~Fineselled~
Cast: Sport as Jerry Fineselled

Decade as Kramer

Frisco as Elaine Beanies

Smartest as Beanerman

Pappa as George Chipstanza

US HERO as Sergeant Hamill

Mother as Mrs. Chipstanza

Dublin as Mr. Chipstanza

Baby Boy as Newbean

Smitten as Mrs. Hamill

(“Seinfeld” theme plays)

Jerry Fineselled: You know, I went into this place the other day called a Hallmark store, and I didn’t know what was in it, so I went in, and I saw a person. I thought, “How could a store sell people?” It’s crazy, I tell you.

(open on apartment)

Kramer: Jerry, did you get me the sympathy card?

Jerry Fineselled: No. I kept telling you that on the ride back. I left because I was afraid those people were selling other people. How can a store sell people? I thought slave times were over.

Kramer: Well, I guess it’s the latest craze.

Jerry Fineselled: Well, it’s a craze because it’s driving me crazy! Aah! Aah!

Kramer: I think that’s a little beyond crazy.

Jerry Fineselled: Tell me what’s crazier, and then tell me what the deal with it is.

Kramer: I’m not sure about either.

Jerry Fineselled: You? Not sure?
Kramer: Yeah, Jerry. I don’t have to be sure of EVERY LITTLE THING!
(open on Elaine’s workplace)

Elaine Beanies: Mmm, Junior Mints. I love these and I don’t know why.

Beanerman: Elaine, my mother’s father Sergeant Hamill is coming tonight and I need you to meet up with him at the airport and bring him to my house. I’ll give you extra money.

Elaine Beanies: And what if I don’t, Beanerman?
Beanerman: You’re fired.

Elaine Beanies: Uh… wow.

(open on airport)
Elaine Beanies: George, what are you doing here?
George Chipstanza: My mother wants me to pick her up and bring her back home.

Elaine Beanies: I have to do the same thing with Beanerman’s grandfather. He said if I don’t bring him home I’m fired.

George Chipstanza: Fired? Well, I bet you’d like being fired. You don’t have to obey Beanerman, and you can do what you want when you want. I can do it at home.

Elaine Beanies: Ah, forget it, George.

Sergeant Hamill: Ah, hello Elaine. I don’t know who you are, little bald man.

George Chipstanza: George Chipstanza. Sir, yes sir.

Sergeant Hamill: I’m Sergeant Hamill, and I fought in Vietnam. I almost died but luckily I was able to regain consciousness while a bear caught me by the hands.

Elaine Beanies: I’ll take you to my leader in a minute.

George Chipstanza: So, Sarge… um, uh, do you like fast food?
Sergeant Hamill: Never cared for it.

George Chipstanza: Then how about we go to KFC?

(open on Beanerman’s office)

Beanerman: Well, Elaine, I guess I doubted you. After that time you danced like a moron, you finally came back. Here’s $300.

Elaine Beanies: Thank you, Beanerman. Finally, you’re doing something GOOD.

Beanerman: Watch it, Elaine. You’re walking on thin ice again.

Elaine Beanies: Well, as long as the sergeant is here. Sir, yes sir!

Sergeant Hamill: Beanerman, drop and give me 30!

Beanerman: He was an accident, Elaine.

Elaine Beanies: Ha, ha, ha. Enjoy your push-ups, Beanerman.

Sergeant Hamill: Are you a sissy, Beanerman?
Beanerman: No, sir, no!

(open on apartment)
Jerry Fineselled: Well, George, I went back to the Hallmark this afternoon, and look at what I see! I see a man saying, “Do you want this for $19.99?” and he walks out with someone else! They ARE selling people!
George Chipstanza: Relax. I think it’s just his wife.

Jerry Fineselled: I saw him walk in without a woman!
George Chipstanza: Maybe she walked in after he did.

Jerry Fineselled: I didn’t see any other women walk in!
George Chipstanza: What is wrong with you, Jerry?

Jerry Fineselled: Nothing. Why don’t you go ask your parents about this?
George Chipstanza: You know what? I think I will… because you’re crazy, Jerry.

(open on George’s house)
Mrs. Chipstanza: People selling people? What is this, slavery?

Mr. Chipstanza: I don’t want my boy being involved in slavery. You know better, George.

George Chipstanza: Not that I don’t know better, but Jerry has this crazy mind about Hallmark stores. Have you ever been to one?
Mrs. Chipstanza: Hallmark creeps me out. I haven’t been in one since I saw a man suddenly die in one.

Mr. Chipstanza: I go to Hallmark all the time, or at least read about the shops. A lot of crazos there.

George Chipstanza: Really?

Mr. Chipstanza: Yeah. Especially the ones who buy all the humor cards with sexy girls on them.

George Chipstanza: Hmm, I never knew that. I should stop and buy you some slaves.

(open on apartment)
Newbean: Ohh, I knew I’d find you here.

Jerry Fineselled: Newbean – what did I do now?
Newbean: George tells me they’re selling people at Hallmark – I don’t care whether it’s true or not because it’s pretty funny, and yeah, I want to stock up on as much as I can. Fineselled, the only problem is – you lied to me.

Jerry Fineselled: Phew!
Newbean: I hate having to watch my own weight and rake my own leaves, so I have to think of solutions. Instead of paying pest control, I could force slaves to do the work. I could buy them at Hallmark. And all I get is this Beanie Baby!
Jerry Fineselled: Well, don’t trust everyone.

Newbean: Then who can I trust? Who, Fineselled? Oh, and your rent’s due tomorrow.

(open on Beanerman’s office)
Beanerman: I think I’ve lost all the weight I could, plus a little muscle… I think I’m fatigued. How about I go home now? It’s 1:00 A.M. in the morning.

Sergeant Hamill: No! I want to make a man out of you, son! Now drop and give me 100!
Beanerman: AAAAH!
Mrs. Hamill: I told you not to do that to him since the plane trip. Now that he’s crazy, we might want to go home.

Elaine Beanies: Beanerman is a real jerk, Hamills. I’m glad you made him nuts. Now I’m in charge.

Sergeant Hamill: Not yet… drop and give me 20!
Mrs. Hamill: Shut up!

Sergeant Hamill: But I make a good leader. I’m a sergeant, and what are you?
Mrs. Hamill: I’m… your wife.

Sergeant Hamill: Good answer.

Elaine Beanies: Hmm… let’s leave that guy alone now.