Hamlet2

Act II Scene 1
"Give him this money," Jaconiuis told Skittery, his appointed messenger.
"Fine, if I gotta go," Skittery responded, looking depressed that he had to travel all the way to Santa
Fe just to give Davie money.
"But, don’t go straight to him once you get there, of course."
"Aw, man. I gotta do somethin’ else?"
"Yes, I want you to spy on him for me, too. But do it smartly."
"Ya gotta make dat moah cleah foh me. ‘Membah? I’m not only glum but dumb too."
"Basically ruin his name. You know, tell everyone he goes to whore houses, he gambles, he swears…in general he’s a horrible person…"
"But…wouldn’t me sayun’ dat give him a bad reputation?"
"That doesn’t matter," Jaconious said, with a wave of his hand.
"Okay, well den…I’m off ta Santa Fe to ruin Davie’s life," Skittery announced, walking off just as Sarah showed up.
"What was that about ruining Davie’s life?" Sarah asked Jaconious.
"Oh…umm…that…nothing…I didn’t hear anything of the sort," Jaconious claimed, not making eye contact with his daughter.
Sarah shrugged. "Well, I have some news for you! So, I was sitting and sewing doilies at home when Jack climbed in our window and acted very strangely. He was dressed oddly too…not that I can talk since I wear frilly dresses that everyone laughs at me for but that isn’t the point…."
"Then what is? I don’t understand you young people that go on and on and on in these long speeches that are irrelevant and inconsequential. Don’t you realize that no one wants to be around someone who never stops talking? Jeez, back in my day…"
After another five minutes of listening to Jaconius babble on Sarah cleared her thoat. "Do you want me to be a traitorous spy or not?!"
Jaconious blushed slightly. "Continue…"
"So, he was dressed weirdly. He didn’t have his cowboy hat on. He had one pant leg up and was missing a sock and shoe. His shirt was unbuttoned. Plus, he was pale and shaking."
"Do you know what was wrong?" Jaconious inquired.
"Why, of course, he is just sad to lose my affections. Who wouldn’t be? So, then, he grabbed my arm and just held it and shook it and didn’t speak one word to me."
"Well, I know what we must do, now. Tell Denton!"
"All right! Not only am I telling all his secrets to you but I can tell them to the person he hates most and then maybe later we could use his love for me against him!"
"Sounds good to me," Jaconious agreed, leading Sarah off to find the Denton.

Act 2 Scene 2
"Ah, nice of you to come Jake Guildenstern and Crutchy Rosencrantz," Denton greeted. Sorry about the short notice but Jack has…how to put it delicately?…gone crazy. So we thought that since you guys were his best friends at school that you could help us spy on him!"
"Now, before you feel bad about it," Medda interjected, "we want you to know that you aren’t our only spies. His girlfriend is also helping us."
Jake and Crutchy shrugged. "A course we’ll help ya out!" Crutchy exclaimed. "Always willin’ ta help people dat got powah…it ain’t like dis’ll be da foist time. I sold Jacky boy out ta Snydah too."
"Yeah, I’m in too," Jake agreed.
"Okay, then, get to work!" Denton said, grinning evily since his plan was going to work.
Jake and Crutchy nodded and walked off to find Hamlet.
Jaconious entered with Boots who had returned from Brooklyn.
"Ah, our good ambassador," Denton greeted. "What did they say in Brooklyn?"
"Well, I talked ta da ownah a Spot’s house and he was shocked ta heah ‘bout Spot. See, he’s been sick in bed foh awhile so he kinda jest lets da boys do whatevah dey want. But, when I told him he talked ta Spot an’ Spot said he was jest gunna go through Manhattan ta get ta Queens if dats okay wid you," Boots informed Denton.
Denton shrugged. "This is okay with me. Poor Queens kids. They don’t have a chance against Brooklyn and I suppose I could help them but I’m just a selfish, incestuous murderer so tell Spot he is welcome to go through Manhattan."
"Wait…what’dja jest say? Moiderer?" Boots inquired.
"I didn’t say that? Are you calling me names? Get out of here!!!" Denton yelled, pushing him out of the room to make up for his slip of tongue.
Medda shrugged at all that was going on, never the attentive one nor one to catch on.
"Now," Jaconious started, "let me tell you how incredibly crazy your son is. I mean, this is no ordinary case of insanity. He’s just completely off his rocker. I really have to tell you how serious deranged your son truly is. He’s a kook, a mad man, a…."
Medda rolled her eyes. "Can you jest tell us what’s going on?"
"Oh, yes, okay so I have my daughter, Sarah. Well, she is mine for now, until some unfortunate lad…err I mean fortunate…snatches her up as his. Now, she has offered to spy for me on Hamlet since I figured we could just use her to find out what was wrong with him. So, she gave me this love letter from Hamlet that quite possibly contain his most private thoughts so I thought it only natural to share them with everyone I could."
Medda and Denton nodded as if this was only natural and they all began to read the letter.
"My dearest Sarah, Doubt that the sun is bigger in Santa Fe, Doubt that the Delancy’s be scum, Doubt that Crutchy is really a cripple, Doubt that my name really is Jack, but never doubt that I love you. Sorry, I’m really bad at writing letters, but I really do love you. –Jack"
"And how did Sarah respond to all this?"
"Well, of course I told her that he was out of her reach and to ignore his advances. But, now he has gone crazy with love for her and I thought it best to make you aware of this," Jaconious responded.
"Well, I thank you for that," Denton answered. "Medda, do you think this is true?"
"I dunno, might be. I don’t really catch on to anything before it’s too late," Medda answered.
"This is true," Denton agreed. "Well, we will have to test this. Let’s just use Sarah to find out if he likes her. We can just have her wander around the Lodging House until he notices her and talks to her."
"Good plan," Jaconious agreed.
"Hey, there’s Jack now," Medda pointed out.
"Well, I think I obviously must go talk to him…it matters not that I don’t know him and have never talked to him before in my life. He won’t be suspicious!" Jaconious claimed.
"All right. We will just leave you two alone then," Denton decided, leaving the room with Medda following close after.
"Hey, Jack," Jaconious said, approaching him.
"Hey, long winded annoying man who helps my evil uncle turn everyone against me," Jack mumbled.
"What was that?" Jaconious asked.
"I said hello," Jack told him, turning back to the book he was examining.
"Do you know who I am?" Jaconious inquired.
"A course I do…youh a fisherman!"
"But…what? No, I can assure you I’ve nevah fished in me life…"
"Figuahs…you aren’t good ‘nough ta be a fishahmen anyway…"
"What?"
"You lie," Jack stated bluntly, wishing the annoying man would go away.
"Lie?"
"Yes, and the sun makes bugs in dead dogs," Jack added. "You got a daughtah?"
"What? Bugs? Yes…I have a daughter…" Jaconious admitted warily.
"Well keep her outta da sun cause it might make bugs in her too," Jack advised.
"Ah, excuse me while I talk to myself about you now," Jaconious said.
"But a course," Jack permitted.
"So," Jaconious said to himself, "he still loves my daughter…and he is crazy…to think that I could lie? Never…well I did make my daughter lie to him but there is no possible way he could know that…unless he listens to me talk to myself but that would be breaking the rules…but maybe crazy people have no rules…I better stop just to make sure and ask him some trivial question to distract him…"
"What are you reading, Jack?"
"Well, lemme think…what would a person read? Maybe words…" Jack told him, sarcastically.
"Well, I know that! What’s it about?"
"What’s what about?"
"The words! What are the words about?"
"Jest talkin’ ‘bout how old annoyin’ men wid greay beards and wrinkled faces think they are smart when a common newsie can outsmart them."
"Ah…would you excuse me for another moment?"
Jack motioned his consent before returning to his book.
"Ah…A Jack by any other name would be just as crazy…wait wrong play…okay what was I supposed to say? Yes, he is crazy but still knows what he speaks of, I think. Good think I know he wouldn't be able to trick us all."
Jack just laughed to himself when he heard this.
"So, Jack, are you going to go for a walk in the fresh air?"
"Inta me grave?"
"Umm…well you could do that…I was thinking on the streets though…" Polonious answered then said to himself, my does the boy have dark humor. Usually crazy people are happy but no, we had to get a depressed mad man…I should leave now to scheme evilly against him and use my daughter against him…"
"I…uhh…have to go, Jack. I’ll talk to you later," Jaconious told him.
"Yeah, can you make shoah you get Sarah out heah kinda soon, aftah I convince Jake and Crutchy a me craziness I kinda wanna take a nap," Jack muttered.
"What was that?" Jaconious questioned.
"Nothin’ I said…uhh…don’t let youh daughtah walk in da son cause you don't want her ta concieve a anythin’ but a kid," Jack covered smoothly.
Jaconious nodded and walked off mumbling to himself about how much Jack was in love with Sarah.
Jake and Crutchy walked up just as Jaconious was leaving for all people back then had amazing timing on when to enter.
"Jake! Crutchy! Good ta see ya boys! How are ya?"
"We’se good," Crutchy answered.
"We’re not too happy…but we’se happy ‘nough," Jake added.
"So youh not on da shoes an’ not on da hat a Fortune but jest ‘bout in da middle?" Jack inquired.
"Yeah, somethin’ like dat," Jake answered.
"So ‘bout at da waist?" Jack persisted, attempting to figure out where they on the body of Fortune.
"We’re jest wheah a man would want to be on a goil," Crutchy told Jack, elbowing him playfully.
"Ah, I get it," Jack joked. "Dat whore, Fortune! So what’s new?"
"Nothin’ really," Jake told him.
"If nothin’ is new den why in da woild wouldja come back heah?" Jack inquired.
"Why not?"
"It sucks," Jack told them bluntly.
"We don’t think so," Crutchy answered.
"Well, then you are entitled to your own opinion. Ta me, it sucks," Jack informed him.
"What’s wrong wid it? Is it too small?"
"It’s not da space, its what’s happenin’ heah," Jack told them. "So what does bring you heah?"
"Ta visit, a course, Jacky-boy," Crutchy told him.
"Well thank you…but are you shoah dat’s youh only reason. Jest tell me da truth, boys," Jack pleaded.
"Well….what do ya want us ta say?" Jake asked.
"Anythin’ dat’s truth…maybe tell da truth ‘bout Denton an’ Medda sendin’ foh you…maybe tell me why?"
"Jake, whadja think? Should we tell him how dey sent foh us to find out why he’s so nuts?"
"I dunno, Crutchy, it might hoit his feelin’s dat we didn’t come ta see him but ta spy on him…"
"A HA! I was right!" Jack exclaimed.
"What?!?! YOU CAN’T DO DAT!" Jake yelled.
"What? I didn’t do nothin’!" Jack claimed.
"You can’t listen ta people talk aboutcha…only when dey talk to you are ya allowed ta listen!" Crutchy exclaimed.
"Sorry, but it doesn’t mattah cause you guys were gunna tell me anyway," Jack pointed out.
"Fine, whatevah," Crutchy said, grumpily. "So, yes we were sent foh…"
"Dat’s what I thought…now pardon me while I go into a long speech…I think I’se been round Jaconious too much…anyway, heah I go. So you came foh me muddah an…Denton…an want ta know why I have been so out of it lately. I’m nevah happy an’ I don’t do anythin’ dat is expected of me. The earth seems empty and I don’t see the point a goin’ on. Men are hypocrites wid der pretendin’ ta be noble and actin’ like angles just so dey can try ta act like god. Dey think dey are da highest of all animals but are nothin’ but dust. Men disgust me."
Crutchy and Jake began to snigger.
"Women also, if that is why youh laughin’," Jack added.
"No…course not," Jake insisted.
"We jest saw some actors comin’ ta da Lodgin’ House ta proform an’ think it’s funny dat you won't be amused…" Crutchy covered, cleverly.
"Great, den, bring dem in…" Jack requested. "I could use some mindless enjoyment."
"Well…umm…all right," Crutchy said. "Dey’ll be a moment gettin’ inta costume doh…"
"Dat’s fine, I’ll wait right heah," Jack said, sitting down.
"Den we’ll be back as fast as we can…" Crutchy promised, rushing out of the room and dragging Jake with him.
Once Jake and Crutchy were out of the room Jake stopped and asked Jake, "Why didja tell Jack dat der were actors comin’ heah…now we gotta find some!"
"Well, we cant let him get mad at us foh laughin’ at him. Didja see da glare he gave us. If we don’t stay his friend den we can’t soak up infohmation foh his uncle!"
"All right, lets run ta Irving Hall an’ get some actors ta bring back heah, all right?" Jake suggested.
"We bettah run," Crutchy advised.
Jack, who was listening at the door, laughed to himself about catching them in their lie. "Well," Jack said to himself, "at least I can use these actors and actresses to act da scene dat ole Kloppman told me an’ den Denton’ll feel guilty. Jake and Crutchy might be some help aftah all…"

Act 3 Coming Soon
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Hamlet Re-Make (Cont.)