Here's the second page of jokes and humorous bits about motorcycling and camping. If you have any good 'uns, send 'em to me! Newest jokes are at the top of the list and each new joke/bit begins in RED.
Use the link here or at the bottom of the page for motorycle humor on page one, page three, or page four.
What if Motorcycles were made by:
- If IBM made motorcycles...
- They would want one big bike that people can ride if they first submit (for overnight processing) a request to use the resources. Thousands of other users could use the bike at the same time due to its ability to efficiently schedule use of the major components. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe, six motorcycles.
- If Radio Shack made motorcycles...
- The staff would sell you a bike but do not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own bike!
- If Oracle made bikes...
- They'd claim their motorcycle was compatible with all types and styles of riders, but when you got it home you'd discover the Cruising Engine was still in development, the Short Rider's Support Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole thing was just blowing smoke (Hey! Like an old Harley!).
- If Sun Microsystems made motorcycles...
- The oil would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
- Does DEC still make bikes?...
- They made good motorcycles in the '80s, didn't they?
- If Hewlett-Packard made motorcycles...
- They would market the Reverse Polish Gear Shift Procedure, which requires the driver to shift gears with his right hand, engage the clutch with his left foot, brake with left hand and right foot.
- If Cray made motorcycles...
- They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other motorcycle in the world.
- If Sony made motorcycles...
- The BikeMan, which would be barely larger than a skateboard, can be conveniently attached to your belt (whether you're using it or not).
- If Price Club/CostCo made motorcycles...
- They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
- And, of course: if Microsoft made motorcycles...
- Motorcycle '95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a pair of reinforced steel wheels), would offer a 'plug and drive' way to connect new add-ons to your bike (chrome, J&M radios, Widder electrics, etc. would all be easily added to your bike's operating system registry), take up 95% of the space in your garage, would claim to be the first bike that lets you control how how much fuel is mixed with air while the engine is running without knowing any special skills, and would secretly interrogate your other vehicles to find out who made them.
- Everyone would hate Microsoft motorcycles, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good add-ons from J&M, Big Bike, Show Chrome, Markland et al. only work with Microsoft motorcycles.
People who own Italian motorcycles don't really OWN the bikes, they just have the privilege of paying for their upkeep.
What's the difference between a good ol' huntin' dawg and yer old Harley? The dawg kin get into the pickup truck by hisself!
Father Tim Dempsey was making his rounds, visiting his parishoners by riding his OLD motorcycle to their homes, when his bike suddenly died, and coasted to a stop alongside the road.
Father Tim checked the fuel tank, the gas filter, the plugs, but could find nothing wrong. He stepped on the kick start, gave it his best effort, but no joy, the bike didn't fire. Gritting his teeth grimly, Father Tim gave it another valiant try, but again the bike failed to turn over.
About that time, a wee lad approached Father Tim and asked what he was doing. "Tryin' to start me bike, my son," the good Father replied, jumping on the crank once more, with no effect.
"My pa has an old bike like that," the kid offered. "If you want it to start, you have cuss at it while you're jumping up and down."
"Well, I'm a priest and I cannot cuss. Why, it's been so long since I was saved by Jesus, I do not even remember how to cuss," the priest said, smiling at the youth.
"Well," the kid said, turning to walk away, "just keep on trying to kick start that pig, and it'll come back to yah!"
Top Ten "Biker Pick-Up Lines" - As presented on the 02/22/96 broadcast of "LATE SHOW" with DAVID LETTERMAN - any of you "biker wannabes" should remember these, use them the next time you want to act like, or (BETTER YET!) impress a motorcycle rider (especially one with a long beard and pot belly - male or female).
- 10. "Excuse me, you wearing 'Windsong' by Prince Machabelli?"
- 9. "Come to the ballet often?"
- 8. "I've done it with both Harley and Davidson"
- 7. "Would you believe I left my Volvo at home?"
- 6. "I wouldn't mind being your biker lady friend"
- 5. "You ain't a cop, are you?"
- 4. "Yo, would you like to sit on my hog?"
- 3. "Ever made it with an overweight problem drinker?"
- 2. "You rev my love-o-meter"
- 1. "Are you as crazy about Streisand as I am?"
Why don't the British make computers?
They couldn't get them to stop leaking oil when sitting idle.
Top Ten Ways to LOSE 'Cool' Riding Points:
- You forget to take your Kryptonite lock off the wheel and attempt to drive away --- with a passenger --- one you are trying to impress with your superior riding skills.
- You wear out your boot soles because you keep your feet down at 10 mph.
- Repeated attempts to start your engine fail because you
forgot the engine cut off switch.
- Your passenger (the one you are still trying to impress) discovers the engine cut off switch first.
- Your wear a great leather jacket --- and shorts.
- You park your 800 pound touring motorcycle nose first ---
- You ride with your helmet unfastened.
- You remove your helmet --- before your glasses.
- You tell your passenger to get on first.
- You enter a sharp fast left turn with your sidestand down --- with a passenger (the one you are STILL trying to impress).
>Top Ten Ways to GAIN 'Cool' Riding Points
- You encourage your co-rider to learn how to ride.
- You have your best friend as a local police officer.
- You can ride anywhere without guilt.
- You get totally out of control --- and save it.
- You have more miles on your motorcycle than lights.
- You take the Experienced Rider Course every spring --- and
- Your tire walls are scuffed all the way to the tire rim and you didn't use a belt sander.
- Your IQ is larger than your helmet size.
- You have more miles on your motorcycle than your car.
- You don't own a car.
The nine types of customers at a motorcycle shop
- El Explicito - "I tried to start it, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn't, ya know?"
- Advantages: Provides interesting communication challenges.
- Disadvantages: So do chimps.
- Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
- Real Case: One user walked up to a certain shop with $58/hr shop rates and said, "I can't get it started!" The shop manager leaned back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said,
"Well, you've come to the right place." KA-CHIINNGG!!!!
- Mad Bomber - "Well, I changed the jets, cleaned the bowls, re-ported it, got some new aftermarket parts for here, and here, and here, and now it looks all weird."
- Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
- Disadvantages: Has a tendency to buy parts from Mongolia or Lower Slobobia.
- Symptoms: More than six hours spent fixing his bike for every hour riding it
- Real Case: One guy pushed his bike into the shop, complaining that his newly-installed fuel system was strangling his engine. Found he'd put packing into the filter bowl, instead of the actual filter.
- Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "I didn't have a stock widget, so I used these metal pieces I found in the bottom of my tool box and McGyverred them to fit."
- Advantages: Will usually fix error.
- Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
- Symptoms: A tendency to use whatever is closest, at the time, to substitute for OEM parts (and don't even ASK me about specs).
- Real Case: One guy didn't have the right gasket, so he used cardboard and superglue instead. The dude said, "Well, that was the only way I could get it back together!"
- Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and Formalhaut was above the horizon, I jiggled the choke, hit the starter, and lo, it did start!"
- Advantages: Gives insight into primitive mythology.
- Disadvantages: Few bikers are anthropology majors.
- Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelevant objects.
- Real Case: One guy complained that his bike had problems starting if there was a heavy rain. Asked the mechanic to check the bike's starter system while another guy aimed a hose at both the mechanic and the bike, to simulate a heavy rain.
- X-user - "You know how much torque. . .um, power train, er, quite impressive, really."
- Advantages: Demands top of the line or cutting edge performance on some or all systems.
- Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the top of the line or cutting-edge motorcycle technology.
- Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness, occasional drool.
- Real Case: Guy (with a babe on his arm) regaled her about the awesome power of a Ninja and it's "overdrive" gear, capable of speeds above 140 mph.
- Miracle Worker - "But it turned over fine last weekend!" 'Sir, at a guess, this battery has been decomposing since last fall.'
- Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
- Disadvantages: People complain when scon actually use the word 'horse-puckey'.
- Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.
- Real Case: Battery with three empty cells, maybe a quarter inch of deposit in four cells, and five which will not hold a charge, and an owner who swears, SWEARS, that the battery cranked the bike fine until last weekend.
- Taskmaster - "I want to put my palm-top HP computer on my tank bag and run it off the AC adapter; I thought we (meaning the mechanic) might create a way for me to draw power off the battery. Then I can check my e-mail on long straight stretchs, with this cordless fax-modem "
- Advantages: Bold new challenges.
- Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
- Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendencies to make machines do things they don't want to do.
- Real Case: One guy wanted to put a 3 disk CD changer and play into his saddlebag - on a Honda ST1100 (and this was about 2 years before J&M came up with the tools to do this).
- Maestro - "Well, first I sat on the bike, like this. Then I moved the bike to the vertical position. Then I lifted the kickstand. Then I put the key into the ignition. Then I hit the starter button. But the bike sputters but won't start!"
- Advantages: Willing to show you, in exact detail, what they did that 'caused' the problem.
- Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
- Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."
- Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a lady rider's shoulder while she continuously tried to start a bike which, as it turns out, didn't have any gasoline in the "main", but had plenty when switched to "reserve".
- Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) "I need a Beemer like James Bond rode, and someone's got the last one in stock, like that reserved. Would you please garrote him and put him in the used oil can bin so I can get the bike?"
- Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
- Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on this planet.
- Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
- Real Case: One guy came into a Harley dealership, to order a bike like Brando rode in "The Wild One" (which, as we all know, was a Triumph from the UK), then indignantly refused to believe Brando didn't ride a Harley, nor that the bike was no longer produced ("I saw one just like it the other day!").
A truck driver was eating breakfast at a lunch counter, when a gang of motorcycle tough-guys entered the diner. One of the bikers put his finger into the truck driver's coffee and said, "Hmm, not very hot, is it?" A second biker put HIS finger into the scrambled eggs and said, "Hmm, not very fluffy, are they?" Without saying a word, the trucker arose, left his table, paid for his meal and went out the door of the diner.
"Wasn't much of a man, was he?", the gang leader laughed.
"He's no great shakes as a driver, neither", replied the waitress. "He done jist run over a bunch of them motorcycles on his way out of the lot!"
Guide to M/C Tools:
- HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
- MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.
- ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
- VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
- OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
- ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxy-acetylene torch.
- WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
- DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.
- WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me 'nother beer, Bubba!"
- HYDRAULIC BIKE JACK/PLATFORM: Ingeniously-designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop.
- EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike (see above).
- TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters (see above).
- PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack (see above).
- "SNAP-ON" GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
- E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
- TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
- TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor.
- CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
- BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
- HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
- AVIATION METAL CUTTERS: See hacksaw.
- TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
- PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
- AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and rounds them off.
Psst! Wanna see more? Check out page one, page three or page four.
Last Updated on 24 June, 1998. Send your submissions of motorcycle jokes to me, today!
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