Amazon Jihad:
Lesson in Vengeance
Written by Captain Fun
Based on characters created by
Captain Fun and Shaun O’Donnell
©2006
“An eye for an eye makes the whole world
blind.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
“This aggression will not stand, man!”
-The Dude
The Teacher
All I wanted to be was a teacher. Not just
any teacher, but a high school geometry teacher. After joining the military and
becoming a Navy SEAL, I decided I had done enough killing. Teaching was my
passion. There are over eighty five different ways to kill a man with your
hands, but none of these seemed nearly as fascinating as graphing and acute
angles.
I also coached track on the side. That’s how
I met Charla. Beautiful Charla. She was an angel, pure and simple. She
showed me, a weary veteran of the Gulf War how to live again. She was an
English teacher and the girls’ soccer coach. While I’ve never been much for
poetry, she melted my heart with it. The world was ours for the taking.
But life is never meant to be this good for
someone who’s done as much killing as I have. When you’ve spent Christmas Eve
strangling a man with piano wire while his children sleep peacefully in their
rooms next door, you can’t really be on God’s good list. I guess I always
thought I had an agreement with God. That for some reason my sins were OK
because I was doing them for my country. But what I’ve learned is God doesn’t
care about country or nationality. He cares about the human soul, and
apparently, I have a lot of atoning to do.
I remember the day clearly…
I walked into my classroom with my students
all looking up at me ready to learn. I put my briefcase down and picked up a
piece of chalk and drew a triangle on the chalkboard. It was time to have “the
talk” with the kids.
“Who knows what this is?” I asked.
A girl, Susan, raised her hand. “A triangle?”
“Very good, Susan. Does anyone know why Susan knows that? Because she’s a whore. Stand up, Susan.”
Susan stood up.
“This is what a whore looks like, class. Too
much makeup, tight clothes, and always knows a triangle when she sees one. Now,
can anyone tell me what a whore does?”
The class was silent. Susan sat down.
“A whore is a person who tries to make you
feel better about yourself by giving you diseases. Some of these diseases can
kill you. Susan, do you have a boyfriend?”
“Yeah,” said Susan. “Todd, he’s right over
there.”
“Todd,” I said. “Did you know about Susan
being a whore?”
“Yeah,” said Todd, “I figured if I dated a
whore I’d be doing better in my classes.”
“See, that’s a common misconception,” I said.
“Whores don’t actually help with boosting your grades. They just look pretty
and make you feel good.”
“OK,” said Todd, “But I kind of like Susan.
Is it still OK to go out with her?”
“Of course!” I said. “That would make you her pimp. A
pimp is someone who gets to hit the whore if she isn’t behaving.”
“What if the pimp is a woman?” asked another
kid.
“Then she’s a madame
and is usually known as a ‘crack-whore,’ because she probably also does drugs.”
“Is it OK to touch Susan?” asked a student.
“Only as long as you don’t arouse or anger
her. Right now she is in a calm state, but any sudden movement might make her
go into attack mode.”
“Mr. Terrace?”
“Yes, Joey?”
“Are there any Jewish whores?”
“Now that’s just immoral and offensive,
Joey. Go to the principle’s office!”
The class grew silent as Joey got up from
his desk at the back of the classroom and left. Maybe it’s my large size, but
my students don’t mess with me. They know I’m a bad-ass. I turn back to my
students.
“Now class, tomorrow I’m going to be giving
you a quiz on what we’ve learned today. I expect everyone to pass. Just
remember, you can do anything you want to as long as you don’t get caught. Now
I think it’s almost lunch time. Go have some tater tots.”
The bell rang for lunch and the kids filed
out. I walked outside my classroom and saw the hustle and bustle of teenaged
kids trying to get from one place to another while still managing to look good.
I remembered my high school days, playing rugby, getting sweaty, hanging out in
the boys’ shower… but I had to grow up some time.
Then I see some kid pull a knife on his
friend. I go into SEAL-mode, ready for action. I slam the kid up against the
wall and grab the knife, stabbing it into the palm of his hand.
“Violence only leads to more violence,” I
say. “Next time try to talk peacefully.” Strong words, I believe. I’m not sure
if he understood me through his painful cries, but I’m sure I got my point
across. Two more teachers came and were able to jerk the knife out of his hand
after a few tries. Some of the blood got on me, but otherwise I was fine. I
turned around and there she was, smiling and giving me that “Oh, Johnny” look
as if I just did something stupid. I ran up and hugged her.
“Charla,” I said.
“Not here,” she said. “The students can see
us.”
I let go.
“Knife trouble?” she asked.
“Oh, just a kid being a punk,” I said, now
noticing that I had transferred some of the blood to her clothes.
“Well, tell me about it over dinner, tiger.
Right now I’m late for lunch duty.”
“I love you Charla,”
I said.
“Hey,” she said, “Murphy’s looking for you.
I think he’s mad about your last average GPA.”
“I’ll talk to him,” I said.
“You OK?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Life couldn’t be better.”
I made my way to the office of one of my
most trusted friends, Principle Carl Murphy. Murphy has been a principle at
Eagle High for almost twelve years. He’s stern, but the kids like him, and he’s
a good educator who believes in what he’s doing. I walk into the main office
and his secretary, Doris Heller, looks up from her computer.
“Hi Mr. Terrace!” she says in her cheerful
voice. “Mr. Murphy’s been looking for you.”
“Did he try my classroom?” I say.
“Well, no.”
“That’s where I was.”
“He’s in his office, go on in.”
I went into the office and saw Carl standing
at the window looking out at the front lawn where the American flag flapped
freely in the breeze. I sat down on his couch and reached over to fiddle with
this weird-looking cube thing he had, but it fell apart when I tried to move it
around. He turned around and sat down at his desk facing me.
“Would you like a cigar, Johnny?” he asked.
“Carl, I think smoking isn’t allowed during
school hours.”
“Neither are Cuban cigars, but I have them anyway. Want one?”
I shrugged. “Well, I’ve never been one to
turn down a Cuban when I’m offered.”
He hands me this giant cigar and lights it
for me. I look up at the smoke detector.
“Don’t worry about that one,” he said. “The
batteries went dead about four years ago and I just never replaced them. Allows me to smoke in the office.”
“Nice,” I said. “So what do you need me
for?”
He hands me a file folder. “These are your
overall GPA averages for the last semester. They show a considerable drop.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“The kids aren’t learning anything by having
one of your drunk war buddies from
“Hey, my friend needed a gig. Plus, the kids
learned a lot about drinking and driving that day.”
“But your lesson plan for that week was on
matrices and the quadratic formula! So when test time came, the kids were
screwed!”
“Well what do you want me to teach these
kids, huh?” I said. “Do you want me to teach them that math is really just
another lie their parents tell them to make them sleep better? Math is
Carl looked at me for a moment.
“Well, I can see you’re very upset, Johnny.
Just take a breather, you’re not losing your job or
anything. I just want to see better results for this second semester.”
“You’ll get just that,” I said. “May I go
now?”
“Sure, Johnny. And keep the Cuban.”
I left his office somewhat flustered and
went back to my classroom and finished out the day. How could Murphy understand
what I went through? When I was doing undercover missions in
That evening Charla
and I made love by a roaring fire. Then we ate these really good TV dinners Charla put in the microwave herself. That night I laid
awake thinking about all the men I couldn’t save and all the civilians I left
behind. Was it worth it? Did I do right by the red, white, and blue? Or had it
all been for some kind of twisted lie. I wanted to believe I did the right
thing. I rolled over and saw Charla sleeping. I knew
instantly that if God could give me something this beautiful after all the ugly
I had seen, maybe I was OK in his book. It was the last time I felt truly
connected to God.
It seemed like only a second later, but the
clock said I’d been sleeping for two hours. I heard just the faintest of
footsteps in the room. I turned in bed and saw a geared-up commando with a
silenced assault rifle aimed right at me.
“Charla!” I yelled right as two bullets found a home
in my shoulder. I kicked the man’s gun and grabbed him by his neck with my
feet. He was still firing the gun. I snapped his neck and the gunfire stopped.
I turned around and saw Charla laying
on the bed, a bloody mess.
“No!” I yelled. Then fire rose up all around
me and I was propelled out the window and onto the front lawn, where I went
unconscious into a horrible nightmare.
The Nightmare
It had been raining solid for the last nine
days. We’d lost four men to pneumonia and still no signs of the enemy. My men
were getting restless. Mac was getting sick, Tony couldn’t raise anyone on the
radio, and none of us were going to have any more ammo after today. In the
distance we’d heard the thunder of bombs going off and the clatter of machine
gun fire, but the action was far from where we were, ordered to find a secret
military base somewhere in the jungle in the middle of nowhere.
“Does anyone know what country this is?” I
asked.
Kid checked his compass. “I don’t even know
what direction we’re going,” he said.
“Who gave us these orders?” asked Mac in a
shaky, desperate voice.
“The higher-ups. Trust me, they gave good intel,” I told him. I looked at
the map. It’s just green with dots and the names of cities like “Birjinnaal” and “Pqnrenhh.” I
have to squint really hard to read it, and even then none of it makes sense.
Finally I looked up.
“We need to keep moving,” I said. “Get your
gear, men. We’re moving out.”
We walked through jungle. We walked for
hours. We heard gunfire in the distance but no one was even near us, and if
they were, they weren’t shooting anything. Suddenly I heard something, a twig
snap. I saw a stick fall from a tree. I held up my hand and signaled for the
men to stop.
“Charlie’s close,” I said. Then, from the
trees, came down hundreds of men, all firing semi-automatic weapons.
“Spread out!” I yelled. I whipped out my
field knife and threw it, impaling it in the chest of one of the commandoes. I
fired my machine gun and threw a grenade, then ran toward one of the
camouflaged men. An explosion erupted near me and the force of the impact flung
me head-first toward him. I took him down and began choking him with my massive
forearm. Another commando came from behind and kicked me in the back. I snapped
the downed commando’s neck and stood up, facing the kicker.
He looked to be about twenty-one years old. Just a kid. He unsheathed a machete and waved it around. I
took out my bayonet.
“Come on,” I said, taunting the kid.
We went at it, the metal clanging together
with swift swiping motions. Finally I caught his machete with my hand. It
pierced the palm of my hand and blood started to flow down my arm, but I held
firm. I reached up and slit his throat, watching the life drain from his eyes
as I did so.
Finally I turned and looked around. All my
men were dead. I had three commandoes pointing assault rifles at me. I was
beat.
“What do you want with me?” I asked.
“This is the one he wanted,” said one of the
men.
“Take him,” said another.
I was hit on the back of the head with
something hard and I blacked out.
When I came to, I was looking at the
familiar face of Saddam Hussein.
“Son of a bitch,” I said. “I should’ve known
it was you.”
“The Klingons have
a proverb, Mr. Terrace,” said Hussein. “bortaS bIr jablu'DI',
reH QaQqu' nay… Revenge is a dish best served cold.”
“What are you saying?” I said.
“You are in a coma, Mr. Terrace. I am your
guardian light. Your house is destroyed, your wife is murdered, and now you
need to figure out who did it. Find out who took your wife and carry out your
vengeance.”
“Why?”
“batlh,”
said Hussein. “Honor.”
“So how do I get out of this coma?” I asked.
“Simple,” said Hussein. “You escape from my
clutches.”
I looked at him in the eyes. The edge of his
mouth twitched slightly, as if to smile. It was then I saw the pistol pointed
at me. I kicked it out of his hands, then rolled backwards and crashed into a
display case of Arabian swords. I grabbed a sword and deflected a gunshot aimed
right at me. Then I chucked the sword right at Hussein and impaled it in his
brain. I took his pistol and went out of the room.
Immediately, one of the guards saw me and
triggered the alarm. I fired at him, but he dodged the bullet. He fired his
machine gun at me and the spray of bullets nearly hit me. I rolled, stood
behind him, took out his own knife, and slit his throat, then took his machine
gun.
I walked out of the narrow hallway and out
onto the deck of a battleship. Suddenly, a harrier jet rose up right in front
of me and fired a spray of machine gunfire at me. I ducked down and crawled to
a flight of stairs and rolled down, dodging bullets as I fell. The harrier jet
followed me and I ran down the end of the boat to a door at the end. The siren
was blaring, the guns were firing, commotion was in the air, and I had to
escape and save my life.
I made it to a door on the end of the
catwalk and mowed down all the soldiers inside the hallway, then made my way
through the hallway, down some stairs, and back outside. I saw a helicopter
being prepped to take off. I shot the pilot and hopped in, checking the gauges
and making sure I had enough fuel, then I took off.
But there was one problem,
that damned harrier jet was still after me. Fortunately, I was packing
two stinger missiles. I launched one at the jet soon after taking flight. It
took a wing off the jet and sent it spinning down into the battleship, where
two more helicopters were taking off after me. I fired the second missile right
into the holding bay of the battleship, where the fighters and weapons were
held. The explosion was thunderous and the shockwave shook my chopper and sent
it spinning out of control. Everything went white.
And that’s when I woke up, gasping for air
in a hospital bed. Nurses and doctors swarmed around me. One of them grabbed my
hand.
“You’re gonna be
alright, son,” she said. “The worst is over now.”
But I knew the worst had just begun…
The Broken Man
I laid in that
hospital bed for days. Every once in a while a doctor or nurse would come in to
run some kind of checkup on me, make sure things were running smoothly. I drifted
in and out of consciousness, in between a world where reality never really had
any meaning.
Then Carl visited me one day and put
everything into perspective.
“I take it you know they found some more of
the body?” he asked. I didn’t respond.
“You’ve really got to start eating, Johnny.
We need you back at the school. Larry the substitute is doing his best, but I
don’t think he can stand these kids for much longer.”
“They’re just kids,” I said.
“Don’t say that,” he said. “That’s not what
Johnny Terrace would say.”
“Carl, my wife is dead, my life is ruined,
and I don’t even know who did it. I think whatever I would’ve said is a moot
point.”
“Nonsense. You need to start teaching again,” said
Carl. “And hey,
“I don’t think I’ll ever love again,” I
said.
“Don’t say that, Johnny. You’ll find a way.
Just get some rest and be back in the classroom by Thursday, OK?”
I just closed my eyes.
Thursday came. I was walking with crutches.
One of my legs was still in a cast and the other was barely strong enough to
hold any weight. But I was there at the head of the classroom, a teacher to the
last.
Carl had been nice enough to come up with a
cover story for the kids, so that the truth about my absence would be left
secret.
“…and that, kids, is why you shouldn’t start
forest fires. Any questions?” I asked. Joey had his
hand raised.
“How did Smokey the Bear learn martial arts
if he wasn’t a Buddhist?”
“Joey, if you’d have paid attention you’d
know that martial arts are about the mind and the spirit. They have nothing to
do with religion.”
The children nodded at this. Then Todd said,
“And this has nothing to do with the article in the paper about your house
being blown up and your wife getting killed?”
“Todd, the newspapers are paid to tell lies
about people. How else do you think wars get started?”
Just then, the bell rang and the students
were dismissed. I saw Carl in the doorway and gestured for him to come in.
“How’re you holding up, Johnny?” he asked.
“My wounds will heal in time, but it’s
getting hard to be in front of everybody again.”
“You’ll get used to it,” said Carl.
“Hey Johnny!” came a taunting voice. It was
Mr. Hobbins, the physical education teacher. “I heard
your wife got blown to shreds! Poor little Johnny’s got no little girl to go
cry to! Boo-hoo!” Hobbins laughed a ridiculous laugh. I threw my crutch down.
“Try saying that to my face,” I said.
Hobbins entered my room and stood nose-to-nose with
me. Then he grabbed a piece of chalk and ran it across my chalk board and
cackled a mean laugh.
“See you later, Johnny-baby!” he said as he
left the room.
I stood there, lip trembling, ready to hit
something.
“Don’t let him get to you,” said Carl. “He’s
just jealous.”
But I knew the truth. Hobbins
wanted a fight, and I wasn’t about to back down.
The next day, I went to the gym near my new
apartment. I started a furious workout process. I lifted weights. Then, I hit
the punching bag. After that, I tried stretching.
Within two weeks, I didn’t need my crutches
anymore. I filled two buckets up with pebbles and walked them up and down the
steps of the capitol building on my shoulders five times. Then, I put on
sparring gear and faced a Mongolian fighter three times my size and beat him.
Then, I ate a cheeseburger the size of my
head in under three minutes. I was ready.
The next day I walked into Eagle High a new
man, changed for the better. I walked into the gymnasium and approached Mr. Hobbins, who was tying his shoe.
“Hobbins,” I said.
“Yeah, Mr. Poopy-Poo?”
he shot back. I didn’t even flinch. I grabbed his hand, twisted it backwards,
ignored his cry of pain, grabbed the pen from my breast pocket, stabbed it
through his broken hand and down onto the bench he was sitting on. Then, I
rammed my knee into his face four times, breaking his nose and taking out his
two front teeth.
“Glad we could share this moment,” I said as
I sprang my pen from his hand and put it back in my pocket. I felt a ton
better. It was good to be back.
Taking Control
St. Larry’s Blessed Church is the Catholic church right down the street from my apartment. I went there
about a week after my confrontation with Hobbins.
Inside the large, empty sanctuary sweeping the floors was Father Joseph Persley, an old war buddy of mine who became a priest after
too many years of combat.
When he saw me, he immediately put down his
broom and held out his hands to shake mine and give me a hug.
“Johnny,” he said. “It is so good to see you
walking again.”
“It’s good to be walking again, Father,” I
said. “But I’m here to ask your guidance.”
“What is it you seek?”
I cleared my throat. “Someone has destroyed
my home and killed my wife. I intend to find out who,
and when I do, I intend to kill them.”
“What do you want from me?”
“Permission.”
“You don’t need my permission.”
“Not yours, Father,” I said, and pointed
upward. Father Persley sat down on a bench.
“Johnny, you’re getting into serious
business here.”
“Yeah? Well so did the people who killed Charla.”
“God frowns on vengeance. Even
in the Bible.”
“Then I guess me and God have a little disagreement.”
“You can’t disagree with God.”
“Yeah? Well he should’ve thought of that before I did. So there,” I
said, and stormed out of the sanctuary. That showed ‘em.
When I got back to my apartment I picked up
the phone and dialed the operator.
“Get me Skippy,” I said.
Skippy is, to be blunt, an orangutan,
specifically a Simia pygmaeus.
He drinks, smokes, womanizes, and fights and kills better than the average Navy
SEAL. I did two tours with him in ‘
I book him on the next flight to
Skippy arrives two days later wearing a
Hawaiian shirt and clinging to a flight attendant.
“Found a friend?” I asked him.
“She’s a cutie,” he said. “Can I keep her?”
“No,” I said. “No room in the apartment.”
“Right,” he said, and turned to the girl.
“Sorry, honey. This is where you get off.”
They say their awkward goodbyes and then
Skippy turns to me.
“So, here I am!”
“Yeah, thanks for coming.”
“Well, when I heard you were in trouble, I
knew I had to be there.”
“Let’s get back to my place and order a
pizza, then we’ll talk.”
Once we got into a large pepperoni pizza
from Papa John’s, I told Skippy about the dream with Saddam Hussein.
“Pretty weird,” he said. “What do you think
it meant?”
“I was hoping you could tell me?”
“Well, it’s obvious you’re hiding a lot of
enemies. There are people out there who want you dead. We just don’t know who.”
Just then, the news came back on in the background,
the nicely-haired anchorman said “Apparently the
We were both silent for a moment, then
Skippy said, “Well, that answers some questions.”
“Yeah,” I said.
“I could really go for another breadstick,”
said Skippy.
“Help yourself,” I
said.
Poj jagh
Skippy and I managed to convince Carl to
keep the school library open for us to do our research on the
“Scientology, found it,” he said.
“Tell me,” I said, taking my cup of
cappuccino over to where he was.
“Founded by writer L. Ron Hubbard,
Scientology is the continuing search for oneness, being, and wholeness. Little
is known beyond that of Scientology, its customs, or its eccentric founder.
Scientologists are believed to be mostly celebrities and the religion has since
become a sort of pop-culture phenomenon.”
“With the enthusiasm at which they tried to
kill me, they seem to think of it as a way of life,” I said.
Skippy typed a little bit into the computer
and pulled up a newspaper article from the internet.
“It says here the last Scientology meeting
was three months ago at Tom Cruise’s hidden bunker. I bet you a carton of
cigarettes Mr. Cruise is the man who set up the deal to kill your wife.”
“But why?” I asked.
“That’s what we need to find out,” said
Skippy.
“So what are you proposing we do?”
“We have to get you close to the enemy.
You’ll need to disguise yourself, go undercover. Then, when you have Tom
Cruise’s most confidence, you strike.”
“Right,” I said, “easier said than done.”
“Hey, I can get you in with a wire by this
time next week, and if you can blow the hatch on these crazy fanatics in a few
days, I can have commandoes crawling the premises with
semi-automatics taking down anything that moves. You’ll have your vengeance.”
“But remember, Cruise is mine.”
“You in?” Skippy asked me.
“Let me think about it,” I said.
I left the school and headed to St. Larry’s
to meditate. I needed quiet and the all-night chapel there was peaceful and
calm. I stared up at the cross, a symbol that used to mean so much to me.
“Where did you and I go wrong, God?” I
asked. “I thought I was doing your dirty work down here, taking all of your
sinners. I thought I was fighting for the country you blessed. But I see now
you don’t bless anything. Our being down here’s our own damn fault. Well, fine.
Maybe I don’t need you anymore. You took from me the most beautiful thing I’ve
ever known. Now I’m a broken man. So I’m out for my revenge and payback, Lord.
Be expecting company.”
With that, I tied a black bandanna around my
head, took off my jacket to reveal a bloodsoaked tank
top, ammo, and a hunting knife. I also had a huge machine gun. The image of me
decked out in weapons really didn’t serve any purpose, but I bet it made quite
an impression up in Heaven.
A week later, my blond hair was dyed black,
and I was driving my new silver BMW convertible towards
When I got to the convention center, there
were angry protesters yelling against the Church, saying who-knows-what about
them. Tom Cruise stood at a podium giving a speech that fell on deaf ears.
“Scientology is about peaceful coexistence,”
he said into microphone interference. I decided now was the perfect time to
step in.
I fired a shot from my double-barrel. The
crowd went quiet.
“Last I heard, this was
An old lady stepped forward and said, “These
people are bringers of evil!”
I pointed the gun at the lady, everyone gasped.
“Good, evil, I’m the guy with the gun, and I say let the man do what he
pleases. You don’t like it Grandma? Go back to the Great Depression and tell a
hobo about it; see if he gives a damn.” I looked up. “And as for all you
Bible-raping, closet-homosexual, constitution-burning hypocrites go, I want to
first take this opportunity to thank you for taking the fun out of
first-person-shooters, and secondly tell you to get the hell out of my life and
die in a cold, dark place.”
Everyone just looked at me as if I said
something not of this Earth.
“What, are you all stupid? Here, let me put
it in simpler terms: I have a freakin’ gun! Run for
your lives!”
That started the panic. Everyone ran in
every direction. All except Tom Cruise, who never took his eyes off me. He had a sinister toothy smile on his face. I could tell
my performance had made an impression.
He approached me after the masses had either
gone home or been repeatedly sprayed with mace.
“That was some ballsy stuff you did,” he
said.
“Well, I’m no Science-ologist,
but I sure do like your movies.”
Cruise laughed a big laugh. “It’s
‘Scientologist,’ and thank you about the movies. Which one is your favorite?”
“You know… the one with the kids.”
“You mean ‘War of the Worlds?’”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gosh thanks, you know I take such flack for
that one, it’s great to hear someone actually liking that one.”
“Well, it’s like you said in that other
film… uh, ‘If you can’t, uh,…’”
“‘In this life, it's not what you hope for,
it's not what you deserve - it's what you take!’ Gosh I know!”
“Geez, it’s like
you read my mind,” I said, having know idea what he was talking about.
“Look,” said Mr. Cruise, “I’m in need of a
bodyguard and you just impressed the heck out of me! What do you say?”
A small smile curled on the side of my
mouth. “I think I could do that,” I said.
“Good,” he said with a toothy grin. “Now
come inside. I have a speech to give. You can stay backstage if you like.”
The event hall was filled with hundreds of
people all waiting to receive Tom Cruise’s message. I stayed behind the curtain
and looked for a quiet place to send a message to Skippy.
Then the lights went down, and the curtain
went up, revealing hundreds of television monitors that all had the solitary
image of Tom Cruise clad in angelic white in the center of the stage standing
at a clear podium.
“Thetans! Hear me!” he said, arms outstretched. “I am
your leader, and I feel the power of Xenu!”
The crowd erupted in joyous cheer.
“The turmoil that was known as Johnny
Terrace is for now put to rest, but he is not gone forever, my loyal thetans. Which is why our plan must move
forward! Punella is coming! The lizard will
awaken! Yay, though I’ve seen the stars and the
planets align, and the Psychlos have danced their
wicked dance, I’ve seen their energy pull down from the great eye… the lizard
god Punella must rise! Rise, and give birth to her
young to feast on the aberrations! Are you with me thetans!”
The crowd cheered again. I’d decided I’d
heard enough. I moved back into a restroom and pulled out my comm link to Skippy.
“Johnny to Skippy, you there ol’ buddy?”
I said quietly. I was met with static. “Skippy, it’s me, Johnny, you there?”
But there was no answer.
Then the door to the bathroom burst open and
two guards grabbed me and pulled me out onto the stage.
“We found him trying to contact someone,”
said a guard to Tom Cruise.
Cruise turned to the crowd and said, “Thank
you, thetans, I will view your prayer requests later. Right now I have
other business to attend to.”
The Scientologists filed out silently. The
whole time my eyes were locked onto Cruise. I wanted to take him down right
then and there. All I had to do was make my move.
Hard to Get
The guards were easy. I simply hooked my
left leg around the leg of the guard to my left, underhooked
the left arm of the guard to my right, and brought their heads together.
Tom Cruise held an extended steel baton
ready in his hand. I grabbed a stun gun from one of the guards that was almost
as long as the baton. Cruise immediately attacked with a swift offense. Somehow
he managed to twirl the stun gun around and make it zap me. I let go of the
stun gun and Cruise grabbed it, now holding two weapons, me holding none.
He charged forward with a high twirling
attack with the baton. I caught his wrist, then caught the other and twisted
both. He dropped both weapons, but forced both feet into my chest knocking us
both on either side of the stage.
I kipped up and did a spinning roundhouse to
Cruise’s face. Cruise blocked and slammed a palm in my thigh that hurt to the
bone. I was sent on my back. Now Cruise jumped on me and began punching me
repeatedly. I kneed him in the chest and rolled him off of me.
We both stood up and went for a punch that
was blocked by our own closed fists. Cruise went for another punch but I caught
it and punched him hard in the face, then palmed him in the chest, sending him
flying into the television monitors, which sent sparks flying and glass
breaking.
I decided this was my time to make a break
for it. I exited stage left, but could hear Cruise’s cry of “Get him!” chasing
after me.
I quickly found my BMW convertible and
hopped in, turning the ignition and getting the hell out of there. I merged
onto the highway, but the Scientology Police were hot on my tail. Everyone
started moving to the right and left when they heard the sirens, making it hard
to navigate. One of the Scientology Police cars crashed. Good riddance.
I heard gunfire and knew it was directed at
me. I turned sharply into an exit into the city. Two more cars crashed into the
wall behind me. I guess the turn was too sharp for their crummy little cars.
I came upon my first city block into a
barricade of Scientology Police cars blocking the road. I swerved left right
into a jewelry store and drove straight through the building, shattering my
windshield and banging up my precious car pretty badly. Debris and rubble came
down around me, but I only collected a few scrapes and bruises.
Finally I’m back on the road, but the
Scientology Police are still on my ass. I got out the gun from my glove
compartment and began firing. I took out one of the front tires of a Police car
and it flipped over and crashed into another car, but the third one moved
around the wreckage and kept coming at me.
About this time I looked up in the air and
saw a helicopter following me. I saw someone on the helicopter with a rocket
launcher.
“Uh-oh,” I said, and swerved the car,
slamming the breaks and jumping from the car, just as the missile hit my
precious convertible and blew it to pieces.
I landed on the pavement a bloody mess and
out of bullets. I slowly made my way to my feet. My shoulder was dislocated and
I was going to need stitches in my right eyebrow.
I was barely standing, my t-shirt soaked in
blood, my face a bloody mess, and my spirit just about broken. Two officers
stepped out of their cars and pointed their guns at me. I began to walk
forward. They began to fire. I think I took about five hits before I went down.
Everything went black. I saw Charla again.
The Man on the Beach
I’m laying on a
beach, listening to the waves, feeling the salt water in my wounds, but not
quite connecting with the pain. I see an old Oriental man with a wooden staff
and long gray hair standing over me. I’m wondering, is this God?
I heard him speak, “jInaSchu'
vaj.” It was Klingon. “A
vicious warrior.”
Darkness crept over me, and I slipped into a
vast nightmare, where toothy grins and insane religious beliefs were
everywhere.
Then I awoke. I was in a bed in a house.
There was a calligraphy painting in Cantonese on the wall facing my bed that
read, “Peaceful Dreams.” The old Oriental man sat in the corner mixing
something in a bowl. On a table beside him lay a dead scorpion, some tea
leaves, and a kettle of water. He poured the water into the bowl and I saw
steam rise up. Then he mixed whatever was in the bowl with the pestle, pounding
everything together.
Once he seemed satisfied he came over to me
and held the mortar bowl up to my lips. I drank the tea. It tasted like piss,
but I knew it would be good for me. The old man put the mortar down and laid a
hand on my chest, then patted my chest twice.
The next day I felt worlds better. I got out
of bed and went into the living room, where I saw a number of weapons,
including a number of samurai swords. The old man came in from the kitchen and
said something I didn’t recognize, then he handed me a bowl of rice, which I
ate as if it were the only food I’d ever had.
He handed me some garments and signaled for
me to wear them. They were traditional Oriental fighting robes.
“Are we training today?” I asked. The old
man nodded.
I put on the robes and we stood barefoot on
the beach in a fighting stance.
“ghob!”
he shouted in Klingon, and we began to battle.
I attacked with two punches, which the old
man blocked. He then kicked me in the ribs, but I stayed standing. I went for a
chop, he blocked by grabbing my hand, then twisted,
sending me down.
“luj,”
he said in Klingon, indicating I had lost.
We stood back up.
“ghob!”
he shouted.
We fought again, and again, and again. That
night my ribs, my back, and my legs were in pain, but I knew it was all for the
best. We sat down and the old man gave me a bowl of noodles and rice with
chopsticks. He sat down across from me.
“Thank you,” I said. “maj.”
The old man nodded.
I ate for a minute. The noodles were bland,
but I was so hungry that they tasted like the finest steak.
“You’re probably wondering why I need to
fight,” I said.
“bortaS
DIb,” said the old man.
“Yeah,” I said. “Vengeance.”
We continued to eat.
The next day I awoke to the old man punching
me in the ribs. I rolled out of bed and wheezed, then slowly stood up. The old
man smiled and unsheathed a samurai sword.
“batleth,”
he said.
“Great,” I said. “Toys.”
We practiced with swords until sundown, then the next day we ran on the beach until my legs couldn’t
carry me. Then, over the next week I practiced stealth and the art of
disappearing.
Then, one day, the old man sat in the middle
of the living room, legs crossed, and didn’t move.
“What are we doing today?” I asked.
No response. He sat there with his eyes
closed.
“Sensei?” I said.
Nothing.
Finally, I decided to sit down and meditate
with him. I sat there for what felt like days. My mind and spirit became one. I
became whole. My body was focused and ready to be used. The image of Tom Cruise
was burned into my head.
I felt something fall at my feet. It was a
newspaper clipping from the “Los Angeles Press.” The headline
read, “Tom Cruise to unveil new
I looked up at the old man. He was smiling
ear to ear. “Heghlu’meH QaQ
jajvam!” he said. Today is a good day to die.
“I won’t let you down, sensei,” I said.
I put my ragged white t-shirt back on along
with my black pants. Then I got a black robe and put it on over these. I took a
bow and arrows from the old man’s den and the samurai sword he gave me. Just as
I was walking out, the old man approached me.
“majQa’”
he said, and handed me a necklace with a pendant with the seal of Kahless on it.
I smiled and put it around my neck. “I will
not dishonor you, sensei.”
He smiled and nodded. I left the old man’s
house. It was time to teach Tom Cruise a lesson… in vengeance.
Lesson in Vengeance
Tom Cruise stood at the podium in the pulpit
of the giant domed sanctuary of the new
“Thetans hear me! Punella is nigh! We must prepare for the lizard king to
arise and bless us all!”
The guard by the fountain made no sound as I
slit his throat.
Tom Cruise blathered on, “Last night, our
holy leader, L. Ron Hubbard, appeared to me in a dream. He told me that I was
the chosen one. He said that there would be holy serenity for anyone who would
follow me to this illustrious sanctuary that I have built in his name!”
Two guards in the bell tower with
searchlights soon had arrows in them.
“And he shall rise among us once again in
the form of Punella, and we will ride on his back in
the wonderful light of his being! And it will all be thanks to me!”
An arrow hit the centerpiece on the podium
and stuck there. All eyes turned to the back of the room… to me. I stood with a
flaming arrow ready, aiming right at Cruise’s head.
“This one’s for Charla,”
I said, and let go.
Cruise moved out of the way just in time, as
the arrow hit a curtain behind him, which burst into flames.
“It’s Terrace!” shouted Cruise. “Kill him!”
In that second, everyone started screaming
and running for the exit. All except for Tom Cruise and the guards, who seized
the guns and began firing at me. I jumped under a bench and rolled to the front
of the sanctuary, where Cruise and his men were. I chopped off the foot of one
of the guards, then seized his machine gun.
I stood up and fired at the guards, who
found cover. I noticed Cruise grabbing a sword and running. I decided to pursue
him. I took a grenade from the fallen guard and took out the pin, then threw it
and ran the hell out of there, the explosion thundering behind me.
I followed Tom Cruise up the stairs and onto
the glass dome of the Sanctuary, where he was waiting, sword drawn.
“I’ve killed you twice now, but like a
cockroach you keep coming back. Maybe I should just cut off your head myself
and burn your body to a crisp.”
“I used to be a man of honor and dignity,” I
said. “But then you took away the only thing in this world that ever really
meant something to me. I wish I could share with you the amount of pain you
have given me. Instead, I’ll just have to kill you and hope that the nightmares
go away.”
I attacked with a high swipe which Cruise
blocked. He brought my blade down and punched me twice in the face. I broke the
connection and went for another attack, then another. Cruise was too fast. He
went for an attack, then stepped back.
“Your skills with a blade are exceptional,”
he said.
“As are yours,” I said.
“Then let’s cut this sword crap and fight
man to man.”
“No tricks,” I said.
“Tricks are half the fun,” said Cruise.
We threw down our swords, then
circled each other slowly.
“I think I can beat you with my Perched Dragon
stance,” said Cruise. “Which stance will you use?”
“The I Will End You stance,” I said.
“I don’t know that one,” said Cruise.
“Here,” I said, “let me teach you.”
I punched him in the jaw, blocked a kick to
the ribs, kicked him in the crotch, pounded him in the back repeatedly, then
picked him up and threw him down on the glass. Blood dripped out of Cruise’s
forehead. He coughed, probably from the pain, but he may have been catching
something.
I picked him up by the hair and slammed his
head into the glass. Then I punched the back of his head twice. The thick layer
of glass was breaking under him, but it was thick enough that it would still
support us.
I turned him over and drove my knee into his
stomach, causing him to cough up blood, then I punched
him in the jaw again, and again. My rage was flowing out and I could feel my
vengeance being fulfilled. I punched him left and right in the ribs until I
felt them break. Then I stopped for a minute to catch my breath. Cruise lay beside me a bloody, bruised, swollen mess.
I sat him up, got behind him, and put him in
the headlock.
“You killed my wife. You picked a fight with
me and now you’re going to pay for it with your life. I’ll see you in hell,
Cruise.”
I snapped his neck.
Then something weird happened. Cruise
laughed. His high voice mutated into a deep, sinister one. His body began to
transform. I stepped back.
“Behold!” he said. “I am Punella!
Lizard King!”
“Uh-oh,” I said.
Hatching from Cruise as if his body were a
shell came a giant iguana, almost twenty feet high. It
seemed to grow as it hatched, as if it were in fast-motion like in movies about
flowers or something. Then the iguana looked at me. I began to run for it, but
the iguana’s massive hand came down and smashed the glass, sending me falling a
few stories to the floor of the sanctuary.
Right then I started looking for one of the
weapons they had stashed there, but I had already blown them all up. Then I
looked down and saw that my samurai sword had fallen through the glass. I
picked it up and looked upwards at Punella.
“Come down here you giant son of a bitch!
Face me like a… lizard.”
“Oh, but I’m through with you,” said Punella in his loud, sinister voice. “I’m going to unleash
my terror on
And with that, Punella
crawled off the dome and headed into the city. I raced out of the sanctuary
with my samurai sword and hopped into a Jeep. It took me a few fatal seconds to
hotwire the thing, but I got it moving.
I went toward the city, which was already
erupting in chaos. Punella was very much alive now,
and it was all my fault. I knew that only I could make
this right.
I drove toward the most important part of
LA, the Hollywood sign. This would be where Punella
would strike first.
I made it in time to find a squad of police
cars outside the
I walked up to the captain, a black guy who
greeted me nicely.
“What the hell are you doing here?” he said.
“Look, I’m Johnny Terrace, I’m the thing’s
arch nemesis, I have to kill it or else it’ll eat the whole sign!”
“Look pal, I’m already
having to deal with living in Ollywood, I
don’t want your life on my conscience.”
“It won’t be. Trust me,
I’m a former Navy SEAL.”
“Alright,” he said. “You’ve got a few
minutes, after that we’re gonna start clubbing it.”
“Things really don’t change around here, do
they?” I asked.
“Hey, it’s what we know, now good luck,
son,” said the police captain.
I took off toward Punella
like a bat out of Hell. Right when he saw me, however, Punella
put down the H and picked me up in his scaly claw and swallowed me whole.
“That does it,” said the captain. “Alright,
commence beating!”
The police guards began to run in,
nightsticks at the ready, but suddenly something stirred in Punella.
A sword emerged from his chest, then I exploded from his body, a dripping,
bloody mess. Punella fell lifeless onto the ground, a
withered, dead body.
I stood up and straightened my hair as the
police officers all clapped and cheered for me. The captain came up to me and
shook my hand.
“Well done, son,” he said. “Well done.”
“Thanks,” I said. I turned around and looked
at the corpse of my old nemesis. It was as though a huge chapter of my life was
finally over. I was able to move on. I had avenged Charla,
and now I could be a man again.
It was time to go home.
Epilogue
“I was thinking I could have my old job
back,” I said to Carl Murphy the next Monday at school.
“Your room’s ready for you. You can have it
when you want it.”
“Great,” I said.
“Johnny,” said Carl, “you did real good. Charla would be very proud.”
“I think she is,” I said.
I walked out of his office wearing my nice
tan suit and carrying my black briefcase. Doris Heller was out there powdering
her nose.
“Oh hey Johnny,” she said.
“Hey
“Um, if you’re not doing anything later, I
was wondering if you wouldn’t mind taking me to dinner?”
I smiled. “Why not?”
“Great!” she said. “I’ll see you at six?”
“You got it,” I said. “But for now, I’ve got
a class to teach.”
I walked into my classroom full of kids
ready to learn. I pointed to Joey at the back of the class.
“Joey, can you tell me what a lesbian is?” I
asked. It was good to be back.
About the Author
Nick “Captain Fun” Varnau is the
editor-in-chief for “Hollywood Blockbusters Weekly,” a free online newsletter
for movie reviews. He has also written numerous short stories and essays. He
also owns the independent production company Stickboy
Productions. To subscribe to “Hollywood Blockbusters Weekly,” email hollywoodblockbusters-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
and to email Nick, email Stickboyprez@indy.rr.com.
Coming Soon:
Amazon Jihad:
War Cry
A new novella by Captain Fun
Coming Soon!