~Scat and the Cats~
Cast: Scat as Scat Cat

Carnation as Fast Cat

Rusty as Fat Cat

Mother as Mrs. Smith

Baby Boy as Joey

Bo as James

Frisco as Kate

Scat Cat: Wow, wow, wow! That was a boop-bop-boop-bop-a-loop-in’ bar mitzvah!
Fast Cat: I can’t believe they liked how we sang Al-Al-Allan Sherman!

Fat Cat: I can’t believe they don’t have ham.

Scat Cat: When will you learn the Jewish can’t eat ham because eating non-kosher foods is against their religion?
Fat Cat: I like ham.

Scat Cat: Thanks for having us, Mrs. Smith.

Mrs. Smith: No problem. Joey here really loves your singing.

Fast Cat: Nice of him to say that, since ironically, no one wants to hear us sing except for Pauly Shore.

Joey: I love you, Scat Cat, and I want to marry you!
Scat Cat: Sorry, I’ve had four husbands already.

Mrs. Smith: Um, listen, in case you’re interested, would you three be interested in sitting Joey for me on weekends?
Scat Cat: Any tip-top-ta-woozle-wuzzle time, ma’am.

Fast Cat: You won’t razzle-razzle-regret this.

Fat Cat: On one condition: you don’t mind I eat your chicken wings.

Mrs. Smith: Whatever. You’re hired.

(fade to backyard)
Fast Cat: Scat Cat, are you so sure you want to set up the stage in a backyard?
Scat Cat: Hey, he’s inviting friends over, so he wants to have us perform.

Fat Cat: Um, listen, I don’t think you want to, because, um, I was reading this magazine that says who’s hot and who’s not, and we’re not hot.

Fast Cat: Aw, you’re kidding!
Scat Cat: Hmm, let’s give it a shot. If Joey liked us then his friends will.

Fat Cat: First, can we all have a little lunch?
Scat Cat: Grr… what do you think, Fast Cat?
Fast Cat: Let’s eat, Scat Cat.

Scat Cat: Fine. Kids, we’re having a barbecue! I’m making hot dogs for all of you!
Joey: Yay! Hot dogs!
James: I didn’t know you cats liked hot dogs so much.

Fat Cat: We’re cats. We don’t care for dogs. I mean, when they’re alive. When they’re dead, they’re delicious.

Joey: Gross!
Fast Cat: Well, that’s the way animals are. We’re the beautiful and sophisticarted – cated, sophisticated, breed, and the dogs just sit on their asses and sniff their tails. Cats rule, dogs drool.

Kate: I know. I mean, I have a dog, and he drools on me like crazy! It’s like when my dad always says, “Hubba hubba hubba” to my mom!

Scat Cat: Come again?
Joey: Sorry. Kate’s weird sometimes. She says her grandparents invented the word “cooties”.

Fat Cat: Hmm, cooties. That reminds me, I think we should all play Cootie later. Enjoy playing that, especially while I’m eating chocolate.

Fast Cat: You know, I think we should teach these kids that you can’t eat chocolate all the time or you can either get sick, get fat, or both. And it does bad things to your teeth. Since we are celebrities, we should be good role mod-

Scat Cat: Yeah, but we’re splurging today.

Fat Cat: And we’re not celebrities. Kids hate us.

James: We don’t hate you. Joey, Kate, and I think you’re cool.

Scat Cat: Thanks, James. That’s the first time in 25 years somebody called us cool.

Fat Cat: People don’t understand us. I think we’re better off singing to kids because they understand us, not like our lousy record agency. These people today want Lumidee, Lumidee, and more Lumidee.

Joey: Who’s Lumidee?
Fat Cat: Wow, he doesn’t know who Lumidee is – now that’s what I call understanding us!

Scat Cat: Now, before we all eat our hot dogs, why don’t we sing a song for you guys – one that doesn’t include a rap interlude or East Indian reggae beats or people from American Idol?

Joey: Sure, sing whatever you want.

Kate: I love music.

James: I’m hungry.

Fat Cat: Finally, I found someone who understands me! James, after the performance…

Fast Cat: No trips to 7-11!
Fat Cat: Aww. One, two, three…

(swing music plays keyboard intro in Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock and Roll”)

Scat Cat: “Just take those old records off the shelf, I sit and listen to them by myself!
Fast Cat: Today’s music ain’t got the same soul…
Scat Cat: I like that old time rock and roll!
Fat Cat: Please try to take me to a snack store, because I really want a bag of chips…”
Scat Cat: Great. You ruined our song – again! I’m so glad that wasn’t on the LP version of this song.

Fat Cat: I don’t know Bob Seger. I know Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Louis Armstrong… I can’t sing Bob Seger.

Scat Cat: Next time I’ll pick something all of you can sing. “Still like that old time rock and roll!

Fast Cat: That kind of music just soothes the soul!

Scat Cat: I reminisce about the days of ol’ with that old time…” Sing it with me…

All: “Rock and roll!”

Joey: Totally not cool. I liked the way you sung before, but you had to sing that? I’m never going to become a singer! I’m going to work at a 7-11 when I grow up!
Fat Cat: Can I come with you?
Joey: Never! Over my dead bobby!
Fat Cat: Bobby? I thought you meant body.

Joey: Whatever! Get out, you clowns!
Kate: Yeah, get out and don’t come back!
(sound of a car pulling up is heard)
James: Uh-oh, you’re in big trouble now, cats.

Mrs. Smith: You cats made my kids yell at you? (slaps Scat, Fast, and Fat Cat) I hate you all! Never come back!
Fast Cat: Okay, we’re not welcome anymore, but I don’t care.

Scat Cat: After all, we’re Scat and the Cats…

Fat Cat: The most be-bop-a-loo-bop rock and roll/swing/jazz band in America! Whoo!