JOMDee

Journey Out Of Mormonism- Dez

I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in 1991, less than a month after my stillborn daughter was born. I had questions, I was devastated, and I was an easy target for LDS missionaries. Prior to Christina's death, I managed to avoid them, to the best of my ability.

I spent my first 4 years as a member in a large ward in Illinois. I wasn't very committed at first and didn't go to every function at the church. You know what? Very few sisters or brothers came to see about me. I can't remember anyone coming but the missionaries. Toward the end of 1993 I finally committed myself whole- heartedly and even got my first calling. Then, in mid 1995, I left my first husband who was not LDS. I had hopes and dreams of moving to a new place and finding myself a wonderful Mormon man. I moved and ended up in a very very small branch, still in Illinois. Immediately my small family was pounced on. I was called to be the Primary President. I became important. With my background of low self esteem, low confidence, and depression, this was just what I needed. This branch quickly became my family, my best friends, my life. AND, the more I read the Book of Mormon, the more I went to church, the more active I became, the more convinced I became I was doing THE RIGHT THING. I met the love of my life, my husband, in late 1995 and married him in 1996. He, too, is not LDS. He never opposed my committment to the church, he never stood in my way, but he never would commit to missionary lessons nor would he be baptized. Thank God for "Unanswered Prayers".

-----Early in 2000------In January I receive my first temple recommend. I walked out of the church, proud as a peacock and feeling like I have just conquered the world. I have a recommend!!! Now I can go to the temple!!!! In April I plan to go to the temple. I have taken the 6 week temple prep class and with all kinds of encourage- ment, I am ready to go. The Monday before I go, a friend of mine in my former ward calls me, out of the blue. I haven't talked with her in quite a while. I excitedly tell her "Guess what? I am going to the temple on Saturday." She tells me "I have left the Mormon Church Dee. I now attend a Christian Church." She proceeds to tell me things about why she has left, what she has learned, and what goes on in the temple. I will tell you this, she scared the crap out of me. I decide in a matter of minutes "I am not going to be a part of this. This is outrageous. I want nothing to do with a church that does this. " I email a sister in the branch and tell her "I am not coming back!" My first impression was that this is Satan's church, it isn't of God.

My husband goes away for a few weeks in May and June of 2000. At this time, I am being "convinced" that what I was told was all lies and misconceptions. I am met with such love and desire to lead me the "right" direction, that I am overwelmed and soon concede that it was all "anti-mormon" with Satan trying to lead me astray. I dive in deeper, become more committed, more dedicated. After all, this church family of mine has done so much for me. I have grown so much. After all that they have done for me, how could I think that they were not of God? They are only trying to help me be a better person. In July and August, all of a sudden the drive and encouragement to get me to the temple, begins again. Everyone is telling me "You have to get to the temple and get your endowments! What can we do to help you get to the temple? We have to get you there!" The date gets set, it's in the first week of September.

I start worrying..."How am I going to afford this trip? Who is going to watch my children? Will my husband let me go?" At the same time, the "anti-mormon" speeches from my non LDS friends, start again. I ignore them and close my mind and harden my heart. "I am not going to fall for this again. This time I am going to go, one way or another." But deep in my heart, I am scared. What am I getting myself into?"

The day comes and while I am waiting for my ride, I am having second thoughts. I am so scared. What am I getting myself into? Will I come home alive? (YES I THOUGHT THIS!) We leave early. It is a nice trip and my companion is truly a generous and kind person. She is one really nice lady. It is a long trip, but we get there. We go into a store and I buy my temple garments. Then we head on to the St. Louis Temple.

"This reminds me of a pajama party." "Look at these costumes!" "Do they realize how ridiculous they look?" "What is the purpose of all of this?" "Does God really require these rituals to get into heaven?" "There sure are some pretty and beautiful pictures in this movie." "The hats on the men remind me of Picasso." "This hat on me reminds me of Little House on the Prairie bonnets." "There is no way my husband would put on this gettup." "Oh am I hot and itchy!"

I also realized while in the temple, that I had no chance of being with my family in the Mormon heavens. First of all, those women who are worthy to be in the celestial kingdom but aren't sealed to a husband in a temple for all time and eternity, are destined to be SERVANTS. They will be servants to those who have achieved a temple sealed marriage! And...my husband and children can never be acknowledged as my own family if we are not sealed for all time and eternity. Also, speaking of my children, if I ever did achieve the temple sealed marriage with my husband, I will have to choose between my children...you see, I have two by a previous marriage!!!

But, for the time being, I am so awed and amazed and entranced by it all, that i am sucked right into the belief that "this is right". I was asked while in the Celestial room, by a lady who I hold in high regards, "Wasn't it all worth it? "The one" (name withheld) who told you all of that garbage, do you see now how she is so mislead?" "What do you think of the temple now that you are in it?" I could only reply "It sure is interesting!" I can honestly tell you (YOU who is reading this) that I didn't feel God, Jesus, or the Holy Ghost in this temple. I only felt a cold void, nothing! Sure it was beautiful, but I didn't have an earth changing moment, that's for sure. continued