~Fineselled~
Cast: Sport as Jerry Fineselled

Decade as Kramer

Pappa as George Chipstanza

Libearty as George Steinbrenner (only shown from back)

Colosso as woman at counter

Frisco as Elaine Beanies

Baby Boy as Newbean

Fancy as Jerry’s girlfriend

Baby Girl as female customer

(“Seinfeld” theme plays)

Jerry Fineselled: I’m not sure what I’m talking about, but can you believe when people lie to you? People are such liars today. When they tell the truth, they’re actually lying, and when they lie, they tell the truth. What kind of… what kind of person is that? I just don’t get these people. I never do.

(open on apartment)

Kramer: Jerry, look at this.

Jerry Fineselled: What’s the big deal with your shirt?
Kramer: Well, the big deal is, I used an oven to heat this shirt up. I was out of quarters and now I’m heating up my clothes.

Jerry Fineselled: Well, don’t. You’ll get burned.

(open on Yankee Stadium)
George Steinbrenner: Okay, pick me up the calzone. Bye. Okay, you’re fired. Bye. Okay, you’re making me hungry now. Bye. (hangs up) George, let’s eat.

George Chipstanza: Well, I just wanted to ask you, are you going to do any more Beanie Baby promotions for our team?
George Steinbrenner: No, I don’t feel like it. Let’s give out something people would like, like calzones.

George Chipstanza: Hmm, that is a good promotion.

George Steinbrenner: Only thing is, you need to get the calzones for me, at the place across from the stadium that I love, Piesanno’s.

George Chipstanza: Oh, I love that place, too! I tell ya, they make good calzone.

George Steinbrenner: You just told me that.

George Chipstanza: Well, I don’t remember.

(open on Piesanno’s)

George Chipstanza: I’ll take two calzones, please.

Woman at counter: Yes-a, thank you. You’ve got something in your wallet.

George Chipstanza: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to check it… yes, some money! I’ll give it to you… if you want. (opens tip jar)
Woman at counter: Hey, what-a you do to my money? You’re stealing my money! Get out and never come back!
(open on apartment)

Elaine Beanies: You think that my boyfriend and I aren’t dating?
Jerry Fineselled: Well, no. It’s a date if you kiss. It’s a date if you hug. It’s a date if the parents are there.

Elaine Beanies: And what if the parents are there?
Jerry Fineselled: Good luck.

Elaine Beanies: Hmmph, “Good luck.”
(open on Newbean’s apartment)

George Chipstanza: Um, Newbean?
Newbean: Ah, Chipstanza. I never really liked you because you’re buddies with Fineselled.

George Chipstanza: Okay, yeah. Anyway, I wanted to ask you a favor. I got kicked out of Piesanno’s and I’d like you to get my boss an eggplant calzone. He’s really particular about his calzones.

Newbean: Piesanno’s, oh, yeah. I love that place. Their calzones are so good, it makes my stomach look big…ger than it usually is.

George Chipstanza: You’re telling me.

(open on restaurant)
Jerry Fineselled: I love you. You’re like a beautiful Hulk.

Jerry’s girlfriend: The Hulk? I hate that guy! His movie is worse than that Daredevil! I’m a nice and smart lady! Leave me alone!
Female customer: You sick man! I should have someone beat you up!
Jerry Fineselled: What’s the deal with sick men?
Female customer: I don’t care.

(open on Newbean’s apartment… it’s raining)

George Chipstanza: Newbean, why aren’t you out buying my calzone right now?

Newbean: It’s raining. I don’t work when it rains. I hate water.

George Chipstanza: But you’re a mailman! It says right in the first line, “In rain or sleet or yada yada…”
Newbean: I’m off. Get out.

George Chipstanza: I guess I’ll have to find someone else to go there for me… Kramer, can you do go to Piesanno’s for me and get an eggplant calzone?

Kramer: I can. I hope you don’t mind I pay in pennies.

George Chipstanza: I get it, since you ran out of quarters. It doesn’t matter.

(open on Piesanno’s)
Woman at counter: Hello?
Kramer: I’d like an eggplant calzone, and… my shirt baked.

Woman at counter: Okay. That’ll be eight dollars.

Kramer: I hope you don’t mind I pay in pennies.

Woman at counter: You-a pay in pennies? I want-a paper money, you sicko! I don’t bake no shirts for pennies!

Kramer: Do it.

(open on Yankee Stadium)

George Steinbrenner: Okay, Chipstanza’s in the building, and he’s not in his office! Thank you, bye! Oh, Chipstanza! Where’s my calzone?
George Chipstanza: Well, here’s your calzone.

George Steinbrenner: Mmm, I’m looking forward to this. I’m so hungry. Mmm. Wait a minute, you ordered me a shirt?
George Chipstanza: Um… no.

George Steinbrenner: Get out! Never get me calzones again! I’m not eating a shirt!
George Chipstanza: Then turn into a goat.