~Monologue~
Cast: Nuts as himself

Frisco as Emma Whiskers

Rumba as himself

Nuts: Thank you! I am the first rodent to host “Beanieday Night Live”! I am proud to…

Emma Whiskers: PORN!
Nuts: What was that?
Rumba: Hi, Nuts. I should have warned you, that’s Emma Whiskers, the weird lady who thinks everything is porn.

Nuts: Rumba, why does this happen every so often?
Rumba: I don’t know. I’m new here. I’m just getting to know everything. I never realized some stupid lady would be shouting at me to put clothes on.

Emma Whiskers: All you animals should be wearing clothes, like I am!
Nuts: But that’s censorship. The beauty of animals should be captured…

Emma Whiskers: Oh, beauty, schmeauty! Beauty is what’s inside, you idiots!
Rumba: ROAR!
Emma Whiskers: Ooh, look at the scary little tiger. Nyah-nyah!

Rumba: You’re on your own.

Emma Whiskers: The first rodent ever to host, hmm? Audience, tell me what a rodent is? A rodent is somebody who looks at…

Audience: PORN!
Nuts: Yeah, yeah. Porn. Would you like to see my teeth? They’re this big, and that’s why I’m a rodent. You, miss, have got me all wrong.

Emma Whiskers: Oh, no no. One day you could be looking at a rat, as gross as they can be, just lying around eating garbage, then they’ll be looking at naked women.

Nuts: I hate rats, too, but they’re nothing about them that makes them look at porn.

Emma Whiskers: All rats do are eat garbage, drink beer, and look at porn. So do squirrels.

Nuts: You know, you’re supposed to eat me…

Emma Whiskers: Eew! I didn’t know cats eat squirrels! We’re refined and sophisticated!

Fancy: Oh, so am I, but you don’t tell me I’m a refined beauty who doesn’t look at gay men.

Emma Whiskers: I’m not used to talking to other cats.

Fancy: Oh, sure you are. You’ve lived in a pet shop.

Nuts: You know, this is why my name is Nuts. I always have to deal with them.

Fancy: What did you say about me?
Nuts: I said you were a fine young lady.

Emma Whiskers: Before you click off, remember, one day you’ll see a squirrel gathering squirrels for hibernation, but they’ll really be gathering them to eat during “Girls Gone Wild” videos! They don’t eat popcorn, like people do!
Nuts: Emma Whiskers, everybody. She hates squirrels. We’ve got a great chat tonight! So stick around, we’ll be right back!