~Weekend Update with Frisco~

Cast: Frisco as herself

Fancy as Teresa

Colosso as Birdhead

Huggins, Jimbo, Shasta, and Kookie as themselves

Carnation as director

Frisco: Good evening, I’m Frisco, and in case you think I’m desperate for publicity, I was once married to Marc Anthony.

Our top story tonight: Information about this year’s Teenie Beanie promotion was released today. The Teenie Beanies are all McDonald’s themed items such as Fries, Shakes, Golden Arches, and Hamburglar. If the promotion is a success, then Ty hopes to license a new Taco Bell Beanie. The problem is, Ty can’t think of anything for Taco Bell.

Ty’s Beanies and More Magazine lists the names of 27 new Beanie Babies, including Beanie of the Month Alani the bear, Europe exclusive Ole the bull, Ty Store exclusive Li Mei the panda, and trade show exclusives Atlanta and L.A. So, kids, if your parents collect Beanie Babies, you won’t be getting food for a week.

Tuesday, Ty released a press letter saying that there will be no more monthly introductions and is working on a new production introduction strategy. Which means that on July 31, you won’t have to worry about spending any more Beanie money.

Last week, controversy emerged in Beanie Trade Pals as a woman named Teresa posted begging for monetary donations to finance her August wedding. As the group disapproved the idea of her asking for money from the group members, she fought back. Jeez, look at this girl – I bet her life philosophy is based on that song “Money For Nothing”. You know, by the Dire Straits. We have file footage of this woman speaking out to the group. Here’s what it looks like:

(show video footage of Teresa)
Teresa: If you knew my situation, which I have tried to explain, I can’t cut back and have it somewhere else! My dream was to have a J. Lo kind of wedding, and most of the money didn’t come from you guys – it came from a big fat loan from my fiancé! As fat as Michael Moore! It’s no different from the homeless and charities!

(back to desk)
Frisco: Teresa, if you’re watching this, do Beanie Trade Pals and me a huge favor: get a job. There’s more footage, and I would like to remind our viewers we had to edit this for television.

Teresa [voice of Frisco over curse words]: You’re cruel, rude mother… [Teresa.] I can’t post that often because I’m a very busy bi…

[Bimbo.] I don’t live on the… [Flippin’.] computer like you sad sh… [Shingles. You know, like David Letterman had.] You suckers should grow up and get a f… [It’s funny how I do this.] life! Don’t delete me! I’ll delete myself! F… [Flack. You know, like Roberta Flack.] you all and your stupid [Ad-supported.] group! Go to [Heck.]!

Frisco: So, I live on the computer? If you need me, my address is Hotjobs.com.

German exclusive Deutschland was also seen at the trade show, so now Ty has finally released a Beanie Baby to the U.S. that actually likes to eat sauerkraut.

The set of “Garfield: The Movie” Beanie Babies do not show up on the July order form, hinting on a retirement. In a related story, the money made from the Garfield Beanies is being shredded to make cheese for Garfield’s lasagna.

Here now to review the 21 new Beanies unveiled at the Dallas Gift Show and Ty.com is fashion critic Birdhead.

Birdhead: Hello, ugly cat! Did you get paw implants? I really don’t care, because your fashion is not like mine. I’m furry, purple, and much more beautiful than the other freaks in this cast.

Frisco: If I’m a freak, then just call me Rick James.

Birdhead: He’s a super freak. You’re a super duper freak!

Frisco: Okay, let’s not speak too harshly, whatever that means. What do you think of the new bears?

Birdhead: Grizzwald is a stinkin’ rip-off of the original Teddy, Huntley and Whittle look like those flea bears I keep seeing everywhere, and Chili needs to go to the beach! And why do we need Deutschland here in the U.S.? Union’s just as much as a tragedy as he is!

Frisco: Calm down. What about the new cats?
Birdhead: Fussy and Heiress act like fussy heiresses! They’re so terrible looking and they need makeovers! Aria and Gypsy look like Amber and Silver lying down in the hospital!

Frisco: Okay, so you’re not into the cats. What about the seven dogs?

Birdhead: Seven dogs? One of these dogs is bad enough for me! That Ooh-La-La dog is one of the worst Ty things I’ve seen in years! And it’s very hard for me to say that!

Frisco: I’d say for you it’s pretty easy.

Birdhead: Sometimes.

Frisco: Hopefully not the worst…

Birdhead: Oh, it’s not the worst. You want the worst? I’ll give you the worst: a purple rat that looks like something a kid drew, a guinea pig, one of the ugliest animals on the planet, and a white horse with a Mohawk? “Look at me, I’m Avalon the horse! I look like one of those punk rocker kids that dyes their hair pink and looks like an Indian and wears leather jackets like John freakin’ Travolta!”

Frisco: What about Durango the horse and Swinger the monkey?
Birdhead: The horse named after a car and a monkey that looks like a rat? Never heard of them.

Frisco: Are you going to buy any of these Beanies?
Birdhead: No.

Frisco: Will you accept them as gifts?
Birdhead: No.

Frisco: Will you receive an award that looks like one of them if you ever…

Birdhead: NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Frisco: Birdhead, everybody!

The Hero and Valor Beanie Buddies retired yesterday morning. But the real hero should have retired five years ago.

The new Ty tush tags have the “Ty” in the heart in gold rather than white. Ty’s reason for the color change: he wants his Beanies to be rich again.

Well, as you know by now, I am retired. When we come back, you won’t be seeing me in the cast. So, tonight, we’re going to have some of the current cast members audition to take my place. Roll it, Bruce!

(change to different set with Huggins in Frisco’s place)

Huggins: Good evening, I’m Huggins, and you ain’t never caught a rabbit and you ain’t no friend of mine. Whoops, I’m talking about myself. Our top story tonight: Crazy Beanie escapes mental hospital. The police can find her under the alias “Kathy Griffin”.

Director: Next!

Jimbo: Good evening, I’m Jimbo, and to answer your question, yes, my nose is fake. Our top story tonight: I made friends with a Chubbley Bear while riding a unicycle in Canada. My name? Maple the circus freak.

Director: Next!

Shasta: Good evening, I’m Shasta, and no, Ty couldn’t afford to decorate me with real plants. Our top story tonight: catch “White Cats” in theaters everywhere. Watch as black dogs Scottie and Luke go undercover as white cats Flip and Fancy.

Director: Next!

Kookie: Good evening, I’m Kookie, and am I supposed to be funny? Our top story tonight: Funny funnies in the funny pages today as Funny McFunny pulled a funny on the Funny Bunny. Back to you, funny.
Director: Boy, we’re losing some good ones. We’ve hit a new low.

(back to the Update desk)

Frisco: Well, I hope one of them can be as good as me because I’m outta here. That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.