~Fineselled~
Cast: Sport as Jerry Fineselled

Decade as Kramer

Pappa as George Chipstanza

Frisco as Elaine Beanies

Mother as Mrs. Chipstanza

Dublin as Mr. Chipstanza

Pugsly as Michael Bloomberg

Baby Boy as Newbean

Carnation as Newbean’s girlfriend

Seadog as Ray Romano

(“Seinfeld” theme plays)
Jerry Fineselled: You see, a Beanie Baby is about design. Design is about looking good. I don’t know why I look good. When you look bad, you’re not supposed to look good, and so, that’s why you, well, don’t look good.

(open on apartment)

Kramer: Jerry, look at this outfit I just got. It looks like something I just ate.

Jerry Fineselled: It doesn’t look like something you ate because you didn’t eat it yet! Well, are you going to eat it?
Kramer: No, I don’t think so.

Jerry Fineselled: Then how can you say you ate it?
Kramer: It’s a figure of speech, Jerry! Please!

Jerry Fineselled: But it’s true! You can’t have something that looks like something you ate unless you eat it!
Kramer: I think I need to call Dr. Phil.

(open on diner)
George Chipstanza: My mother wants me to do this thing for a little event called Cinco De Mayo. She wants me to dress up like a little Spanish guy and do this little dance. I don’t know why.

Jerry Fineselled: Did you tell her you didn’t want to do it?
George Chipstanza: No, I didn’t. She said if I don’t do it, I’d be letting her Spanish heritage down.

Jerry Fineselled: But you’re Italians! Italians aren’t Spanish unless one person from another side really is Spanish!

George Chipstanza: Will you stop that already? You talk so absurd, you remind me of that kid I used to go to school with! Oh, that was you.

Jerry Fineselled: Yeah. I was voted “Most likely to be fine-selled.”

George Chipstanza: That’s… that’s pretty obvious, since your last name is Fineselled.

(open on apartment)
Elaine Beanies: Jerry, what’s this about George being in a Cinco De Mayo parade? I don’t even know if they even have Cinco De Mayo parades anymore! Didn’t they ban those after Osito got caught in a manhole?
Jerry Fineselled: Hey, he was in a manhole already.

Elaine Beanies: Hmm, I don’t even want to think about that.

George Chipstanza: Hey, everybody.

Elaine Beanies: Hey. Heard about your little thing you’re doing for a Cinco De Mayo parade.

George Chipstanza: I told you, I’m only doing it for my mom! My mom wants me to do it for her! If I don’t do it, she won’t take me to Taco Bell! I mean, the Olive Garden!

Jerry Fineselled: Taco Bell? They’re always crowded on Spanish holidays! I mean, what’s the deal with Spanish holidays?
George Chipstanza: What’s the deal with… you?
(open on George’s house)
George Chipstanza: Hi, Mom, Dad. I just wanted to ask you, this Cinco De Mayo thing is making me an infamous piece of garbage! People call me Mr. De Leon and Taco Salad! What do I do? Huh? What do I do?

Mr. Chipstanza: I told you, this Cinco De Mayo parade is a bunch of nonsense! Guys constantly saying, “Mayo have some mayo?” It’s a bunch of nonsense, muffin!
Mrs. Chipstanza: I thought it could help him to, um, interact with people. You know, like the Irish.

George Chipstanza: That’s St. Patrick’s Day, Mom!
Mr. Chipstanza: Oh, darn! Hot freaking darn! You misled my boy! You made him think it was the Irish holiday where we can make Irish soda bread and sell it to people!
Mrs. Chipstanza: I know! But it’s a Spanish dealie! A Spanish dealie!
Mr. Chipstanza: Boy, why don’t you go down to the city hall and back out of it?
George Chipstanza: Hmm, back out of marching a parade? That would make me nonpatriotic. Unless…

(cut to town hall)

Michael Bloomberg: Hmm, I think I should write a biography on that guy, um, Giuliani. He was good.

George Chipstanza: Um, Mayor Bloomberg? Remember when my mother signed me up to march in the Cinco De Mayo parade?

Michael Bloomberg: Uh, yeah. She was very nice about that.

George Chipstanza: I see. Well, uh, the thing is, I can’t march because… well, I’m crippled. My legs broke in a car accident. I was run over by Ray Romano.

Michael Bloomberg: Hmm, I wonder how the tabloids will handle that one? Anyway, George, thanks for letting me know. I’m very, very sorry to see you drop out.

George Chipstanza: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Michael Bloomberg: Okay, now where was I? Oh, yes… “Rudy, you must fight the power…” ah, heck with this. I’m watching “Forrest Gump”.

(open on apartment)
Jerry Fineselled: Oh, no. Newbean.

Newbean: Fineselled, you crazy man. You set this up, did you?

Jerry Fineselled: What did I set up?
Newbean: Well, I was just reading the paper today, and it seems that your buddy George just backed out of the Cinco De Mayo parade by saying Ray Romano ran him over.

Jerry Fineselled: Really, he did that?
Newbean: I was going to do the same thing to get out of that thing, except use Arsenio Hall’s name! Now if I do that I’ll be guilty, and it’s all thanks to you, Fineselled, for setting up this crazy scam! I wanted to lose weight but then my new girlfriend said I could just get a liposuction! Come in here!
Newbean’s girlfriend: Hi. Don’t I look just like my lover?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. You got the whole chub thing going on.

Jerry Fineselled: Kramer, shut up.

Newbean’s girlfriend: I think you guys are dumb. My big teddy bear here is so smart.

Jerry Fineselled: Hmm, I don’t know about that.

Kramer: Jerry…

Jerry Fineselled: What already?
Kramer: I want to hear what she’s saying!
Newbean’s girlfriend: I’m done. Now Teddy and I need to take some of some business.

(open on diner)
George Chipstanza: Well, I got out of the parade. What do you want to do now?
Jerry Fineselled: Oh, maybe rent a movie or something. That “Red Dragon” looks good.

George Chipstanza: Nah. I’m not big on that Hannibal. I’ve had a thing against him since he tried to eat my…

Jerry Fineselled: He’s a fictional character.

George Chipstanza: Then who’s the Hannibal that crossed the Alps?
Jerry Fineselled: Hannibal!
George Chipstanza: Wait, I thought you said he was fictional.

Jerry Fineselled: I didn’t… what’s Newbean doing here?

Newbean: There he is! There’s that guy – George Chipstanza! He faked the whole thing!
Michael Bloomberg: How dare you insult the Spanish and Italian communities by you dropping out like that. And how dare you falsely accuse Ray Romano. Raymond?
Ray Romano: Ah, this is gonna be sweet. I’m gonna pound you until I stop whining.

Jerry Fineselled: George, do yourself a favor… run.

(George runs out of diner and is chased by Newbean, Michael Bloomberg, and Ray Romano)