~Star Search~
Baby Boy as Arsenio Bruin

Carnation as Chaka Kat

Baby Girl as Carol Leifbear

Woody as Bear Stein

Smitten as Naomi Hugg

Bandito as Michael Raccoon

Flaky as Luther Beardross

Dublin as Patrick Jones

Sidekick as Fido

Arsenio Bear: Welcome to “Star Search”, the talent show where we try to find the next big star. I’m Arsenio Bruin, and if you don’t know me, I used to host a talk show in the early 90’s. Nobody watched it, nobody cared, and frankly, this contest is a cheese. Let’s welcome our celebrity judges, first let’s welcome Chaka Kat! Chaka, how are you doing?
Chaka Kat: Good! I’m so good, I feel like singing! (stands on table and sings) “I’m every kitten, it’s all in me…”

Arsenio Bear: Hey, hey, Chaka! You scare the living baked beans out of me. Next, stand-up comic Carol Leifbear!

Carol Leifbear: What, now, seriously, what is the deal with talent shows?

Arsenio Bruin: Are you makin’ fun of me? ‘Cause you can’t make fun of me!

Carol Lefibear: Seriously, what is the deal with talent shows?
Arsenio Bruin: Weird judges. He has his own game show on “Comedy Central” and has starred in a number of movies, Bear Stein!
Bear Stein: (in Ben Stein voice) Bruin? Bruin? Bruin? Bruin?
Arsenio Bruin: What?
Bear Stein: Buy Clear Eyes, which gives your eyes a natural clean.

Arsenio Bruin: My eyes are fine. Please –

Bear Stein: I’ll take “Show me the money!” for $200.

Arsenio Bruin: Our last but not least judge is the sister of country music sensation Wynonna Hugg; she’s Naomi Hugg!
Naomi Hugg: Wow! Wow! Thanks for having me!
Arsenio Bruin: Mm-hmm. We normally do kids, models and comedians first, but who cares? Let’s do the competitions for adult singer. First up, he’s a 26-year-old banker who’s very to-himself, please welcome Michael Raccoon! So, what are you going to sing for us tonight?
Michael Raccoon: “Beat It”. (sings) “Beat it, beat it, no one wants to be defeated! Beat it! Beat it! No one wants to be defeated! Beat ittttttt!”

Arsenio Bruin: I thought you were going to sing the whole thing?
Michael Raccoon: That’s all I know.

Arsenio Bruin: Judges, what did you think?
Judges: 1.

Arsenio Bruin: Okay, so you got a big fat 4. Our next competitor needs 5 to beat you, but then it’s America’s time to vote, too, so let’s bring out 30-year-old music teacher from Detroit, Luther Beardross. What will you be singing?
Luther Beardross: “Tonight I Celebrate My Love”. (starts singing) “Tonight, I celebrate my love for you! Tonight, I celebrate my love for you! Toniiiight!”

Arsenio Bruin: Okay, is that all you know?
Luther Beardross: I’m sorry; I forgot to study. Everyone has bad days sometimes.

Arsenio Bruin: Judges, it’s up to you.

Chaka Kat: 2.

Everyone else: 1.

Arsenio Bruin: Okay, Michael has 4 and Luther has 5. Stay tuned after the break to see what the audience thinks.
(cut to commercial)
Announcer: This Monday, tune in for “Everybody Loves Reindeer,” starring Roxie Romano as Reindeer Barone, Patti Heaton as his wife Debrapus, and Peter Doodle and Doris Rocket as his annoying bird parents, with Bronty Garrett as the tall cop brother in a new episode at 9 P.M., because… (voice of Bronty Garrett) Evvverybody Loves Reindeer.

(back to show)

Arsenio Bruin: Welcome back, and let’s see what the audience thinks of our contestants… Michael had a 4 and Luther had a 2, which adds up to a total of 8 for Michael and 7 for Luther. Michael Raccoon is the winner!
Luther Beardross: But… but I had the better voice! He’s a white raccoon who looks like a gray raccoon!
Arsenio Bruin: Go home! Now, let’s meet the kids. First up is an Irish dude who’s 7 years old and likes to call himself “Super”. Please welcome, Patrick Jones! What will you be singing?
Patrick Jones: “Circle of Life”. (singing) “In the circle of life… in the circle of life… in the circle…” how does that chant go?
Arsenio Bruin: You can’t sing either? Judges, just give him bad marks, and let’s go on to our second performer, a 3-year-old dog who loves “The Fairly Odd Parents,” please welcome Fido! What will you sing today, Fido?
Fido: “Hound Dog”. (singing) “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time! You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time! You ain’t never caught a rabbit and you ain’t no friend of miiiiiiiiiiiiine!”
Arsenio Bruin: Wow! Wow! You make all the other music acts here tonight look like Morrie Vanorrie! Judges? Yeah, really? Okay, Patrick has 4 and Fido has 40. Let’s see what the audience says after these messages.

(cut to commercial)
Announcer: Tonight on “BSI: Beanie Scene Investigation”, what happens when all the Beanies discovered at an Iraqi Hallmark… are counterfeits? Tune in at 9:00 P.M. for “BSI”, followed by “BSI: Miami”, all starting immediately after “Star Search”.

(back to show)

Arsenio Bruin: Welcome back. I think I need earplugs for tomorrow’s show. Let’s see what the audience thinks… Patrick has a 39, and Fido has a 2, which gives a total of 43 for Patrick and 42 for Fido. Patrick Jones is the winner!
Fido: But I sang an entire line!
Arsenio Bruin: Who cares? We’ll see you hopefully some other time on “Star Search”.