen		(Pause) Yup. Looks like we may have got away
		with that one. Now Mrs Popey, is your husband
		at home?

Deborah		What?

Stephen		Your husband. Is he at home at the current time?

Deborah		I haven't got a husband.

Stephen		You haven't got a husband? I see. Right.

Hugh		Well when do you expect him back?

Deborah		What?

Stephen		No. No. That's the wrong question.

Hugh		Is it?

Stephen		Yes it is. Now then ...

Hugh		When do you expect her back?

Stephen		Now then Mrs Popey, please excuse the
		incompleteness of our records. Computer trace
		indicates that you are currently the holder of a
		husband.

Deborah		Well I'm not.

Stephen		You're not. Well I'll have my colleagues amend
		the record accordingly. Now then Mrs Popey.

Deborah		Yes?

Stephen		Your husband's been a bit busy lately, hasn't he?

Deborah		What?

Stephen		Been giving us the proper runaround.

Hugh		He's scum. That's what he is. He's a scumbag.
		A great big bag of scum, he is, scumming around
		in a big bag. That's what he is. And he always
		will be.

Deborah		I haven't got a husband. I'm not married.

Hugh		You can take the scum out of the bag, but you
		can't take the bag out of the scum.

Stephen		Yeah ...

Hugh		Boil in the bag scum, that's what he is.

Stephen		Yeah, my colleague has perhaps adopted a rather
		more forthright tone than I would have chosen,
		but then I like to think that's why we work so
		well together. Because we compliment each other,
		you see.

Deborah		Really?

Stephen		Yes, we compliment each other beautifully. Watch
		this. You're looking very smart today.

Hugh		Thank you. That's a very nice haircut.

Stephen		You see? Teamwork. Now then. To business, Mrs
		Popey. Your husband has ...

Deborah		For heaven's sake. How many times do I have to
		tell you? I haven't got a husband.

Stephen		Well now ...

Hugh		Twenty-five.

Stephen		Excuse me for just a moment, would you, Mrs
		Popey? (To Hugh) What?

Hugh		She's got to tell us twenty-five times that she
		hasn't got a husband.

Stephen		Why?

Hugh		Once for every day in the week.

Stephen		Yeah, that doesn't quite work.

Hugh		Doesn't it?

Stephen		No.

Hugh		Alright. Once for every year he's going to spend
		inside. The scumbag.

Deborah		Look, I don't know who you are, or why you
		want to speak to a husband I haven't got, but I'm
		telling you ...

Stephen		Oh, we don't want to speak to him.

Deborah		Don't you?

Stephen		No no no.

Hugh		No no. Speak to him? No.

Stephen		If I may say so, I think you've been watching too
		many films, Mrs Popey.

Deborah		Well whatever. The point is, I haven't got a
		husband and therefore do you think it's possible
		that you might actually have the wrong house?

Stephen		No no no.

Hugh		No no no no no no no.

Stephen		No.

Hugh		No. You see, we've already been there.

Deborah		Where?

Hugh		To the wrong house. We've just come from the
		wrong house, just now.

Stephen		My colleague is absolutely right, as it happens
		Mrs Popey. We have, just this minute, come from
		the wrong house. So that argument doesn't really
		stand up, I'm afraid.

Hugh		No. That argument falls straight over.

Stephen		Yeah.

Hugh		And just lies there.

Stephen		Now since you claim to be alone in the house,
		you won't mind us having a quick look around?

Deborah		How quick?

Stephen		Very quick.

Deborah		Help yourself.

Stephen		Thank you.

	Stephen and Hugh wave their heads about, stupidly.

		There. That didn't hurt, did it?

Hugh		It did actually.

Deborah		Just whatever you do, don't wake up my son.

Stephen		I beg you pardon?

Hugh		Yeah so do I. I beg it as well.

Deborah		My son is asleep upstairs. I'd rather you didn't
		wake him.

Stephen		Now wait a minute Mrs Popey. Wait just a minute.

Hugh		Whoah there, boy! Whoah!

Stephen		Hold on one second. You have a son?

Deborah		Yes.

Stephen		Well now Mrs Popey, we may be stupid, but
		we're not clever. How do you come to have a son
		without having a husband. That sounds mightily
		ingenious.

Deborah		He was a sailor.

Stephen		Mmm. In the Navy?

Deborah		No, with the Nat West.

Stephen		I see. Well, we'll leave that for the moment. This
		son of yours, he's upstairs, you say?

Deborah		Yes, asleep.

Hugh		What, tired, is he?

Stephen		I'm not surprised he's tired after the merry dance
		he's been leading us.

Hugh		Yes, a very merry dance indeed he's been
		a-leading us of. Highly merry. Ha, ha, ha, it's
		so merry.

Stephen		I think we'd better have a word with this son of
		yours, Mrs Popey, if it's all the same to you.

Deborah		Only if you promise to leave as soon as you've
		finished.

Stephen		Of course Mrs Popey. We'll leave just as soon as
		we've finished being here.

	Deborah exits.

		What a charming woman.

Hugh		Charming. Delightful. A really super woman.

Stephen		She's taken it so well.

Hugh		This is it, you see.

Stephen		Too well, perhaps.

Hugh		Well I didn't want to say, but yes, she may have
		taken it too well.

	Deborah reenters, carrying a cot containing a 
	small baby.

Deborah		This is my son William.

Stephen		Aha. You've been a bit of a naughty boy, haven't
		you, William.

Hugh		Ask him what he's done with the stuff.

Stephen		Now then William, what have you done with the
		stuff? (To Hugh) What stuff?

Hugh		I don't know. It was a trap.

Stephen		He hasn't fallen for it.

Hugh		(Pause) Scumbag.

Hugh		Who are the great hat-wearers of
		today? There aren't any, you see.
		No one for the kids to look up to.