My Angel... Born still on March 23, 1998 My angel watches over me And guides me on my way. He brings me from the darkness And brightens up my day. My angel is so precious He is my son, you see. I had him for a little while- The Lord lent him to me I thank the Lord each day For what little time we had. And though I know he's with the Lord I still am very sad. My angel was just a babe Not even from the womb I long so bad to hold him But he was gone too soon. The Lord showed me his body So ready to be born! And when I saw his precious face Oh, my heart was torn! I'll never see him take a step Or say sweet words to me. But my Lord has promised Together we will be. And so for now I'll reminisce And think about my son. And I look forward to the day When we will be as one. in memory of Lucas and all of Heaven's little angels. Our Silent Angel Lucas Wayne Whitehead I guess I should start at the beginning. Larry and I met through work (he was my customer) and started dating in October of 1991. I had just separated from my first husband in August, I had a 2 year old daughter, and I was living on my own for the first time *ever*. I had just turned 20, and I had met the man of my dreams. We moved in together in April of 1992, and Larry became a "daddy" to Myka. We decided to buy a house in June of 1995, and I became pregnant with Wade in August of that same year. Larry and I were married on February 10, 1996. When Wade was born in May of that year, we were ecstatic. Larry is such a wonderful father, and he took care of that baby for 2 full weeks because I had had a C-section. When Wade was 1, I decided that he needed a little brother. Larry was not happy, he wasn't ready for another child. But lo and behold, fertile myrtle me got pregnant less than a month after getting off the pill! Lucas was conceived in June of 1997. My boys were going to be just 2 years apart! I had an uneventful pregnancy. Just the normal ups and downs, morning sickness, aches and pains. I had switched doctors after Wade, and I was really happy with my new doctor. She's young, and she has young children also. She's a very caring and supportive woman, and without her encouragement I don't know where I'd be now. Lucas was due on March 27, 1998. I went for my weekly appointment on March 20, and was kind of disappointed. There was a new nurse, and she only let my hear my baby's heartbeat for 1/2 a minute, then turned it off. I remember being upset at her, but I didn't say anything. I woke up the next morning, Saturday, and went to work. I was working part time, and I was trying to get some hours in before the baby got here. Lucas was due in less than a week, so this was my last day. I was sitting at my desk, and suddenly Lucas lurched really hard. I held my stomache and said "Whoa!" I wasn't really worried, because Wade had done that the day before he arrived (he turned out of the birth canal and went breach!). Now I know I should have been worried. I feel that when Lucas flipped like that, he cut off the supply of blood through his umbilical cord. There were no known causes for my baby's death, and this is the only thing that makes sense to me. I may be wrong, but I will find out one day. The last time I felt him move was on Saturday the 21st. My grandma got married (lol) to my late granpa's hospice nurse (she was 75 and he was 80) and Lucas put his little foot in my hand during a prayer at their wedding. When I woke up the next morning,I knew something was wrong because he was *always* active while I was showering and he didn't move. But my subconscience (sp?) chose to ignore the truth and I went on about my day. About 8 Sunday night, I was starting to worry and called my dr. They told me to drink OJ and he should start squirming. Needless to say he didn't and they asked me to come in. When I got to the hospital, they took me to OB triage and hooked me up to the monitors. The nurses couldn't find a heartbeat, they kept trying over and over. All this time, more mommies were coming in to deliver, hooking up to the monitors and getting to hear their baby's rapid heartbeat. WHERE WAS MINE??? We were waiting for the dr to come in and try to find the heartbeat, but we both already knew,ya know? So when a nurse asked me if there was anything she could do, all I could say was "Get me out of here". I kept hearing the fetal monitors and was freaking (he hadn't been confirmed dead yet, but still..) Well, the nurse proceeded to tell me and my dh that "the world may be standing still for you but it was going on for other people"!!! Larry almost punched her! I think he would have if the dr hadn't arrived at that time and took me to a room near OB triage. She took us in there and got the ultrasound out and just started crying. She told us Lucas was gone, and offered to let me go home until I went in to labor on my own. Well, I just couldn't go home knowing I had a dead baby inside me, you know? Larry wanted her to do a C-section on the spot to get him out, but she refused and said I had to deliver vaginally (my 1st baby was vag, my 2nd was a c-section because he was breach, and my last 2 were vag.) They induced me at 0900 on March 23, 1998. I remember my mom, Larry's parents, my cousin and mom's cousin stayed there *all* day with us. We had family and friends up at the hospital throughout the day, and I can never thank them enough for being there. I remember the nurse, Susan, handing me a teddy bear and me screaming at her, "I don't want this damn bear, I want my baby!!" You don't know how thankful I was to have that precious teddy after I went home. I slept with him for months! Susan had given us tons of information and support packets. Larry read and read all day, and we were prepared when our angel was born. I don't remember a lot about the labor. I started getting really sick to my stomache (the epidurals always do that to me), so they gave me some Phenagren to stop it. Well, that knocked me out. I remember the nurse checking me, and then right after she left I said she needed to come and check again. She got mad and said that she'd give me an infection if she kept checking me, then she did and she realized I was ready to push! I think I passed out after that, and I remember everyone waking me up to push, then I'd drift back off to sleep. Lucas slipped quietly into the world at 5:45 PM on March 23, 1998. The dr placed him on the heated isolette and the nurses cleaned him up, bundled him in a blanket, and handed me my angel. He looked so perfect! I couldn't believe he was gone. I pulled furiously at his blankets~I had to see his fingers and toes. He was perfect in every way! Our little man weighed in at 7 lbs, 3 ozs and was 20 1/2 inches long. We held and loved our angel for about an hour, then Larry thought it best that we let him go. I was still out of it and don't remember a whole lot. But the memories I do have are forever etched in my mind. We were very fortunate that our *whole* family came to the hospital to greet our son, even though they knew he had passed away. My cousins, aunts, even friends got to hold my little man. I never really asked myself whether I would or wouldn't want to know beforehand that he had died, and which would be harder. I am glad I knew ahead of time, I guess, so I could be more prepared when he was born, you know? Larry said as soon as they induced that he didn't want to see Lucas, and I said that was fine but I had to hold my baby. Well, he ended up holding him too. I am so glad he did! We buried Lucas Wayne on March 27, 1998. His due date. We had about 75 people at the funeral. Our little man was laid to rest at 3:00, and a piece of my heart was with him. The things that bother me the most are that I never saw his eyes, and I never saw him take a breath. I never heard him make a sound. Those are the things that will haunt me for the rest of my life. That and the fact that I *knew* my whole pregnancy that something was amiss. On the way to my grandma's wedding, I was thinking "I should be driving to the hospital right now, not out to this wedding", then I feel him move for the last time an hour later. And when I got pregnant with Wade, I had a dream about March 23. I knew then that something would happen on that day. We didn't have the baby bed up, nor the carseat, nor the swing. I had Lucas's clothes in the drawer and that was it. I kept telling everyone, "The dr says it's a boy, but SHE'S going to come out laughing on April Fool's Day!". We'll always have our regrets and our what if's. We went on to have another child 13 months after losing Lucas. Kathryn Rayann was born on April 29, 1999. She is a healthy, happy child. Thank you so much for reading the story of our silent angel. I hope I didn't confuse anyone too bad. I just wanted to share my Lucas with the world. |