~The Telemarketers~
Cast: Carnation as Jane Janeson

Tubbo as Tom Fatty

Smartest as Brad Boss

Libearty as Sam Smith

Colosso as voice on phone

Frisco as Mrs. Smith

Decade as George W. Bush

Announcer: They annoy you during dinnertime. They ask you to take stupid surveys. They are… “The Telemarketers”!

Jane Janeson: Tom, caller ID is really getting the best of us.

Tom Fatty: Jane, I know. Let’s call another home. (dials phone) This is Tom Fatty of the… international health club. You’re too fat, so lose some weight.

Jane Janeson: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Let me try one. (dials phone) This is Jane Janeson of the local beauty salon in the town you’re in, saying get a manicure! Your nails stink!

Tom Fatty: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Good one! Let’s hurry up and make some more insults before the boss comes.

Jane Janeson: Oh, Brad Boss? He thinks he’s so tough, but he isn’t.

Brad Boss: Jane Janeson, what did you say about me?
Jane Janeson: Oh, nothing. Just that you’re not really as tough as you think.

Brad Boss: Really? Then watch me make this phone call. (dials phone) Take this survey or I’ll punch your teeth out!
Voice on phone: Uh-uh-uh… okay!

Brad Boss: Watch a professional. Back to work.

Jane Janeson: I am a professional, loser.

Tom Fatty: Hey, we’re all losers here.

Sam Smith: Well, not me. I always get the foolish people. I’m so good at tricking them into paying us. They think they’re paying me taxes.

Jane Janeson: I hate taxes. We work hard for money. We shouldn’t give it up to the government.

Sam Smith: I give my money to my family. They’re like my government. “Blah blah blah. Where’s my allowance? I’m going on strike if you don’t give me a raise! I’m a brat!”
Tom Fatty: Then why don’t we play a trick on them? Let’s trick your wife and kids.

Sam Smith: Hmm, that’s a good idea. I’ll get my money back.

Brad Boss: What are you doing?
Sam Smith: Oh, why did you have to just surprise me like that?

Brad Boss: I like to watch what people do.

Sam Smith: Like taking their clothes off.

Brad Boss: Don’t you… okay, Tom, I’d like you to offer this Hallmark dealer a box of rare Beanie Babies but send her nothing.

Tom Fatty: I’ll do that if I can get up. (grunts while trying to get up) Oh, man, I shouldn’t have eaten so many McGriddles.

Brad Boss: I hate doing this. (pulls Tom off of chair) Okay, now off we go.

Jane Janeson: Sam, what’s your phone number? (Sam whispers in Jane’s ear) Thank you. (dials phone)

(open on Sam Smith’s house, where the wife is watching a soap opera)
Mrs. Smith: Who’s calling?
Jane Janeson: This is Miss… Jones, here to tell you that you haven’t paid a bill for the health program that you go to to lose all that weight you’ve got in your belly.

Mrs. Smith: Bally?
Jane Janeson: Exactly.

Mrs. Smith: Thank you for reminding me. Where should I send?
Jane Janeson: 112 Market Avenue.
Mrs. Smith: Thank you. (hangs up)
(back to office)
Jane Janeson: Fooled her! (giggles with Sam) Now let’s call… the president.

Sam Smith: Call George W. Bush? Even I haven’t done that.

Jane Janeson: It’s a good scam.

Sam Smith: No. That’s totally unpatriotic.

Jane Janeson: Wow, you sure know America. Now let’s do it.

Sam Smith: Whatever. You have his number?
Jane Janeson: I have the number of the White House, but I can call for him. (dials phone) Um, can I speak to a Mr. Bush? First name George? He’s at a meeting? It’s an emergency call. Tell him to leave then! What am I, the meeting man? Okay, thanks.

(open on Bush’s office)
George W. Bush: Hello?
Sam Smith: This is the head of the International Revenue Service.

George W. Bush: But I’m the president. I get to tell who does and doesn’t pay taxes, and I sure as heck ain’t paying no taxes. I learned that back in Texas.

Sam Smith: Yeah, but you’re in Washington now, buddy. You owe me $1 million.

George W. Bush: $1 million? Buddy? Now, you’re saying I should send to 112 Market Avenue because sending to the IRS is a waste of stamps?
Sam Smith: That’s not an opinion, that’s a fact.

George W. Bush: Okay, thank you. (hangs up phone) Crazy…

(back to office)
Sam Smith: Fooled the president! (laughs with Jane)

Announcer: On the next episode of “The Telemarketers”…

Jane Janeson: Hi, bye. Hi, bye. Hi, bye. Hi, bye. Hi, bye.

Announcer: “The Telemarketers”!