Humorous Quotes
Here are a few of my favorite humorous quotes. If you see any errors on this page or any other please feel free to
e-mail me
! Enjoy!
"I hold no grudges. I have a mind that retains nothing." ~Bette Midler "The problem with people is that they don't admit their faults. I'd admit mine, if I had any." ~Unknown "I've stopped trying to understand." ~Unknown "Worry is a circle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a point of fear." ~Unknown "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." ~Lilly Tomlin "I can only please one person per day. Today's not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either." ~Unknown "Denial ain`t just a river in Egypt." ~Mark Twain "Life is just one fool thing after another; love is just two fool things after each other." ~Unknown "I believe in living each day as if it were your last -which is why I have no clean laundry- I mean, c'mon, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their life?" ~Unknown "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." ~Oscar Wilde "Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." ~Frank Leahy "It's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude." ~Alexander Haig "If you're lonely while you're alone, you're in bad company." ~Jean-Paul Sortre "If you're all wrapped up in yourself, you are way too overdressed." ~Jane Anne Clark "Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it." ~Oliver Herford "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." ~Albert Einstein "I'd rather be thought a fool than to open my mouth and remove all doubt." ~Unknown "I never let my schooling interfere with my education." ~Mark Twain "People are funny: They spend money they DON'T have to buy things they DON'T need to impress people they DON'T like." ~Unknown "I have learned that the dashing knight that was supposed to sweep me off my feet-has apparently gotten lost in the forest." ~Unknown "Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes - there's too much flirting with the enemy." ~Unknown "Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person goodnight." ~Andy Warhol "If reading is knowledge and knowledge is power and power corrupts and corruption is evil and evil gets you punished. Then, reading gets you punished." ~Unknown "Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative." ~Unknown "Geometry is like a bad dream; while you're in it you just want it to end. Then, when it's over, you don't remember a thing!" ~Unknown "Some day my ship will come - with my luck, I'll be at the airport!" ~Unknown "I'm a firm believer that sometimes it's right to do the wrong thing." ~Dawson's Creek "All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening." ~Alexander Woollcott "Don't take life too seriously. You'll never escape it alive anyway." ~Elbert Hubbard "There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot." ~Steven Wright "The man who can smile when things go wrong has found someone he can blame it on." ~Arthur Bloch "I am an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way!" ~Carl Sandburg "I always wanted to be somebody. I realize now I should have been more specific." ~Lily Tomlin "Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs." ~Miss Piggy "There are easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree for instance." ~Unknown "The problem with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then they marry him." ~Cher "When someone annoys you, it takes 43 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 to extend your hand and whack them in the head." ~Unknown "I may be a schizophrenic, but hey, I'm good people." ~Unknown "The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school." ~Unknown "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill." ~Unknown "Men are stupid. If you forget, they will remind you." ~Unknown "Diamonds are a girl's best friend; dogs are a man's best friend. Now, who's the smarter sex?" ~Unknown "Men are living proof women can take a joke." ~Unknown "God loves stupid people, that's why he made so many men." ~Unknown "This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me." ~Unknown "The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do." ~Harold Coffin "A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer." ~Robert Frost "Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'" ~Charlie Brown "Maybe we all start out smart. Then we discover boys, and end up as stupid as they are." ~Unknown "The notion of two people spending their entire lives together was invented by people who were lucky to make it to twenty without being eaten by dinosaurs." ~St. Elmo's Fire "I can resist anything except temptation." ~Oscar Wilde "Be optimistic: all the people you hate now are eventually going to die." ~Tom Green "I haven't failed. I've found 10,000 ways that don't work." ~Ben Franklin "We do what we must and call it by the best names." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson "A sobering thought: what if, at this moment, I am living up to my full potential." ~Jane Wagner "I know God doesn't give me anymore than I can handle. I just wish he didn't have so much faith in me." ~Princess Aurora "Life is a roller coaster...except it's not." ~Unknown "Don't ask me what it's like to be serious, I've never known." ~Unknown "I'd rather look at the world from a different angle." ~Unknown "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups." ~Unknown
