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Episode 1: Ted introduces the band

Hey dudes. This is the first installment of my diary of my band and our rise to domination...erm...I mean fame...yeah...fame. Anyway, to kick things off I am going to introduce you to the members of Soggy Bizkit and tell you a bit about each of them. Right...to start. ME! As you know i am Ted, did i tell you that Fred Durst was my cousin?! I am the voice of Soggy Bizkit. Im 23 years old and was born in Scunthorpe. My mother and father are Roger and Maud and were the ones who really inspired me to enter the music industry...How you ask?! Well I dont know...they just did. I have a brother called Tom who is currently in prison for breaking into a zoo and trying to eat a Penguin to see if they tasted like the chocolate biscuit. I am single at the moment, in fact ive always been single but any ladies who wanna live the rock lifestyle, let me know. My hobbies include, my band and making plastic aeroplanes and trucks. It takes skill!!!

This is Hank but everyone calls him Looney due to his background. Hank is the drummer in the band. He is 22 but spend 8 years in a loonatic asylem after being certified insane (This is where he took up drumming and found he had a talent for it). I have know him forever but I still think he is a bit funny. He has assured me though that the voices have stopped and he no longer has the desire to kill Graham, the voice over man from Blind Date. Cilla Black has repeatedly filed complaints of harrassement against Hank and quoted in court "He's mad, he said I would never be free of him until I gave him Graham's address, and when I refuse, a frogs head always appears on my pillow the following morning" As there was never any evidence found of harrassement or fingerprints on the frogs, Hank was never convicted. He has never spoken of his parents or any siblings and when you ask him about them he will tell you he was brought up by hedgehogs in the local park. Hanks hobbies include pondlife and visiting the hedgehogs in the park, although he keeps getting kicked out for stripping off and scurrying arround in the bushes with nothing but his spined tank top on. Oh yeah, and of course the band.

Now I would like to introduce you to the only female member of the band, although we are all a bit suspicious of Frank (more on him below). This is Pinkey. No-one knows her real name or even how she got the nickname. It will remane a mistery forever. Pinkey is 20 and the youngest member of Soggy Bizkit. She was brought up in Millwall, London so the rest of us are very scared of her. Pinkey is the guitarist in the band. We met her on a nite out in London and I was telling her about Fred Durst being my cousin and how i was in a band and looking for a guitarist. Her parents are Redy and Bluey but like Pinkey nobody knows their real names or how they got their nicknames. Pinkeys hobbies include dying her hair, alcohol, Millwall FC and the band.

Last but not least is Frank. He is 22 and is the band's bass guitarist. I first met Frank in a strip club in Amsterdam. He was on his own and I was with Looney. We got talking around the bar while Hank was dishing out the fivers to the strippers. The bar staff seemed to know Frank very well, he said it was because he used to work there but when i asked what i did he clammed up and changed the subject. Anyway I told him that I was Fred Durst's cousin how i wanted to start a band. He told me that he used to play bass for a band but they flopped. Apparently they used to back some bloke called Rick Astley...never hear of him. As we left the strip club...I think it was called the Ladyboy Club. Hank said he had copped off with one of the strippers so was heading back to the hotel. I think she must have been a minger because in the morning he wouldnt talk about it and kept being sick. Anyway...back to Frank. We agreed that he would come home with us and join the band. I dont really know much about him appart from him working in the Ladyboy Club. His hobbies include shopping, make-up and girlie chats with Pinkey.

Look out for the next thrilling installment of my band diary where we will be doing our first proper gig. You will be able to read about the practicing and build up to the gig and what happens on perhaps the first stepping stone in our rise to power.