~Dog Eat Dog~
Cast: Carnation as Brooke Burns

Muddy as Fido

Seadog as Rover

Libearty as Pups

Bo as Spot

Sport as Cliff

Brooke Burns: Welcome to “Dog Eat Dog”. I’m the ultra-hot Brooke Burns, and I just love bikinis and exposing people’s fears. Call me Illegally Blonde. Let’s meet our contestants, who spent the last day in camp to try to find each other’s weaknesses – and wow, they’re all dogs. It’s all in the name. Say hello to Fido, Rover, Pups, Spot, and Cliff.

Fido: Great to see you.

Pups: Yeah. Not every day do you get to meet such a…

Brooke Burns: Let’s get started with our first challenge: the hot dog eating contest. It’s time to choose the loser. Vote now on who you think should take the challenge.

Rover: Mmm, hot dogs!
Cliff: Yeah!
Spot: Whoa, hold on. They’re poisoned.

Brooke Burns: And you chose Spot.

Spot: Oh, man! I’m… I’m, um, not interested in hot dogs. I like hamburgers, shrimp, chicken, bacon…

Brooke Burns: Dogs like hot dogs.

Spot: And why do they call them hot dogs when they should call them wieners? I think wiener is the best word to…

Brooke Burns: Then I guess wiener isn’t the best word to describe a dachshund?
Spot: You got me, woman. I’m eating the dogs.

Brooke Burns: You must try to eat 10 hot dogs in 30 seconds or we will send you to the dog pound. Ready?
Spot: Um, sort of. I just really don’t want to…

Brooke Burns: Set…

Spot: I QUIT!
Brooke Burns: You heard him. Now that you quit, you send yourself to the dog pound. Okay, let’s do a revote and see who gets to take the challenge next.

Rover: Send Fido.

Cliff: Yeah, Fido’s a chicken.

Pups: I choose Pups! Wait a minute, I’m voting myself.

Brooke Burns: Fido goes next.

Fido: Um, uh… well…

Pups: Come on, Fido!

Fido: Well, you see, Brooke, I’m allergic to hot dogs.

Brooke Burns: Hmm, I’m sorry to hear that, but since there’s no other challenge planned for today, you join Spot in the dog pound.

Fido: Only one challenge and that’s it? You want us to eat all the food so you won’t take it all for yourself because you’re so sexy and gorgeous?
Brooke Burns: Pretty much. Thanks for the compliments, but you still go in the dog pound.

Fido: Last reality show I ever go on. I’ve been on “Survivor” and “American Idol” and this is the worst.

Brooke Burns: Well, it’s two down because they refused to participate. Which one of you three is destined to eat ten hot dogs in half a minute?
Pups: I would if they vote me.

Rover: Um, it depends.

Cliff: Same with me.

Brooke Burns: Let’s vote.

Cliff: Vote for Pups. He wants to eat them.

Rover: Don’t tell me what to do or I’ll vote for you.

Cliff: Fine, then do that.

Brooke Burns: Okay, who did you vote for?
Rover: Cliff.

Pups: Cliff.

Cliff: Damn, my vote doesn’t count! You don’t know how angry I am! My vote doesn’t count! Goodbye, everybody! I’ll see you at the dog pound!
Brooke Burns: Whatever. Go ahead and make my day. I guess Pups will accept the challenge, then.

Pups: And that I do. I came here today with the American flag on my chest because I love hot dogs, and hot dogs are American food, which is why we eat them on the fourth of July.

Brooke Burns: I know all about hot dogs. I don’t need to know.

Pups: Then can you tell me who ate the first hot dog?
Brooke Burns: Just eat. 10 hot dogs in 30 seconds. Good luck.

(Pups gobbles down 10 hot dogs while Rover shouts out insults)

Brooke Burns: Okay, 30 minutes are up, and you did it! You’ve proven Rover wrong, and now he has to go to the dog pound.

Rover: See you later sometime, Pups.

Pups: Yeah, sometime.

Brooke Burns: Great. Now, if you are our top dog, and I mean literally, since you are a dog…

Pups: Yes. Woof-woof-woof!
Brooke Burns: You look happy, and you’d look happier with $25,000.

Pups: Hubba-hubba!
Brooke Burns: But first, you will go head to head in Beanie trivia with the other four dog pound… well, they’re dogs.

Cliff: Fido, don’t tell us you’re allergic to trivia.

Fido: Shut up, Cliff.

Brooke Burns: If the dog pound wins, the four dogs will split the $25,000 amongst themselves. Ready?
Pups: Ready. (pants)
Brooke Burns: Okay, first question: which of the following Beanie Babies was not released at the Dallas Gift Show this month: Fizz, Bubbly, Toast, Hottie?
Fido: Bubbly!
Brooke Burns: Oh, I’m sorry, Fido. You’re wrong. Pups?
Pups: Hottie.

Brooke Burns: Hottie is correct! There is no Hottie Beanie Baby, but I am a hottie. Next question: Ty Warner does not own which of the following properties: the Four Seasons Hotel in New York City, the San Ysidro Ranch, or the Playboy Mansion?
Pups: I think it’s the San Ysidro Ranch, because that “ranch” makes me think it’s cowboys. And Ty isn’t a cowboy. But I’m going to go with my first choice, the Playboy Mansion.

Brooke Burns: You’re right!
Spot: I wanted to say that!
Fido: You have to be quick. That’s how you play the game.

Brooke Burns: If you get this next question correct, you win. Which of the following is not the color of a Decade bear: red, white, blue, or cheddar cheese?
Pups: Cheddar cheese. Woof-woof-woof!
Brooke Burns: You win $25,000!
Fido: But I was going to say tha…

Cliff: So you ARE allergic to trivia?
Brooke Burns: That’s all the time we have on “Dog Eat Dog” Join us next week, and if you can’t wait a week to see me, just watch “Baywatch” reruns on TNN. I’m a total knockout. See you later.