He grabs my arm and turns me to face him, much to my disapproval I do not seem to be able to stop the tears about to run down my face. I am sick of him making me feel this way, obligated to open my heart to him, as though I owe him at least some explanation. Is it necessary? Can't he see it, or feel it, or taste it? with every movement, every gaze, every kiss... Can't he be satisfied by actions? What are words? Why do they mean so much to him? Simple words and yet I am unable to utter the letters. He wants an answer to a revelation, to a confession. An answer I am unable to give. When will he understand that this game we play isn't meant to last long. He forgives, we make up then the past resurfaces: A viscious cycle of making up and messing up. How much patience can a man have? The words flew out of my mouth and I am not prepared to let her go, My hand still grabs her arm, these seconds of silence as her eyes defy me seem to pass so slowly, as I wait and wait for a final answer. I won't take them back, it is impossible anyway, the truth is out there and the dices are in her hands to roll. As much as I am afraid of the words about to come out from those lips I have craved for for so long, as much as I want to let her go and not have her answer me and break my heart, I want her as well to spill it out, I need to know where I stand. With a woman like her, nothing is ever sure, but I want to make it sure, I want to make it perfect. I want to burry the past with three lovely words I wanted to hear from her for so long. And still she looks in my eyes, her own teary but never letting go of mine. I cannot seem to speak. I don't want to. I am afraid to say harsh things. I am afraid that that tongue will just take over and like a cobra in danger bite with words, hurtful words as a way of not showing my fear. With my other hand I push his away, fighting out of his grasp, barely whispering "let me go". I run to my room, to my sanctuary, usually I would run to him, but now I find myself running from him. He had joined me in the balcony earlier, gentle as always and careful with the way he acted and the words he spoke, he knew a part of my secret, they all knew a part of my secret, a small part of the endless web of complications and lies and despair that was knit through the years and that stopped its growth only with His first kiss. He also knew it was not everything that more layers were hidden and yet he proceeded by expressing his feelings, I thought it was pitty at first but his eyes... his eyes they always knew how to contradict my thoughts. I love you he whispered as he gently brought his lips to my ear. " I love you ", I longed to hear that and the moment I did, I could not whisper it back. How many nights have I gone and said it before falling asleep imagining he was beside me, hugging me close. Why am I afraid? Is it because I think of the future often, about London? Or is it because I am haunted by the past? Do I not exist now in this present in this moment that all my life must be related to years gone or ones to come? She slips away from my hand, I let her go, she never spoke the words I wanted to hear, but again she didn't deny them either. She needs her time I understand , but as I stand here, I feel like such an idiot, I need to hold her, I need to hear the words, I need her to need me, to love me. So I walk to her room wanting to end it tonight, wanting to know, sick of sleepless nights, of games... of waiting, but most of all, of her hiding her feelings. He stands at my door, I am sitting on the bed, arms around my knees. I ask him to leave but instead he walks closer, his eyes speaking things I never saw nor understood. Me, linguistically skilled, how ironic. But then again they spoke of matters of the heart and I was never one to understand when it came to that. He sits on the bed, facing me and I position myself in a suitable manner. Not a word, I barely breathe, he takes my hand, stroking my palm with his finger, and placed a small gift in it, while he stood and made his way to his own room. I left her, but still my heart was in that room, I was so scared, so unsure, but I needed to do it, I needed to show her that I am a man of my word, I had promised her once "always" and that promise I tended to keep. All I need now is rest,perhaps my body will, but my mind won't I wonder what she is doing now, what is her reaction? What does the future hold. I remebered to breathe a short while after he left my room, I stared at the ring, my heart racing, I felt it would stop, that my mind was going blank and my body numb. "Why are you doing this to me?" was all I could think of. I cried like never before, not knowing what to do or how to react. My hand had frozen since I layed my eyes on the ring. I realized it was time. With the ring I hoped to show her how serious I was, I hoped to tell her what words weren't enough to tell, perhaps a ring to her was what her "I love you" meant to me. She walks in, slowly, for a second I thought I had fallen asleep, dreaming. She lays on the bed next to me, turning to her right , facing me. She brushes her hand along my face, I hesitate but then get nearer and kiss her, hugging her closer to my heart. I lose myself in his kiss, on his lips, tears still fall freely from my eyes. He looks into them as he breaks the kiss, I know what he wants, what he needs. I hesitate for a moment, I take a breath, summing my courage, then kiss him again, passionatly, and between the kisses whisper "I need you." "I need you" she said as she kissed me, I need you? and what about love? I don't give him a chance to think long about it, not even time for him to break the kiss and look me in the eyes for a spoken confession. I plant another kiss on his lips and again whisper. "I love you." He grabs me and huggs me and lay me on top of him while still kissing me. As our lips part, our eyes meet. Does this mean she agrees, I want to ask her, but do not want to ruin this, do not want her to back off. I caress her hair and her face and finally let out. "would you?" Would I? most definitly I thought to myself, but a little teasing wasn't gonna do any harm, I just stared at him, a grin through the tears, then cupped his face with a hand and gently kissed him, his lips, his cheek, his ear and there I planted a yes, then looked straight at him as I showed him the ring that had captured my finger, my heart, and made me his. My body tensed as I realized the step I had taken. Yes, it was all I needed to hear, Yes... I do not know how to convey all my happiness, I do not know the words that need to be spoken, I just want to be lost in her all night, every night, forever. She tensed a bit while pronouncing the words I could feel it as my hands had found her back. Never again will I want her to feel this way, I just want her to trust me, to love me, and be with me forever . It took me another minute to realize that I had taken a step that would change my life forever, but as I got lost in the moment, in his arms and kisses it didn't scare me as much, all I needed was to hear the words, "I love you" but not from his lips, but mine, only then I had admitted to myself loud and clear that there was no other fate for me but to be in this man's life, to share with him past and future, and be saved by him as many times as the past will resurface. the end |