And as I sat in the church during the wedding ceremony, I thought of all of the fun I was going to have at SEMO the minute the marriage was complete.
As soon as my parents would allow, I was in my car and heading to the city of love, happiness, and Natty Light, Cape Girardeau. When I arrived at the Stoop, Jarv and Juan were already feeling it, because they had been boozing it up while I was in church.
After a few beers, Taake, the man, the myth, the legend, made his appearance. And in one of the greatest parking maneuvers of all time, he managed to parallel park his car tightly between my car, and another. However, good old Tad Chaake bumped into the back of my car while parking; and instead of backing up, he decided to rev the engine, and push the Bonneville for a few inches, before finally getting out of the car.
Thanks a lot Chad.
Normally, I'd be pretty pissed off at somebody for hitting my car, but when you realize that Taake makes the Incredible Hulk look like Steve Urkel, I decided to let it slide. I started to feel the buzz of the brew-ha-ha’s, and we got some music playing. The song “Faith” by Limp Bizkit came on, and Taake and I were going apeshit, we were jumping around so much that the CD skipped about a minute and a half of the song. We then decided to slow it down, for the sake of the CD player.
Tad Chaake, the godfather of soul, and drinking.
As I drank a few more beers, everyone was getting on their Halloween costume. It was impossible to pick a favorite out of the Stoop Troop. Juan had chosen to be Mike Shannon, the infamous Cardinals broadcaster, who always seems to find a tall, cold, Budweiser while commentating ballgames. Jarvis decided to be Harray Caray, the late, great Cubs announcer, as well as one of the funniest Will Ferrell SNL skits ever.
Good old Linnemann did not disappoint, he chose to be Maverick from Top Gun. More specifically, he chose to be Maverick in the “Beach Volleyball” scene. To do this, he decided to wear his airforce cap and some of the shortest motherfucking jean shorts I’ve ever seen. Every damn time Bry walked by, I laughed my ass off, I mean, Look at this guy:
I was in the mood for an old fashioned chairshot, and since I was in debt to Juan, I decided to let him do the honors, I handed him a chair, and told him to go nuts.
He didn’t, so I decided to pull out the insults and motivate him to go nuts. I had the line that I was going to use picked out for a while, and after the love-tap from the chair, I looked at him and said, “Cyndi Lauper SUCKS.” If you know Juan, you know that he’s a big, big Lauper fan. However, my plan backfired, and DonJon/Mike Shannon was laughing way to hard to hit me with a chair.
I then asked Steve/Harray Caray, if he wanted to help me out. He declined, I then used my motivational speech again.
“Brett Favre is a FAG”
KLANG
Steve swung the chair like he had a pair.
And, as usual, the chairshot missed its target, and my skull dented the back rest of the chair.
Does anyone out there know how to swing a chair right?
It came time to go to the party, at the 420 house (which is where I meet Chrisch Chrischstopherschon) We loaded up a cooler, and made our way to the bash. The party was a strict costume party, they even turned away GIRLS, if they weren’t wearing a costume. This blew my mind, mainly because I’m used to girls getting in free to any and every party here at Rolla, but at SEMO, they keeps it real.
I was not wearing a costume, I showed up at the party with the same outfit that I wear every time that I’m in Cape: a hockey jersey, sunglasses, and mardi gras beads.
When I got to the door, the guy at the door asked me, “You need a costume to get in dude” The party was taking place during the lockout of the NHL, which would eventually cancel the 2004- 2005 season.
“What are you dressed as?” the guy then asked me.
I just said, “I’m the last hockey fan left.”
The dude started cracking up and said, “That’s good enough for me, bro.” And I was in.
When I got in to the house, I got to see some of the greatest Halloween outfits of all time. La Del was dressed as Tyrone Biggums, that crazy crackhead from Chappelle’s Show. And the American Badass, Scott Reichert, was dressed as Tyrone’s crack dealer.
What’s the white stuff Scotty?
In the presence of such famous personas, Jarv Caray decided to start doing his job, and do some interviews. The interviews were classic Caray, and sounded a-like this:
Jarv Caray: “HEY, HEY, TYRONE, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE PARTY?”
Tyrone: “Well, I’d just like to say …”
JC: “THAT’S GREAT, ANYWAY, I WAS THINKING OF GETTING MYSELF ANOTHER COLD BUDWEISER, YOUR THOUGHTS?”
Tyrone: “I gue…”
JC: “GREAT STORY, I’LL BE BACK IN A LITTLE BIT.”
I swear it got funnier as the night wore on.
The entertainment of the evening was a band that rocked so hard, no vocals were needed. As I rocked out hard to the 10 minute guitar solos, I just thought to myself that this is something that Bam Margera would be all about.
It was inevitable that the cops would eventually show up to this loud as fucking hell party, and when they did, I decided to do something at least a little evil on All Hallows Eve. I joined Sissy Mappington, and her friend Sara, for a night of stealing signs… on foot.
Being the end of October, beginning of November, political signs were anywhere and everywhere. The sign of the night was the Matt BLUNT signs, for obvious reasons. We soon walked up on a four foot square sign, which was wired to two poles in the ground. After about four seconds of planning, I decided to just run right through the motherfucker, and take it down a peg.
At one point, we were walking through an alley, and we saw a cop car about 20 feet away, with its lights on, we decided to go in another direction, I stashed my beer, UPSIDE DOWN, in my cargo pocket. The same damn cargo pocket that had my cell phone in it, needless to say, I have a new phone now.
After we had our fill of stealing signs, I walked with the girls back to their dorm, and then head out for the stoop solo. And I got lost…
On foot.
After about 2 miles, I found out where I was, and made my way back to the stoop, where I passed out, with my sunglasses still on, while lying next to a four foot political sign.
I can’t wait for next year, when I actually wear a costume.