~Michael’s eBay Auctions~

Cast: Springfield as Michael

Jimbo as Clubby

Shasta as Mellow

Fancy as Halo

Pappa as Speckles

Orion as Clubby III

Colosso as Clubby IV

Carnation as Celebrate

Rumba as TIGER Zodiac

Michael: Come on, come on. You gotta pose here. This has to be perfect. God, this is such a good career. God, God. Okay, stand like this…

Clubby: Um, Mikey, I’m feeling a little uncomfortable. I mean, do I really gotta stand this close when I get my picture taken for eBay?
Michael: As much as I can fit. Sorry if you’re uncomfortable, but I gotta get a career going.

Clubby: Can’t you sell us all individually, if you’re going to sell us at all?
Michael: I’m sorry. I tried and failed.

Clubby: You always try and always fail.

Mellow: No, he doesn’t always fail, so don’t say that. He sold the hummingbird and his sister’s castle.

Clubby: I know, but why us? Why us, Michael?
Michael: I stopped collecting you. And I really want to get rid of you Beanie Buddies because you’re too big for my collection.

Halo: It’s so unfair! You’re judging us by our height! Why are you getting rid of us just because we’re a little bigger?
Michael: I have to get rid of something.

Speckles: Hey, I don’t care if I leave. We’re eventually gonna go back to Ty in the end. Clubby, you understand me, do you? We started off in Ty’s warehouse and we made it out into the homes of Ty’s customers! We’re gonna be mailed out no differently than Ty did!

Clubby: Yeah, except Ty uses that nice, comfortable tissue paper. You just gives us Post-It Notes.

Speckles: You’re just as cheap as Ty is. He ships Priority Mail, and you ship us by sending Leonardo DiCaprio out on a bicycle and have him just take us to the house without any protection or nothing.

Michael: I pay damn good money to get Leonardo DiCaprio to do it.

Halo: But I want to stay with you! I’m the sweet angel bear! You’re a sinner! You rigged your contests and yelled at your friends! I can help you repent!
Michael: That’s what church is for, Halo. And I’m keeping your Beanie Baby and Jingle Beanie. Unfortunately, it’s your time to go.

Halo: No!!! Beanie Buddies have feelings, too! You bought us and received us as gifts!

Michael: Look, I had to make some very tough decisions since quitting collecting, so you really should be understanding of that.

Clubby III: Oh, one Clubby Buddy isn’t enough – you have to sell me?

Clubby IV: Yeah! Don’t forget me, Mr. IV!
Michael: I guess they aren’t.

Clubby III: You loved me and the Clubby III Beanie!
Michael: I lost interest because you lost value.

Clubby III: Yeah, but did you do it for the fun?
Michael: I did! Those stinking E-Beanies ruined it all for me! Those were the only ones that ever became worth anything!

Clubby IV: Look, now you hurt Speckles’ feelings.

Speckles: Why? Why do you always have to give me the blame? What did I ever do to you, Michael? What? Can’t you see we’re all Beanies?

Michael: I thought you didn’t care whether or not you left.

Speckles: I don’t care if I leave, but I do care when you say me, an E-Beanie, ruined your collecting!

Michael: I had nearly 300 Beanies, 100 Buddies… what am I going to do with all of you?
Celebrate: Can’t you give us to a children’s hospital? That way, we wouldn’t have to worry about moving or anything?
Michael: I need money. If I can’t sell you, then I’ll donate you. So Speckles, you should take back what you said about me being cheap.

Speckles: I stand by my word. You may donate some of us, but you’re still cheap. When I want those tissues with the lotion in them, you give me a napkin from 7-11.

Michael: I told you, I ran out of tissues.

Celebrate: Couldn’t you get more?
Michael: Does it look like I know how to drive? Does it look like I’m the man of the family? I’m a stinking teenager! Give me a Beanie break!

TIGER Zodiac: Beanies, don’t worry about a thing. If you guys don’t get sold, you’ll sell with me when Michael puts up his next lot. And maybe we’ll be able to travel to Hawaii for free… heck, I can settle for sunny California.

Mellow: I’d love a vacation… I mean, anywhere. And if I can stay there and I love it, okay.

Halo: Yeah, I’m convinced.

Speckles: I told you I don’t care…now I care. I wanna go to Hawaii!

TIGER Zodiac: Now, I’ll prepare the whole thing. You’re all getting pampered before we go. And you’re gonna love it.

Speckles: Hopefully our new owner loves it.