I spend most my life learning to trust again and keep getting kicked in the ass for it. I feel sometimes like there is this driving force that wants me to just hide in this corner and shelter myself from the world. In a way part of me has already done this. My heart is not as it once was. I don't know what it is like to walk in this world without fear. To not see people as suspicious. To not question peoples motives. It has all been robbed from me. I cant get it back I am no fool. It is said to say I am merly a women who is 20 trying to survive. Cold wind on my back brings back bas memories. A song, a room, a feeling, a name. It doesnt even seem to matter anymore. Perhaps I have a sign on my back that everyone sees. "Ripe for the Picking" or some nonsence as that. Some phrase that lights up when predators are around. Oh, I am not talking just the recent event of New Years (see Lifestory in index page). It just seems I am fighting a loosing battle. I dont want to believe I was born to be a victim, In fact I have tried most my life to avoid it. I have done what they all say to do, wrote my feelings down and delt with my fears. How does one deal with the feeling though. This feeling will forever haunt me. There is no escape. I dont even know if a guy could cuddle with me while I am sleeping without me waking up afraid he will do something as I sleep. Pain is not the issue. It is all just the feeling I am never alone or safe. The dark alley is every where and there is no place to hide. Safty is just a memory.
For instance, if you help out a friend by listening to thier problems this could be to your advantage. #1 that friend will feel obligated to return the favor sometime when you need someone. #2 It will make you look good to other. #3 That person may be less opt to stab you in the back.
This theory doesnt just apply to friendship though. You can think in terms of relationships. An example, You get in a fight with your significant other, and to stop the fighting you buy her/him something such as a necklace or game tickets to his favorite sport. #1 you have automaticaly gained brownie points (unless the fight was really bad). #2 You will probably get a few weeks of your significant other being very good to you. #3 You will probably get make up sex, if your relationship is in this stage. #4 You will have made peace once again between you two and therefore will hear less complaining, at leaste for a while.
Now, dont get me wrong on this, I dont mean to say people do these things soly for these reasons. I just think that these reasons come in play more than people are willing to admit. Its human nature I think. We have one main purpose that we try to fullfill, happiness. We want to be happy in any way shape or form that we can. We want to feel accepted, so we treat our friends good and expect the same. We want to be seen as a good person, therefore we do good deeds. We want to come out looking good, smart, sexy, and loved.
Is it selfish, well yes. However, is selfishness a bad thing? We are all selfish in our own ways. It helps drive us to fullfill our needs and wants. Our Hierarchy comes in to play here. We work towards moving up the ladder. We in a sence use people to get there. It is human responce to do so. In reallity this works to our advantage. Being we diguise the selfishness and feel the need to do selfless acts to cover up our desire to take what we want, we are helping eachother out. If you stopped being selfish and just became selfless people would not only walk all over , but they you would never acheive what you want either.
What is wrong with making ourselves happy. Even if what makes you happy is to help others it is still a selfish act. I honestly get so tired of people telling me how good they are. I really dont think anyone is bad. We just all handle things at different levels and have different ways of acheiving what we want in life. Some have the charity help others way. This makes them achieve happiness because they know people see them as a good person and also cuz they see themselves as a good person. There is also the form of manipulation, which is when people make you think there doing good things for different reasons then they are. There are many different levels of this type. Some take it too extreme and end up enjoying hurting others to better themselves. I think most of us are right in the middle were not out to hurt people to get what we want, but sometimes if it happens we can accept it and feel no regret.
Do u disagree? Does anyone have a opinon! Argue people! Debate you sheep! Hmm maybe no one reads these :P Oh well if you do please debate argue, agree something! Anything! :)
