Well my husband was really upset and wanted me to have an abortion (something which now hurts him a lot) well I'm set against them and would not even think about it (not that I think anyone is bad for having one its just not for me)
So I was off work for 2 weeks with depression and when I went back things were starting to look up apart from having lots more time off work with sickness and extereme tiredness but we had started to discuss names and started buying little nappies and stuff.
Well I got to 13 weeks and I had my scan, in that instant I knew I would love my baby forever (and I still do) little did I know that my tiny baby waving at me there on the screen would be dead in 2 weeks.
Four weeks later I had a routine appointment with my midwife and she had trouble finding the heartbeat. She wasn't worried at all and asked me if I wanted to come back in a weeks time, I said no way, I'm scared and she said well you are only 16 weeks when in fact I was almost 17 weeks and they always have found all my other babies heartbeats before now even at 12 weeks so I made her send me for a scan at the hospital. She even had the cheek to say I was rather obese on the phone grrrrrrrrrr.
Well as soon as I got to the scan room and the wand was put on my tummy I knew then that my baby was dead, but she carried on taking measurements and then turned to me and said "I'm so sorry but its not going to be good news"
Then she left the room to go get the nurse to take me up to the ward.
Well she only left the screen on with the scan of my dead baby on there for 5 whole minutes, I sat there and stared.
I had my good friend with me as my husband had all 5 kids and I didn't want them waiting at the hospital.
It was so scary I didn't know what was going to happen next.
My friend went to look after the kids so my hubby could come and be with me.
I was told that I would have something called medical management where I had to go back the next morning and take a pill but I'm not sure what it was for, I was told I might get some bleeding and cramps of which I had none.
I then had to wait for 48 hours for this pill to work then I went back in where I then had to have 4 tablets inserted up inside close to my cervix (this I had to do myself ).
I then had to wait for things to get going, I had pain and cramps and then I had to take 2 more tablets but by mouth this time.
The pain got worse and worse, I had just 2 pain killers and I just said to Paul I need aomething stronger when all of a sudden my pain stopped.
It felt like I had something shoved up inside me so my husband went to get the nurse. She came and had a look and said she could see something, she got everything ready and left the room.
I was so scared and I slowly felt my placenta and then my tiny baby fall out of me
but I would not look. The nurse came and cleaned everything away. I felt strangely relieved.
About 1 hour later I asked if I could see my baby, she bought him to me (though we could not tell the sex we strongly feel that Codie was a boy)
He was perfect apart from his skin being a little soft and like jelly looking.
She then asked me if I wanted to hold my tiny perfectly formed baby but I said no, (oh how I wish I had held him now even if it was inside the basket he was in)
I spent the night in hospital and went home the next day. It was then that it started to hit me. I can't sleep, I have bad dreams, I am just about eating and I just feel like I'm not me anymore. I'm me on the outside but I'm hiding it well.
We had a funeral for Codie on 20th August 2003 and he is buried with my sister who died 30 years ago aged 2 hours old so at least they are not alone.
I will never forget the baby that I lost, and I'll always love and miss him deeply.
