~Monologue~
Cast: Rusty as himself

Rusty: Thank you very much! Wow! I can’t believe it – I used to be in the cast, now I’m hosting – it’s wonderful! You might remember me as the Red Goat. I used to do that impression. I really enjoyed that, too – the one thing I didn’t like about that, I had to rummage through garbage looking for food, and there was no bamboo. To research my role as the Red Goat, you know, this is a true story, too. To research my role as the Red Goat, I needed to chase down garbage trucks. Hey, it’s much more easier than what I had to do to get the role of Fat Cat. Not only did I have to eat meat, and I don’t like to do that since I’m a vegetarian – I’ve got a strict diet of only eating bamboo – but I also had to play bad swing music! Why couldn’t I do good rock music or okay sounding classical? You know, I could have been the pianist in the movie “The Pianist”. I actually tried out for that role, but I backed out when I found out Adrien Brody was too cute to be true. I was in competition with him, see? Here are pictures of me with a big panda nose. Look at this. My nose is bigger than the other pandas. I’ve got the Adrien Brody look for the pandas. Adrien Brody, people. Cute guy from “The Pianist”. I hated him so much, I could have been an international heartthrob. I’d be more than a Beanie. I’d also be an action figure. Heck, I could write an autobiography bigger than Hillary Clinton’s. Well, anyway, I’m back here tonight, and that’s all that matters. Better than an apartment. You all agree? Good. I’ve noticed a lot of the new cast members, by the way – you know about the new guys? These new cast members from the Dallas gift show – the Beanies don’t talk southern. I thought after dealing with so many Texans, I thought they’d be southern by now. I thought Frosty would say to me, “Y’all shoulda made me blue, y’know, like that Paul Bunyan person.” And Rumba, Rumba talks pretty normal, except for the growling, and he hasn’t been telling me “Kiss my grits” before he growls. Not even after. L’amore – I expected L’amore to not do anything southern. I offered him tickets to the Pepsi 400 race, you know, NASCAR. It’s where all these racers ride around like jerks hoping to win money. The big guy these days is Dale Earnhardt Jr., and I like him too, but the stereotype is that it’s a hick sport. L’amore didn’t want to go, so I said, “It’s up to you. You’re from Dallas, so I say go.” Well, these newbies are all fine to me. I like them – if I had the chance to work with all of them I’d still have a lot of fun. I just never hear Flaky’s name said around here anymore, so that’s real weird. I’m always used to everyone saying, “Hey, remember Flaky? Don’t you think he should have stayed longer?” and the only one who understands me is Seadog. Well, that’s it for me. I’ve got to wash up and get ready for the next sketch. I think some guys want to blast some music on to cut me off. We’ll be right back! Don’t go anywhere!