I've been a part of many great competitions, I was an integral part of my high school baseball team's run in the playoffs...
from the bench. I've also won 72 Beer Cup Games in a row. But as intense as those two things were, NOTHING could compare to The Legendary Keg Race of 2004.
I got the call at my apartment from The Stoop. Keg Race dude, Illinois VS Missouri. Two ten person teams race to see who can finish a keg faster. The first thing that went through my head was, "Competitive Drinking, Damn I love SEMO."
I showed up to the Stoop on Friday, intending to take it easy so I could save up my liver for Saturday's main event. And that's exactly what I did. In a rare showing of discipline, I only had a 12 pack on Friday. Jarv and I spend the day playing NHL Hockey on the Sega Genesis.
We played about 140 minutes of on-ice hockey as the St. Louis Blues vs. the Redwings...
We finished one game.
Every time we scored a goal, a half-drunk celebration would ensue, reeking havoc on the fragile, old Sega. The game locked up countless times, more than once in the third period. Beer was involved in each game, and when Jarv and I tried a high five, it rarely worked. Jarv would come in the the fist, I would come in the the open palm, and each one of us would switch before the high five was finished.
Hilarity ensued.
We played the game with Jarvo's modified lines, which put old school bruiser Garth Butcher in the game at defense.
Each time good old Garth got the puck, (Which was often, because every time we got the puck, even with Brett Hull, we passed it around until it got to Garth) we started singing "The Eye of the Tiger..."
Garth,
Garth, Garth, Garth,
Garth's the man, skating up ice,
He's got the puck,
He's a baller.
After a few more beers, Jarv started singing differently:
Garf,
Garf, Garf, Garf...
Hilarity ensued, again.
Friday came and went, and it was time for The Keg Race.
We (Team Illinois) were pretty confident going into the Race, as our team had some of the greatest drinkers I've ever had the privilege to get wasted with:
1. Jarvo (Team Captain)
2. Juan
3. Mitch
4. Troy
5. Tyler
6. Scott "The American Badass" Reichert
7. Linnemann
8. Doerr (Me)
9. Kilgore
10. I don't remember right now.
At the helm of Team Missouri was none other than Hutch. I don't remember team Missouri's lineup, hell, I don't remember MY team's lineup. The reason that I don't know this shit is because I had a few drinks on the day.
The trash talking occured early and often in this one. Both teams had taken the liberty of wearing jerseys that insulted the other team's state. Team Missouri only had two such shirts, one worn by a chick that was not on the roster, and the other by Hutch. Team Illinois, however, had the greatest display of FUCK MISSOURI shirts that may have ever been worn in one place at one time. My shirt, was a Wednesday night purchase in West Plains. It had a front and back roadmap of Missouri, with city names and all. I added a "My Bitch" sticker above the "Missouri" that was across the chest. I also added a "You Are Here" sticker by the place where Cape Giradeau was on the map.
All that I remember from Troy's shirt is that the back said, "I fucked your girlfriend" Awesome.
Juan's shirt definitely wins the beer for greatest craftsmanship, just look at him go.
My favorite part of the shirt is the phrase, "Mmm, mmm, BITCH" from Chappelle's Show.
My personal favorite shirt was Jarv's. Most of Team Missouri was from Perryville, which prompted Jarv to make this gem.
With "Perryville Rodeo Champ" on the front and "Rode your mom for 8 seconds" on the back, I cracked up every time I looked at the damn thing.
It was finally time for the competition to begin, after stretching, running some wind sprints, and putting on my aviators, it was time to start pounding. After beer five, I decided it was time to vomit.
I took two steps from vomiting, had this pose... <Insert Juan's pic of me with gum>
and started pounding beer again.
During the early goings, I was being out-chugged by Brandon on the Missouri team. I decided then to bring out the heavy artilery. The Beer Cup was about to rock the Keg Race...
and Team Missouri.
I started bonging beer after beer, then passing the cup to my teammates, then to Team Missouri in a show of sportsmanship. The bonging was fast and furious, and at one point, I decided to single out Missouri's captain, Hutch.
I gave him Cup shot after Cup shot, encouraging him the whole way. Then, I threw up on him while he was beer bonging, and then, tackled him.
My attacks were successful, as MO's Captain was down.
... and out.
After making tally marks on my left arm, the right arm, and both legs, I started making marks on my forehead.
I saw something so rare during the Keg Race that I have to comment on it. Something that occurs so rarely, that I've only heard of it happening about 5 times in history.
A Jarv Barf, amazing.
After an unbelievable amount of beer bongs, the inevitable happened.
TEAM ILLINOIS FINISHED THEIR KEG
At the moment it was announced, the greatest celebration of all time happened. I had switched to the Blues jersey, and I hoisted the empty keg like it was Lord Stanley itself.
Then, for some reason, Wrestlemania broke out. About five drunken wrestling matches were going on, and me, being no stranger to a match, dropped a few elbows in celebration.
When it was all said and done, I had more beers than anyone on either team, and was named MVP (Most Valuable Pounder) with a total of 28-30 beers.
After the thrilling victory, The Stoop Troop was concerned about the location of the empty kegs, and some had thought that Team Missouri had stolen them. The prime suspect was the smallest member of Team Missouri. Even though he was the smallest member of the team, he had the biggest mouth, which Jarvo didn't like too much. After he had enough of this, Jarvis shoved the kid off of the Stoop, this kid did a backflip over the rail and was heading head first to the ground, when...
JARVIS CAUGHT HIS FUCKING ANKLES AND HELD HIM IN MID-AIR.
The only other person in history that I have known to be that much of a badass is Arnold Schwarzennegger.
Steve didn't let the guy off too easy, though, he swing the kid into the front yard of the Stoop. (Which by the way is filled with broken glass)
The kid got up, and was pissed, and I decided to play peacekeeper, before I could get there, Jarv had knocked the dude the fuck out, and had kicked him square in the ass/dick.
This dumbass was still trying to talk shit, when Jarvo threw the kid, AND ME off of the cement wall leading to the street. I landed on my feet, but the kid hit the street hard. After that, cooler heads prevailed. (It was later discovered that the kegs were safely downstairs, but a tapper is still missing)
Following that drama, I had a hilarious Ryan's Steakhouse dinner with teammates Kilgore and Troy. Kilgore was killing me all night with his allustrious Chrisch Chrischtopherschon impression. But by far the funniest thing about the dinner was the fact that Troy had forgotten to take off his "I Fucked Your Girlfriend" T-Shirt. An Old Lady a few tables down requested that the shirt be turned inside-out.
Hilarity ensued, yet again.
Upon my return to the Stoop, I had one of the most traumatic events of my life:
I couldn't find the Beer Cup.
I immediately called Scott, who I had riden with earlier, to search his truck, he told me it wasn't there.
I then began to think that Team Missouri had gotten away with the trophy that I had defended over years of blood, sweat, and beers. I was ready to kill them. Jarv knew this because I kept saying, "I'm going to kill them." Eventually, Jarvo got pumped up, and was ready to again go ape shit on team Missouri.
We later found out that Scott had the Beer Cup savely in the back of his truck. I kept thinking of the scene in Dumb and Dumber, where Jim Carey's character says something like, "And here this whole time I've been going through such pain and personal anguish... SUCH HELL, for nothing"
A video replay of the keg race exists, and I swear it is one of the funniest things of all time. In the replay, you can see that I wore three shirts during the festivities, my "Missouri is My Bitch roadmap shirt", my "Bill Braski #67" shirt, and of course, my St. Louis Blues Jersey.
Juan's quote during the celebration is also on the replay and summarized the entire feel of The Race:
"Sorry about Illinois"