Setting: A happy, cheery COUNTY FAIR. THE MONKEES are there, mostly thanks to PETER TORK's and MICKY DOLENZ's insistence. DAVY JONES is hoping he'll find another girlfriend, and MIKE NESMITH is watching it all, making sure that the other three don't get into *too* much trouble.
Peter: "Ooh, Mike, can we please, please, PLEASE get some ice cream?"
Micky: "And fried dough? Yummy!"
Mike: "Well, I guess so. But don't spend too much money!"
Micky: "Looks like Davy is already wasting ours away..."
We can see DAVY and a MYSTERIOUS GIRL running off from the group. MIKE rolls his eyes, sighs, and hands PETER and MICKY 10 bucks.
Mike: "Go ahead and spend it all in one place."
Micky: "Groovy! Fried dough, here I come! C'mon, Peter!"
MIKE watches the two drift off, and sighs.
Cut to: MICKY and PETER at a concession stand. There isn't much of a line, incredibly.
Peter: "Medium vanilla cone, please."
The VENDER obliges, and PETER walks off, after paying for his ice cream. MICKY quickly rushes after him.
Micky: "Hey, slow down, Big Peter!"
Cut to: A few feet away. Wouldn't you know that THE WHO, out of all people, had decided to come to this fair! (Huh? How'd you guess that they were going to?)
Roger Daltrey: "Why, again, are we at this fair?"
John Entwistle: " 'Cos Keef would drive us madder'n we olready are 'f we di'n't."
Roger: "Oh, yeah..."
Pete Townshend: "Yeah, Keef. Why'd YOU wanna come 'ere, any'ow?"
Keith Moon: "Fairs're FUN! An' besides tha', when will we evah get to see the county fair again? I mean, this county!"
Pete: "Right..." (to John):"Crikey, Jun, 'old ya bleedin' ead up when ya walk! I mean, why're ya lookin' down?"
John: " 'M tryin' ta find a spidah tha' I can name Boris. Besides tha', 'ow come ya nevah yell at Rog when 'e 'olds 'is 'ead down?"
Pete: " 'Cos 'e's olready close enough to the ground, so there's no big difference."
Roger: " 'Ey!"
Keith: "Can't 'elp wot's true, Rog. Gotta 'cept the facts, an' gerron wit' it."
Roger: "Shurrup, Keef! You're only 5'7 y'self!" (muttering):"Bloody gits... I'll show 'em all one day... *GRRRRR*..."
Anyway... JOHN continues to look down at his feet, and PETER (who is headed right for THE WHO) is paying close attention to his ice cream. The two bassists look like they're ready for a head-on, with no one at all noticing. (Well, except for the perceptive ROGER, who keeps yelling at JOHN, while JOHN ignores him.) The inevitable happens, knocking both to the ground. They sit there in dazed confusion.
Roger: "Jeez, Jun, I TOLD ya ta look up."
Micky: (concerned) "Peter? Are you okay, Peter?"
Peter: "Yes, I feel that I am alright, Micky. As if any of the Monkees cared."
Keith: (crying) "JUN!!!!!! Oh, Jun, plaise say ya're olright!"
John: (genuinely upset) "Keef... Keef, plaise don' cry... WAAAAAHHHH! I-I-I'm fine... *sniff*"
Pete: "This is decidely unlike Jun. 'E's not bein' bitter. Yea!!!"
Micky: "Peter... we'd better get you back to Mike and Davy."
The TWO BANDS separate, likely to never cross paths again. (Don't YOU wish?! Besides, if they didn't, we wouldn't have a story!)
Cut to: MIKE and DAVY. MICKY explains the whole situation to MIKE, who shakes his head.
Davy: "Petah? Petah? You olright?"
Peter: "I'm perfectly fine, David. Perfectly fine."
Mike: "Well, let's go home and put some ice on that bump, old buddy."
Cut to: THE PAD. PETER has gotten changed into a totally black outfit, and sings. His voice has achieved something it never had before: Pitch. (Don't hit me!! Please! I love his voice too, but it doesn't have any pitch! Please, don't hurt me!!!) We know this because PETER is doing a kick-ass job of singing... "Boris the Spider"?
Davy: "Wow, man! Can you teach me to sing like tha'?"
Peter: "Probably not. You're too nasally."
DAVY, shocked with what just came out of PETER's mouth, runs to MIKE.
Davy: "Miiiiiiiiiiiiike!! Petah just insulted me!"
Mike: "Oh, come on. You musta been hearin' things. Like Peter'd really insult you."
Cut to: The hotel that THE WHO are staying in. All four members are crowded into JOHN's and KEITH's shared room, not believing what they are seeing.
Keith: " 'Oo are you, an' wot 'ave you done wif me JUN?!?!?!"
John: "Wot do ya mean? And would you all stop starin' at me!?"
Pete: "I knew 'e 'ad bad fashion sense, but... mismatched socks? 'E nevah went tha' far before."
Roger: " 'E's wearin' love beads. 'M terrified."
John: "Wot's wrong wif me love beads?"
Keith: "I 'ate 'ippies, an' I love Jun! Where is me Jun?! I WANT JUN! JUN! JUN! JUN!"
Roger: "Wot's Jun got tha' I don' got?!"
Pete: "WOT THE 'ELL IS WRONG WIF BOF O' YOU?!?! JUN'S SICK, AND YOU TWO ARE ARGUING ABOUT ' 'OO'S BETTAH, ROG OR JUN?'! COME ON!!!"
John: "Calm down, Pait, Keef, an' Rog. Relax, an' let it all 'ang out."
KEITH starts crying hysterically and uncontrollably, and blubbering about how JOHN used to be. JOHN, having PETER's kind soul in him, gives KEITH a reassuring hug... until KEITH backs away.
Keith: "Tha's not the 'ug *JUN* used to give... WAAAAAAHH!"
JOHN feels bad, and ROGER hugs KEITH instead. KEITH sobs softly ino ROGER's shoulder, and PETE sighs in exasperation.
Cut back to: THE MONKEES' PAD. MICKY is hugging and cooing to DAVY, who is still upset at what PETER said. MIKE, however, is becoming more and more close to PETER, as they now share the same sense of humor, and tastes in clothing.
Mike: "You know, uh, maybe ya oughta go hug Davy or somethin', it might make him feel better."
Peter: (reluctantly) "Al-right. C'mere, Davy."
DAVY succumbs into PETER's open arms, and then backs away.
Davy: "Tha's not the 'ug *PETAH* used to give... WAAAAAAHH!"
PETER shrugs and walks away into his room as MICKY continues to comfort DAVY.
Micky: "Man, I wonder what happened! I mean, one second, we were walking along, talking and eating, when BOOM! We run into that dude from The Who, and..."
Mike: "WAIT! THAT'S IT!"
Davy: "So? I don't get it!"
Mike: "Somehow, when the two bumped heads, I'll bet they switched personalities! Crazy, but it's the only way to explain it!"
Davy: "Oh, I get it! But now, 'ow do we switch them back? I WANT MY PETAH BACK!"
Mike: "Well, we'll ask the operator what hotel the guys are staying at!"
Davy: "Now 'ow could we pull tha' off?"
Micky: "Say we're from the press!"
Fade to: THE WHO's hotel room. They, too, are trying to figure what's going on.
Pete: "WAIT! Di'n't 'e bump 'eads wif tha' blonde guy, in the Monkees?"
Roger: "Yeah, the 'ippy. Why?"
Pete: "They musta switched personalities!"
Keith: "My Jun? Switch personalities wif a 'ippy?! NO!!! Quick, look up 'The Monkees' in the phone book!"
So... Just as PETE dials THE MONKEES' number, MIKE has located THE WHO's number, and they both get busy signals.
Pete: "Wouldn't it be just our bleedin' luck to catch 'em while they're on the phone..."
Cut to: THE MONKEES' pad.
Mike: "Ya know, it's just our darned luck to catch them while they're on the phone. Jeez."
Micky: "Well, wait 15 minutes, and call back!"
Cut back to: THE WHO's hotel room.
Roger: "Well, Pait, 'ang up, wait 'bout 15 minutes, an' call back. They're bound to be done by then."
Pete: "Hmm. I 'ope so."
An excrutiatingly long 15 minutes pass, KEITH nervously tapping his drumsticks on anything in sight (including PETE's knee and ROGER's head, which are about the same height [WHAT?! Don't give me the evil eye! PETE's sitting down!]) even more so than usual. Just as PETE and ROGER think they're about to go mad, ROGER picks up the phone and dials the number once again. Once again, we can see MIKE doing the same thing, and...
Mike: "Oh my dear Lord, they're still on the phone!"
Davy: "Well, le's go ovah to the 'otel room, they'll know 'oo we are."
Micky: "Yeah! We can talk to them and straighten this whole thing out."
Mike: "Well, then, let's go. But... I think we should leave Peter here. I mean, he's really bitter, and they might not appreciate it."
Micky: "True."
DAVY sniffles.
Fade to: THE WHO's hotel room.
Roger: " 'Oo in bloody 'ell could they possibly be talkin' to?"
Pete: " 'Oo knows."
Keith: "Well, le's go ovah to their 'ouse, they'll know 'oo we are."
Roger: "Yeah. We can tork to 'em an' straighten this all out."
Pete: "O-kay. But, uh, we should leave Jun be'ind, 'cos, well... 'e's a bit of a dummy."
John: "Why am I the dummy? The dummy should be the dummy!"
Keith: " 'Oo, Rog?"
Roger: "Oh, shurrup, Keef! To think Jun 'ad ta be a dummy before I could get you... you don't deserve me!"
Pete: "WOT THE BLOODY 'ELL IS WIF YOU TWO?!?!?! C'mun, olready! Plaise, le's jus' go an' find the Monkees, plaise? An' quit the shenanigins for TWO BLOODY SECONDS!!!"
Keith: "Well, someone needs an attitude adjustment!"
Pete: (nearing a nervous collapse) "I need an ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT?! I'm goin' bananas!"
Roger: (pained) "Ooh, bananas, ooh..."
John: (attempting to calm everyone down) "Olright, everybody, calm down! Relax, and settle down. Let your mind go 'round. Lay down on the ground--"
Pete: "Stop quoting my song, your voice sounds 'orrid! 'S only a touch bettah'n Keef's!"
Keith: "I CAN SING PERFECTLY WELL!"
Roger: "Yeah, an' Pait's nose 's small."
Pete: "Plaise, paipol!!! C'mun, olready!"
And so it comes to pass that... *sigh* Do I really need to tell you that when they get to each other's living quarters, the others are gone, so we'll just pick up with THE MONKEES at THE WHO's hotel room, okay? Thank you.
Mike: "Where coulda they POSSIBLY gone??? I mean, they were JUST on the phone a few seconds ago!"
John: " 'Oo's there? Oh, it's the Monkees! Do any of you want some Cream of Root Beer?"
Davy: (gasping) "That's PETAH's trademark soup! Oh, you person you, you remind me of Petah! Plaise, Miiike, can we take 'im 'ome?"
Micky: "Yeah, yeah-yeah!!!"
Mike: "No we cannot take him home! He's a person, not some toy! Besides that, we don't have the money, or the room!"
Micky: "But Mike, if we take him home, we can switch their personalities back!"
Mike: "Hey, good thinkin'!"
And so, THE MONKEES take JOHN (leaving his soup behind) with them back to their pad. But not before we
Cut to: THE MONKEES' PAD. Blahblahblah, you know WHO is there, and WHO they find.
Keith: " 'S 'im! The git tha' stole Jun's personality! LE'S GERRIM!!!"
PETE flies to hold KEITH back from tearing PETER's head off.
Pete: " 'EY!! Now don' you REALIZE tha' 'f we don' bring 'im 'ome, we're nevah gunna get Jun back? Crikey! Try THINKIN' some time, Keef."
Roger: "Right. An' besides tha', tha' guy 'as Jun's personality in 'im now. Wotevah personality Jun evah 'ad."
Keith: "By God, you're right! Oh, my widdle Junny-kins... ER, AHEM... you di'n't 'ear tha', wot I just... di'n't say."
Peter: "If you think that you can just kidnap me and get away with it without me screaming, you're dead right. The Monkees are way too perky for me, except for the short guy who keeps crying into the fuzzy guy's shoulders."
Roger: (taking offense for no valid reason) " 'Ey!! I am NOT short, an' I am NOT fuzzy! Jus' shurrup, you, shurrup!!"
Peter: "Not YOU, Micky and Davy, from THE MONKEES! I mean, sensitivity is SOOO overrated."
Roger: "Oh, well, then... C'mun. But 'f you start callin' me fuzzy or short, I'll rip your bloody 'ead off."
Pete: "Short!"
Keith: "Fuzzy!"
Roger: "SHURRUP!!!"
Peter: "Jeez, maybe I SHOULD stay here... c'mon, you three, cut it out. I mean, I'm not getting in on the fun."
Keith: "C'mere, you... YOU I am takin' 'ome. An' I will love you an' feed you an' call you JUN."
Pete: "Okay, le's jus' go olready!"
On the way back to each of their digs, THE MONKEES with JOHN and THE WHO with PETER finally cross paths again. But this time, no one bumps heads.
Davy, Micky, and Mike: "It's us, it's us!"
Roger, Pete, and Keith: "It's them, it's them!"
Peter: "I, for one, do not CARE if either of you are 'us' or 'them'."
John: "Tha's not a very nice thing ta say, now is it?"
Peter: "Am I supposed to care?"
John: "*sniff* I guess not. But it would be nice, 'f ya did."
Peter: "Too bad, I don't."
Keith: (impatiently) "C'mun! Bloody 'urry up! I want me Jun back!"
Davy: (excitedly) "Yeah, c'mun, c'mun! BUMP 'EADS!!!"
Mike: "Oh, Davy..."
Pete: "Bloody fools don' 'ave any PATIENCE..."
Roger: "Oh, an' you ARE the bloody creator of PATIENCE, ain't you, Pait?"
Pete: "Shurrup an' le's gerron wit' it!"
Peter: "Who says I wanna bump back into THAT guy! I'm much better looking in THIS body!"
John: " 'Ey! This body i'n't tha' bad lookin'!"
Roger: "Oh, must I do everythin' meself?!"
With that, ROGER grabs PETER's neck and JOHN's neck, and crashes the two's heads together.
Peter: "Miiiike, my head!!!"
John: "Bloody 'ell! You bloody lit'le git. I'm gonna bloody get you one bloody day..."
Pete: "Plaise find anuthah bloody word to say besides your bloody 'bloody'!"
John: "You bloody 'ipocrite."
Keith: "JUN!!! THANK 'EAVENS YOU'RE BACK!!!!!"
Micky: "Hey, wasn't I supposed to say that about Peter?"
Keith: " 'M surry."
Davy: "An' tha's MY line!"
Keith: "Ah well, too bad! Oh, Jun, 'm so 'APPY you're back!"
John: "Uh, yeah. Wotevah."
Of course, PETER was too busy hugging everybody to even talk too much. MIKE was shocked speechless that his theory had actually worked, and now he couldn't find the will to talk again.
Micky: "Mike? M-m-m-mike?"
Davy: "You can say 'pencil'! Pencil. PENCIL! Petah, show 'im 'ow ta do the 'p'!"
Peter: "P. P. P."
Pete: "I'm gettin' outta 'ere. C'mun, guys, le's 'ope this nevah 'appens again."
Roger: "Isn't Micky the one 'oo isn't supposed ta talk?"
Keith: "Wotevah. It doe'n't mattah, 'cos now we've got JUN back!"
John: "Joy."
THE WHO walk back to their apartment, THE MONKEES back to their pad, after what had been a very trying day.
CAST (in order of apperance):
PETER TORK as himself
MICKY DOLENZ as himself
MIKE NESMITH as himself
DAVY JONES as himself
TWIGGY as mysterious girl
ELVIS as vender
ROGER DALTREY as himself
JOHN ENTWISTLE as himself
PETE TOWNSHEND as himself
KEITH MOON as himself
and last but not least,
LIBERACE as operator