What the F-Word?!

An essay by Captain Fun.


In the middle of September five years ago, during the nation’s morning dose of Starbucks, we were attacked by terrorists working for al Qaeda and Osama bin Laden. A few hours later in my high school cafeteria, some Muslim girls were the object of scorn, snide remarks, and even flying cafeteria food. I asked my foreign friend Peyman where he was from. He started to accuse me of being a racist, but I was only trying to get his reaction, being the writer that I am.

Soon, one of the faculty members was on our public-access TV station telling the student body not to take their anger out on fellow students of middle-eastern descent. Eventually, the downright nastiness turned into remarks that sounded “patriotic,” remarks like, “they have awoken a sleeping giant,” and other such gibberish. All this really meant was that white America, with all its power and money, was going to go messing in other people’s business where we just don’t belong.

Now, before I get everyone else offended at me, let me say that the terrorists who attacked the United States on that fateful day in September had no business being over here either. Their beliefs that their god wants them to die in an act of violence is as inhumane as Charlie Manson’s wet dreams. What I’m saying here is, what the F-word are we teaching our children when we say “Jesus said turn the other cheek” in Sunday school and then bomb Iraq after mass? Where’s our logic, America? Our beliefs on God are as boggled and warped as the suicide bomber who killed twenty-three people last June was.

We as a nation, just like every other nation and every other religion, believe that God has our back, no matter what. We kid ourselves sometimes by calling Israel the “holy land,” but in the back of our minds we like to think God would protect us before them. Such thinking is sacrilegious. There’s a headline in “The Onion” this week. It reads “I’m Not Saving That Guy.” The byline is Jesus. Granted, a work of fiction, but also a religious statement. In a time like this, two thousand years after Jesus has come and gone and come again, where we’re so immoral that if the Spanish Inquisition saw the crowd at a Britney Spears concert they would boil out their eyes, what would Jesus do?

I’m reminded of those bracelets that had their 15 minutes of fame a few years back, with “WWJD” written on them. The letters supposedly stand for “What Would Jesus Do?” The hitch is, you wear the bracelet on your wrist and every time you’re about to do something, anything, you see the letters and ask yourself, “What Would Jesus Do?”

It’s my opinion that if Jesus would’ve seen those he would’ve said something very eloquent yet to the point, such as, “Yeah, pretty much no one is going to do shit about these things.”

In the end, “WWJD” just became another way for people who wanted to feel like they were more Christian to feel more Christian. The amount of people that actually thought about what Jesus would do are probably some of the more interesting people on the planet. If you’re interested, I lost my bracelet after two days. It was blue.

So how can we change ourselves as a nation without killing off an entire race of people again? My answer is knowledge, and the key to all knowledge is the internet, which, in less then a quarter of a century, has managed to unite the world, bring the planet together, making contact with other nations and walks of life instantaneous provided you’re not using dial-up.

But candid shots of Christina Aguilera topless isn’t what I mean by knowledge. I have no problem with sharing beauty with the world as well, but where knowledge can bring the world together and solve problems, beauty can only make us happy individually, unless, of course, it’s Christina Aguilera topless at a Super Bowl half-time show shown on big screens held up by blimps across every nation.

Because if knowledge can’t bring the world together, Christina Aguilera’s boobs can. That’s something I’m willing to believe.

Email Captain Fun at Stickboyprez@indy.rr.com