Sex and Candy Bars

Öbut not in that order

An all-new essay by Captain Fun (aka Nick Varnau)


Candy bars. Theyíre one of manís greatest inventions. They wake you up, energize you, or even get you going. If you didnít realize all three of those things were the same, grab a candy bar, they also make you more aware. But is there something else behind candy bars? SomethingÖ sensual?

Candy bars were invented back in the days where people still thought long white wigs were fashionable. They would sit around coffee tables smoking tobacco, saying, ďI say, Elsington, why isnít there a better way to eat toffee?Ē

And then Elsington, who didnít realize he had such a gay name, would say, ďBy Jove, I think youíre onto something Purvis! To the laboratory!Ē

And so Purvis (whose name was also-though-not-as-equally gay) and Elsington would trot off to a small room where they would try to invent things. But since Ben Franklin had not yet invented electricity, they were up a certain creek without a paddle. So they made chocolate instead. Is it the ending I was hoping for? Not really, but itís the way it happened and as an investigative journalist (thank you ďHiLiteĒ training!) I have to report the facts.

After a few hundred years and a few minor adjustments in human evolution (men finally got testicles), other varieties of candy bars came along. We had Snickers, Pay Day, Mr. Goodbar, Kit Kat, 3 Musketeers, the list is endless. Children rejoiced, parents protested, the world was a better place.

But the king of all candy bars is definitely Butterfinger. The reason is simple. Butterfinger is the only candy bar that takes almost an eternity to eat. For instance, you may start eating a Butterfinger at age nine, and by around 87, you will have finally picked the rest of the inner gunkô out of your teeth. Itís the LSD of candy bars, the one that no matter what, always sticks with you.

Which is why I have to talk about sex. I realize my segue isnít exactly graceful, but hear me out. Sex and candy (like the song) go well together. At least, innuendo and candy go well together. Of course, anything and innuendo go well together, but Iíll get to that in a minute.

See, when youíre eating a really good candy bar, itís the equivalent of masturbation. Think about it, candy isnít good for you anyway. Youíre eating it for your own pleasure. Now, think about the first bite of your favorite candy, or your first lick of your favorite ice cream. Think of the way it makes your mouth feel. What is candy if not masturbation for the mouth?

Not only this, but thereís a study out there (somewhere) that states that chocolate enhances someoneís sex drive. This is why chocolate milk needs to be withdrawn from junior highs across the nation immediately.

So if sex is everywhere, so is candy, and perhaps neither is a good thing for humans to be exposed to a lot of. Then again, without the sweet things in life, what is there to make us happy? Iím in the mood for a Butterfinger.

Captain Fun is really Nick Varnau. Email: