| Journal |
| 05/23/02: I'm not quite sure why I decided to start a journal now. It's been 19 months since I lost Julie, but I'm still constantly thinking about her, so I might as well begin to write down my thoughts. I miss her always, I think about her every hour of every day. The emptyness still surrounds every waking moment of my life, it envades my sleep and my ability to accomplish everything I do. Most journals stop shortly after the event happens, so I thought it might be important for others just starting this journey to know what happens in the months and years to come. Let me tell you what's happened since our loss took place. A few months after I lost Julie, I found a wonderful website and online support group (Pain-Heartache-Hope). It became my life saver, my backbone, and my strength. Talking with other woman who know what your going through, is to me the only way to get actual support. Friends and family memebers try to lend support, but they can not truly understand what your going through. I particapated in many activities trying to raise awareness on Pregnancy and Infant loss. My state, California, passed a proclamation making October 15th "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day" Matt, my husband, was very supportive of everything I was trying to do, but 9 months after Julie was born, he decided he wanted a divorce. It should be final next month. So here I am 25 years old, divorced, and the mother of a dead child. I'm not sure where my life went wrong. I'm trying to pull the pieces together. I got a job on my own, after I had not been working since Julie was born. I got an apartment with a roommate, so at least I'm not leaving at home. I'm doing pretty well actually. The desire to have another baby is, to say the least, overwhelming. It's all I can think about, but I'm having to start over my entire life. Matt and I were together for 8 years, since I was 16, so I'm not quite sure where to start. I think the divorce has made the grief process longer in my case, but the saddness that comes from it pales in comparison to losing your child. 06/30/02: Well I finally got my "Julie Tattoo" It's on my lower back. When I get my scanner working again I'll put a picture up. I found a necklace that I've been looking for for a very long time. It's an angel birthstone kid necklace. I think every angel mom should get one, because everyone knows those necklaces mean you have a child, and I want everyone to know that, yes, I am a mom. Matt and I should be offically divorced tomarrow! Not quite sure how to feel about that :( I found out he has had girlfriend since I left. I was told he was cheating, but he claims he didn't, so......... I knew the girl too. She knew about Julie and everything. She even saw her pictures. Why do people do things like that, no compasision left in the world anymore. But like I said before, the divorce is all kind of like a dream to me. It's overpowered by the loss of Julie, all the emotions I have about the divorce are kind of washed out in comparison. He said he never ment to hurt me, how can I belive that when he has handled things so uncompassionalty. He probably go on and have another baby and never tell it about Julie. I think that is what upsets me the most about the whole thing. I doesn't seem fair that he will probably have a baby before me. He never even held Julie, just barely touched her hand. I miss my baby............. 07/21/02: I finally got my scanner up again (thank you Derek!) So I can share my Julie tattoo with all of you. I got it on April 21st, 2002. Exactly 3 months ago today. I've been doing pretty well this month. I joined a new group of women who paint memory boxes for beareved parents. I recived one of these boxes when I had Julie. They brought me the outfit she was wearing back in it. So I thought it would be nice to give something back and start painting boxes myself. I started my first one, it's almost done actually. It's painted blue like the night sky, with a big cresent moon and an angel sitting on a cloud, on the lid. I think that all the boxes I paint will have the theme of a moon on it in memory of my little "Moonunit". I can't wait till I send it off to the hospital. I've found new joy in helping others in my situation. 07/15/04: Well it hardly seems two years has past since I've typed here. I'll start by saying I still miss my baby ever so much. So much has happened in the past two years. I've gotten remarried to Derek, a wonderful man who's helped me through so much of this. We started trying to have a baby right away. We had a difficult time which was odd since Julie was not planned. I went through a multitude of tests. I was thought to be diabetic and have PCOS which neither seems to be the case. We got pregnant last summer only to have a misscarriage on 8/11/03. I was 7.5 weeks along with Baby Sorci. I believe in my heart that baby was too a girl. We tried again and got pregnant in Decemeber of 03' We found out on New years day 04'. I'm currently 31.6 weeks pregnant with Baby Jordan Christopher Sorci. He's due 9/10/04, but hopefully will be here sooner. They are not letting me go over due at all this time just because of what happened with Julie. I switched doctors to the doctor that actully delivered Julie. Not because I think it was my doctors fault, just because after two losses I was ready for a change. I have had quite a bit of anxiety with this pregnancy as could be expected. When we found out Jordan was a boy, that was a bit of a shock as well. I'm not dissapointed, it's just the fact that for the past 4 years I've been raising MY Daughter in m y head. Now a boy comes along and I don't know what to do with myself. His room is in Moon and Stars Theme and he and Julie are both J.C. initials. I hope for Jordan a lifetime of happiness...I hope I'm not too over protective of him and drive him crazy. I still can't beleive I'm having a baby. It doesn't feel real, I don't think it will until he is in my arms screaming his head off. I can't help but to plan in my head another funeral and think of all the things I will do "this time" if it happens again. I know that sounds morbid, but death is the only out come of pregnancy that I know. I'm getting scared, what's easier taking care of a dead baby or a live baby. I'm scared death is all I know. I did not want to have a baby shower this time until he was here, but I relized that is not going to "curse" anything. Jordan deserves all that I did for Julie. I take pictures of my belly and save all the pregnancy momentos. He deserves a shower of his own. He deserves to be celebrated. He deserves not to be compared to a dead baby. He deserves a life of happiness not fear. This is what I hope to give Jordan, from his big sister Julie...... 10/21/04: It's almost your 4th Birthday. We are going saturday to have you a little party. It will be Jordan's first time visiting you. When he is bigger he will know all about his big Sister. I'll let him pick you out a present every year on your birthday. I wish you were here so you could grow up together. Although people probably would not believe you were brother and sister because you both look so different :) We were totally surprised your brother has red hair :) I miss you baby girl. |