The day started off with a bang, as Jarv and I went to a local Mexican Bar for Happy Hour. The special was two mugs, which could fucking hold like 2 and half beers, for $3.50. Jarv was in a hurry to get tipsy, because his mom and aunt were coming to visit. And if you haven't met Jarv's mom and aunt, I pity you.
So Jarv was all about getting fucked up, but I was still hurting from the night before, so he was smoking me on these beers. Steve's like, "hey Doerr, are you hungover or something?"
I said, "And then some Steve" ,we then got into a discussion about the movie "The Last Boy Scout" where the "and then some" line came from.
Steve said his favorite part of the movie is when Damon Wayans hits the senator in the face with a football to stop a sniper from shooting him. I told Steve that the ball never hits the senator in the face. He's like, "Yeah it does man."
I've seen this movie about 50 times, so I bet Steve 10 bucks that the ball never hits the senator in the face. Jarv's like, "then why is the dude's nose bleeding in the next shot?"
My explaination is that the ball slowed the bullet enough to just break the senator's nose, instead of killing him. (Even as I type this shit I can't fucking believe a thought that crap)
After round two of beers, and only 15 minutes before the family visit, Steve ordered another round. When he got to about 1/4 of a tank, he said, "Hey Doerr, I bet you a bottle of Jim Beam that I finish my beer before you finish yours."
I'm like, "pff, you're going to win."
After Jarv finished his beer, we sat there for about three minutes when he took my fucking beer and poured some of it in his. I was pissed, nobody fucks with Double D's beer.
I gave Steve the stare-down, and said, "What the fuck is that?"
As he explained himself, I pounded the rest of my beer, stood up, and started to dance a jig. Jarvo's like, "What the fuck are you doing?"
I said, "You owe me a fuckin' bottle of Jim Beam MUH FUCKA!"
Jarv's reply was: "You magnificent bastard"
We returned to the Stoop to get Hutch, and we then went to Applebee's to meet Wendy and Sandy. Our waitress was awesome, and attractive, we convinced her that me, Jarv, and Hutch were all brothers. And it was in the family atmosphere, that we, the Jarvis Brothers, helped themselves to a few tallboys. All on the tab of their loving mom and aunt.
After dropping off Hutch, I joined the happy family on their trip to Sam's for a Jarvo supply run. The second we walked in to Sam's I said, "Hey Steve, maybe they've got The Last Boy Scout here on DVD."
Steve's like, "Dustin, the ball hits the fucko right in the face."
I said, "I wonder how I'm going to spend your ten bucks Steve, maybe I'll go to Ryan's Steakhouse or somethin." I was so goddamn sure that I was going to win that bet.
When we returned to the Stoop, it was time to begin the preparations for one hell of a summer-ending bash.
If you ever need to throw a huge-ass party, here's what you're going to need:
1. Ten bags of ice.
2. Three 1.75 liter bottles of vodka.
3. Kegs
4. And a group of people that just don't give a fuck.
Luckily, the Troop has access to all of that shit, and the party was rockin.
... and then some.
Early in the party, I met up with Jessica
Who by the way I find to be absolutely "captivating."
If you look up the word "captivating" in the dictionary, you'll find this:
Cap.ti.vat.ing: to influence and dominate by some special charm...
...or trait...
...with an irresistible appeal.
Jess definitely influenced and dominated my entire night, I hung out with her the whole fuckin time. Being summertime, it was hot as hell in the house, further complicating things was the fact that I was wearing my Blues hockey jersey. Everyone was telling me to take it off, but GODDAMMIT, I BLEED BLUE, BITCH.
Jess was liking the mardi gras beads that I was wearing, and she wanted some.
"You know what you have to do" was my response.
She was not flashing that night. She then bet me that if I took off the jersey during the night due to the heat, I would have to give her my beads. I was all like, "tsh, Bring It"
I sweated my motherfucking balls off the entire night, but I would not take of the Blues jersey for nothin.
Then my boy Bastien showed up, and was all about some drinkin games, which is why he's my fuckin boy.
In the spirit of tradition, I told him to pick out a hot chick, and I would take his picture with her.
Another good pick, kid
A Turbo Cups Tournament broke out, and I was goin all out, and sweating like one of Bry's Bitches in the process.
After the drunkening, the party moved upstairs. At one point, I found my self chatting with some ladies, when "Their Track" came on.
Allow me to explain "Their Track." It's my belief that every girl has that one fuckin song that drives them nuts. They can't help but shake their ass like the mothafucka is on fire whenever they hear it.
When these ladies "Track" came on, they were like, "This my track girl!"
I knew what was coming, and was pretty fuckin pumped.
The coffee table became a dancefloor, and I know a good photo-op when I see one, so I took about 10 pictures of this:
But what the FUCK is this dude looking at?
I then went upstairs to get something out of Jarv's room, when I found something that has been in many of my dreams, a keg, alone, on the bed. I saw a photo-op, so I decided to take a picture of the closest thing to a threesome that I'm ever going to get in my life.
Double D, a keg, and bottle of whiskey. Dear Playboy...
The party continued for a while, and another hot chick was playing a card game, and I noticed that her panties were showing, slightly. It came to her attention that I was looking, so she hiked them up a little, and gave me another photo-op. And I love her for it.
Again, what the FUCK is this dude lookin at?
The party raged on, and at one point, even the coffee table passed the fuck out.
Amazing
The night was coming to an end, and I was still rocking the jersey in spite of the heat, and I reminded Jess about our little bet.
"Oh yeah, we never said what would happen if you won." she said.
I said, "You're right, and since I won, I want give you a kiss, but not just any kiss, an Australian Kiss"
She was like, "What the fuck is that?"
I said, "It's like a French Kiss, but Down Under!"
We had a good laugh at that one, and I said, "So, how about it?"
And in true Double D style, I was shot down.
Normally, I would have been pretty bummed, but I was so wasted, that I just blew it off, and kept drinkin.
They next day, I woke up, and took a tour of the house, which was hellaciously trashed.
The upstairs was trashed.
Downstairs was trashed.
And the outside of the house was trashed.
Hellaciously. Months later, I watched my copy of The Last Boy Scout, and was shocked to see that the the football ROCKS THE SENATOR RIGHT IN THE FUCKING GODDAMN FACE. I called Jarv, and told him to start dancing a jig, because I was buying him a copy of The Last Boy Scout on DVD, for $10.