~Weekend Update with Seadog~
Cast: Seadog as himself

Colosso as Birdhead

Baby Boy as himself

Baby Girl as herself

Red White & Blue as himself

Scat as Scat Cat

Carnation as Fast Cat

Rusty as Fat Cat

Seadog: Good evening, I’m Seadog. Here are tonight’s top stories:

This weekend the Dallas Gift Show opened up, with many surprises in store for Beanie fans. We’ve got a lot of mixed responses coming in from people about this gift show. The Beanies announced at the show so far are Lamore the poodle, Fidgit the dog, Blessed the winged praying bear, Frosty the ox, and Rumba the tiger. These are good ideas for Beanies… well, five years ago, they were.

There was also a show exclusive bear called Fizz, a pink bear with polka dots. On the postcard given to retailers, which made its way onto the Internet this week, it was originally supposed to be called Bravo, along with its Buddy counterpart. The reason for the name change, as said by Ty: “We already used Fuzz, and we’re afraid that the Bravo TV network will sue us, after Spike Lee sued TNN because of the Spike TV name change… we just like being critical and making money off things.”

Other Buddies released at the show include Empress the orange cat. They would have called it Tabs, but they don’t want to. Then there’s Happy Birthday Bear. It must be like those annoying birthday bear Beanies, except it has twelve months embroidered on the chest. Not for blind people. Then Charmer, Bonsai, and Schnitzel – now where can I start telling you what’s wrong with that picture?

Three Pluffies and three Teenie Beanie Boppers were also released at the Dallas gift show. It was that time in between the game where you feel like falling asleep. “Okay, the names of these things are… now how many times did I tell you to stop snoring?”

This Tuesday, the Ty Store exclusive Blue the USA bear was introduced. Blue is just like Red, only more depressing than its copycats.

Today at midnight, the fifth Harry Potter book went out on sale, and to celebrate, Specs, the Beanie Kid who looks like Harry Potter, kissed Hillary Clinton at a release party for books that are talked about until you just can’t take it anymore, then got drunk off a whiskey-flavored Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Bean.

Here now to talk about summer Beanie fashions is trashy style critic Birdhead.

Birdhead: Thank you, Seadoggy. Mind if I wipe your face clean to take off that crap?

Seadog: What are you talking about?
Birdhead: Why, you must be the ugliest thing in America. Okay, now to look good in the summer, skin is in. Set doggies free from their collars and choke chains. Don’t tie ribbons round the bears. And most importantly, spay AND neuter the Decade bears!

Seadog: Sounds pretty extreme. Anyway, I’ll say a Beanie’s name and you tell me how good they look. Smartest.

Birdhead: Ugh, I cannot believe the look of that dude’s face! I can’t believe him! He looks like Pugsly the dog, except he’s Pugsly the rat!

Seadog: Red.

Birdhead: There’s only one look to describe him: dead! Ty shouldn’t make Fred or Ted Beanies or I’ll definitely say that about them!
Seadog: Lumberjack.

Birdhead: More like lumberjack-off! Don’t forget he’s lazy! “Oh, mommy, can’t you please carry this log for me? Too heavy.” YOU’RE too heavy!
Seadog: Colosso.

Birdhead: Colosso? That purple mammoth that looks so gay I can’t even describe it? That mammoth who should replace Barney and Tinky Winky the Teletubby as the next fag making children laugh? Uh… never had time to review him.

Seadog: Hmm. Okay, thanks for coming.

Birdhead: Good. Send me to Dallas – I’ve got tons of crap to clean up there.

Seadog: Birdhead, everybody!

For the first time ever, when the Info Beanie polls opened on Sunday, country exclusives from countries other than the U.S. took the top two. Coreana the Korean bear came in with 40.89% and Wirabear the Malaysian bear opened with 31.72%. Then they bombed us.

Percentages for Coreana dropped after opening due to strong voting for Zeus the moose. When asked to comment, Zeus said, “I’m a moose. What do you want me to do?”

Blue the bear… wow, just retired. I don’t know what to say, except, good.

The Punkies were absent from the Dallas Gift Show. None were released because the people at the show didn’t like seeing hairy monsters being thrown to the ground.

A poll on Planet Beans showed that Punkies were the Ty products the most people were least interested in. The Chubbley product people were least interested in: Chubbley Boppers.

HERO Bears have now been showing up with flags on the chest instead of the shoulder. This gives Ty an idea to re-release all three versions of the America bear with the flag on the shoulder.

The Brookfield Zoo in Chicago will have Beanie Day on July 26 and 27, where the first 4,000 children 11 and under can get a free Beanie and exclusive card. At that moment the parents will steal their stuff – “Mommy, why can’t I play with my new toy?” “I’m sorry, young man or lady, but I’m going to start you a checking account.”

If you have 5,000 points on your Ty MNBA card, you can get ten year anniversary rewards, or as I like to call it, another way to get beat up on the streets.

And now, here with another debate, this time on the fate of Red White & Blue, is Baby Boy and Baby Girl.

Baby Girl: Thank you. Now, a good friend of ours, Red White & Blue, retired on June 9.

Baby Boy: Due to being underused throughout his tenure on the chat series, he chose tonight to be his last night.

Baby Girl: As always, I will be on the pro side. I’ll be complaining, “Wah! Wah! Why does RWB have to go?” and on the con side will be Baby Boy.

Baby Boy: Why do I always have to be con?
Baby Girl: Whenever we do the coin flip you always pick tails.

Baby Boy: There will be a day when I win. Anyway, let’s begin.

Seadog: Go ahead.

Baby Girl: Red White & Blue is the best cast member on this chat series. Without him, we wouldn’t have such amazing characters like Jerry Fineselled, Emma Whiskers, and Boring Political.

Baby Boy: Baby Girl, you ignorant Snort. You just want to make him feel welcome, you liar. Be honest if you want to welcome him! RWB has no recurring characters because the guys here are so cheap and they only put him in small skit roles! Sport the dog is Jerry Fineselled, Frisco the cat is Emma Whiskers, and Smartest the ugly owl is Boring Political!

Baby Girl: I can’t lie about a friend and you can call Smartest ugly?
Baby Boy: I hate his face! He looks like Zorro with feathers!
Seadog: Calm down. You’re only one and a half years old, bears.

Baby Girl: Why should we?
Seadog: I get fired if you don’t.

Red White & Blue: You must have learned a lot from me, hmm, Seadog?

Baby Boy: How did you get in here?
Red White & Blue: I want to say goodbye to my friends, and even though I’m never coming back here again, I want my friends to know I’ll still be there for them.

Baby Girl: How are you going to communicate with us?
Red White & Blue: Supermarket.

Seadog: Baby Boy, Baby Girl, and Red White & Blue, everybody! RWB, can I have your autograph?
Red White & Blue: I’ll do anything but that. I better get going now.

Seadog: Aw, RWB. We’ll miss you, buddy.

Peggy Gallagher has given out a new counterfeit serial number on a Buckingham Beanie Baby tush tag. The number is 4KEBEANI. Hmm… a little too reassuring, don’t you think?

This week’s National Enquirer featured a photo of a baby hugging a Baby Ty product. Stay tuned next week for the National Enquirer, where you get information on the Baby Ty cheating on her husband and exclusive photos of her sexy romp with Ashton Kutcher and the guy who plays “The Hulk”.

Over the week, many of the items retired last week, such as Soar Buddy, Bloom, Red White & Blue, and Red have not fared well on MetaExchange. In other news, Osbournes merchandise is on clearance at Hot Topic.

Ms. Janie reported an unconfirmed rumor saying that the Beanie Buddies will be retired after the end of the year… oh, wait, and brought back in March 2004. Ms. Janie got the note from a Ty retailer who was attacked by the still not yet retired Extra Large Schweetheart Buddy.

Australian HERO has also taken price drops during the week, dropping from $20 when retired to only $13-$15. That’s just about enough to buy one of the new Asia-Pacific exclusives… but if it were five years today, I’d say, “to buy a counterfeit Britannia.”

Well, tomorrow will be the birthday of a good friend of ours, Fast Cat from Scat and the Cats. Here now with a special birthday commentary are, ladies and gentlemen, Scat and the Cats.

Scat Cat: Fast Cat, are you ready to have a bop-bop-a-loo-boppin’ birthday?

Fast Cat: I’m rev-rev-rev-revved up and ready!
Fat Cat: Can I eat your cake?

Fast Cat: I told you, after the chat!

Seadog: So, I’m guessing this time it won’t be a song about a golfer?
Scat Cat: This time we let Fast Cat pick what she wanted to play since it was her birthday, and we chose between “Flying Without Wings and Superstar” and “Bridge Over Troubled Water and This Is The Night” – very difficult decision, so we chose the Bridge one.

Fast Cat: I like bridges. I like crossing bridges and playing bridge. Good game.

Fat Cat: I like eating gingerbread bridges.

Seadog: Those are copyrighted songs, so I doubt you’ll be performing them…

Fast Cat: No, we wrote our own song. This song is called “Let’s Play Bridge”.

Fat Cat: Aw, I was hoping we’d make a gingerbread bridge and eat it.

Scat Cat: They may say Christmas comes in July, but that’s only in Australia.

Fat Cat: I know, because their Christmas comes during the summer.

Seadog: (sotto voice) Um… I should lie. (louder) Your information is the best on the planet. Please perform because I love you and I’m your biggest fan.

Fat Cat: Do what the scary dog says.

Scat Cat: 1, 2, 3, 4!

(swing music plays)

Scat Cat: “I wanna play bridge because it’s fun!
Fast/Fat: Bridge is fun, bridge is fun!

Scat Cat: I wanna play bridge because it’s fun!
Fast/Fat: Bridge is fun, bridge is fun!

Fast Cat: North and south, east and west, no matter which side I’m on, bridge is the best!

Fat Cat: When I cross the bridge to go to 7-11, I get myself a Slurpee and I send myself to heaven!” Um, was that good?

Scat Cat: Obviously not, since the song is about playing the card game bridge and not crossing a bridge to buy yourself a Slurpee.

Fat Cat: I’m sorry… again.

Scat Cat: There goes our gig on Good Morning America. “I wanna play bridge because it’s fun!

Fast/Fat: Bridge is fun, bridge is fun!

Scat Cat: I wanna play bridge because it’s fun!

All: Let’s play bridge!”

Seadog: Luther Vandross is going to get sicker if he has to hear that crap. Get out!

Fast Cat: How dare you reference Luther Vandross against us!
Fat Cat: Yeah, we’re big fans!
Seadog: Sing one song you know from him.

Fat Cat: Um… “If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain…”

Seadog: You don’t know, and I knew you didn’t. Fast Cat?
Fast Cat: Never heard of him.

Scat Cat: We pretend a lot of times to be affectionate.

Seadog: Never come back! Scat and the Cats everybody!
Scat Cat: Don’t buy a CD by anyone who hates us!
Seadog: That’s the news; good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!