~Fineselled~

Cast: Sport as Jerry Fineselled

Pappa as George Chipstanza

Shasta as Rose

Fancy as policewoman

Decade as Kramer

Huggins as Man #1

Orion as Man #2

Frisco as Elaine Beanies

Union as homeless man

Ronnie as voice of Ryan

(“Seinfeld” theme plays)

Jerry Fineselled: Yada yada yada, yada yada yada, yada yada yada.

(open on restaurant)
George Chipstanza: I love you. Since my girlfriend died from licking envelopes, I think we’re meant for each other.

Rose: Yeah, maybe. I don’t know. But I really do love you with that toupee.

George Chipstanza: You know it’s a toupee?
Rose: I definitely notice it.

(open on police station)

Policewoman: And… go!

(Four people enter police lineup, including Jerry and Kramer)

Kramer: You comfortable there?
Man #1: Yeah, I think.

Man #2: I’m good, you freak.

Jerry Fineselled: How much are you getting paid to do this, Kramer?
Kramer: A lot. People do pay a lot of taxes.

Jerry Fineselled: I know. Could anyone pay any less?

(open on apartment)
Announcer: Tonight on “The O.C.”…

Elaine Beanies: Oh, my god! I can’t wait for the new “The O.C.”!

Jerry Fineselled: Turn it off. I hate it.

Elaine Beanies: You hate it? You sit down and watch it with me every night and you can’t take your eyes off it!
Jerry Fineselled: No, you must be thinking of Kramer.

Kramer: I only like it to see them beat each other up.

Jerry Fineselled: Now, what’s going on with you, Elaine? You just got a Chubbley Bear on our side, and now you’re going out with him?

Elaine Beanies: Yup…Jubilee.

(open on restaurant)

George Chipstanza: What was that “something important” that you wanted to tell me now, Rose?
Rose: I don’t know if it’s that important to you, but…

George Chipstanza: Are you kidding? Nothing’s too important for a short, stocky, bald Beanie Baby bear!

Rose: Well, look at my head.

George Chipstanza: Oh my…

(open on apartment)

Elaine Beanies: Why don’t you just confess to the woman?
Jerry Fineselled: No.

Elaine Beanies: What else can you do?
Jerry Fineselled: I don’t know.

George Chipstanza: You won’t believe what I just found out today…that woman’s bald.

Elaine Beanies: You’re going out with a bald woman and you’ve got that ugly toupee on? You’re wearing a toupee, so that would make you bald, too?

George Chipstanza: I WAS bald.

Elaine Beanies: (takes toupee off George’s head) I HATE THIS THING! (throws it out the window)

(open on street)
Homeless man: I’m never going to get anything out here. (catches toupee). Hmm…I’ll take this.

(back to police station)

Policewoman: I’m going to give you this lie detector test right now,

Jerry Fineselled: Okay, quiz me. I’m looking forward to…telling the truth.

Policewoman: What is it when you show up at night unannounced?

Jerry Fineselled: You get kicked out of the house, then a black eye.

Policewoman: Anna left Newport Beach to go to where?
Jerry Fineselled: Melrose Place.

Policewoman: Seth and Ryan got into a fight with whom in Las Vegas?
Jerry Fineselled: Siegfried.

Policewoman: What does Seth call his family’s Christmas-Hanukkah celebration?
Jerry Fineselled: All right! I give up! Showing up at night unannounced is a booty call! Anna left to go to Pittsburgh! Seth and Ryan had a fight with strippers! Seth’s Christmas-Hanukkah celebration is Chrismukkah! I know all about “The O.C.”, bitch!

(open on apartment)
George Chipstanza: I’m so happy I’m back to being bald.

Elaine Beanies: It’s like a whole new bald you.

George Chipstanza: I know. I might really like this woman.

Jerry Fineselled: Shut up! It’s nine o’clock! “The O.C.” is on!

Ryan: Theresa, I know you’re pregnant, but what am I?
(Phantom Planet’s “California”, the theme song to “The O.C.”, closes the sketch before a reprise of the “Seinfeld” theme)