~Star Search~
Cast: Baby Boy as Arsenio Bruin

Smitten as Naomi Hugg

Woody as Bear Stein

Rusty as Amish Zappa

Luck-E as Sean Cubbery

Decade as Lenny Louser

Hodgepodge as Grr-Face

Mother as Mrs. Louser

Baby Girl as Little Miss Louser

Arsenio Bruin: Good evening, and welcome to “Star Search”. This talent show, as you know, follows the same format as Ed McMahon’s, but my version is more embarrassing. We feature kid and adult singers, comedians, and now a new dance category. Ever see a Beanie dance? He goes, “Boop-boop-boop!” without even moving. Weird, isn’t it?

Bear Stein: (in Ben Stein voice) Boo.

Arsenio Bruin: Okay, I know already. Let’s meet our judges. First, we have actress Naomi Hugg!
Naomi Hugg: Good day to you, Arsenio!
Arsenio Bruin: How’s your new movie?
Naomi Hugg: Go hug a tree.

Arsenio Bruin: Okay, on to my least favorite judge, Bear Stein!
Bear Stein: I hate this competition. I think all you people should lose a little weight.

Arsenio Bruin: That’s the worst Simon Cowell impression I’ve ever heard.

Bear Stein: That’s the best I could do. I can’t do impressions of anyone.

Arsenio Bruin: Hmm. On to our next judge, the son of Hank, father of Gerbil and Moon Unity, he can’t use electronic devices and has to wear the same outfit each day, Amish Zappa!
Amish Zappa: I’m the only one here with a black shirt on.

Arsenio Bruin: That’s not even a shirt.

Amish Zappa: Yeah, I know.

Arsenio Bruin: Please, go back to Pennsylvania or wherever you come from. And finally, each day we try to find a big star to be our fourth celebrity judge to come here and judge the contestants, you know, not like these people, so please welcome, our special guest judge, the Irish-born actor best known for playing BB7, Sean Cubbery!

Sean Cubbery: Hello, Trebek. I did something to your mother today.

Arsenio Bruin: Uh, I’m Arsenio Bruin.

Sean Cubbery: I’ll take “Racketeers” for $2000.

marc_172: think he's talking to Amish

Arsenio Bruin: Do you even know what show you’re on?
Sean Cubbery: Isn’t this Strip Search?

Arsenio Bruin: It’s Star Search, you one-track fool! Okay, now let’s get to the contestants. First for junior singer, we have the most beautiful young man who wasn’t messed around by Michael Jackson, say hello to 12-year-old Lenny Louser!

Lenny Louser: (singing) “Did you ever know that you’re my heeeeero,

You’re everything I wish I could be,

I could fly higher than an eeeeeeagle

Cause you are the wind beneath my…” What’s the last word?
Arsenio Bruin: You should know if you picked the song.

Lenny Louser: Can I start over again?
Arsenio Bruin: No time. I have to get to the next contestant and the judges because I have to hurry home to watch “Reba”. Okay, our next contestant describes himself as the leanest, meanest bulldog around, give it up for Grr-Face!
Grr-Face: (singing) “GRRRR!

GRRRR!
GRRRR GRRRR GRRRR!”
Thank you, America! GRR!

Arsenio Bruin: Okay, judges, what did you think of Lenny Louser, our first contestant?
Naomi Hugg: Terrible. Messed up at the very end.

Bear Stein: Can’t talk now. I think I turned into a robot.

Amish Zappa: I see the light… and I’m not supposed to!
Sean Cubbery: The day is mine! Leonard, suck it! I think you should go back home and…

(CBS special report graphic shown)
Announcer: The live version of “Star Search” will now be interrupted by an interview with Saddam Hussein. The interview with Saddam has now been canceled. And now, back to our show.

Sean Cubbery: …you’re a villain, Louser! Leonard Louser!

Arsenio Bruin: Okay, enough, Sean. Lenny earned a 3 overall. Naomi, if you really liked Grr-Face, he will be the winner of this competition.

Naomi Hugg: I did. As a matter of fact, I think he’s cute. I want to go out with him. And I give him a 5.

Arsenio Bruin: Which means forget audience voting, Grr-Face wins this competition!
Lenny Louser: But – but – but I’m cuter and I sing better!

Mrs. Louser: Yeah! You tell him! Don’t make my little boy upset! That dog is a cheater! He faked the whole thing! He’s a horrible performer! He smells like crazy! Take a bath! You heard me, Grr-Face! Take a bath!
Arsenio Bruin: I’m sorry, Mrs. Louser, but the judges were fair as fair can be, and I can’t be held responsible for the opponent’s odors. Damn, that’s some stank!

Mrs. Louser: Well, if you don’t like my boy, maybe this will sink your heart, if you have one! My daughter, Little Miss Louser!

Little Miss Louser: Thank you, thank you!

(singing) Naomi, Naomi, there’s too many of you losing,

Oh, Stein, Sean, and Amish, there’s too many that you’re bruising,

You know we’ve got to find a waaaay

To bring some winning here –“ (coughs)

Arsenio Bruin: You brought your daughter here for that? She’s too goofy and silly! I am not convinced, sister!

Little Miss Louser: Lousers should not be losers!

Naomi Hugg: She has a point…

Sean Cubbery: Lousers are losers!
Arsenio Bruin: Okay, nobody’s a winner! Nobody’s going to the semifinals! I’ll just give you people lifetime supplies of Big Macs, okay?

Lenny Louser: Hmm, sounds good to me.

Arsenio Bruin: We hope you enjoyed us. Now stay tuned for “My Big Fat Greek Life”. I’m Arsenio Bruin, saying, we’ll see you again when we care.