~The Seabiscuit Show~
Cast: Muddy as Seabiscuit

Chocolate as Tobey Maguire

Frisco as Shirley Temple

Tubbo as John Goodman

Announcer: You’re watching HBO. Coming up after our Sex and the City marathon, it’s another Sex and the City marathon. But first, it’s “The Seabiscuit Show”.

Tobey Maguire: It’s The Seabiscuit Show, where the horse in my big hit movie and I talk to people. Here he is, Seabiscuit!

Seabiscuit: Neigh! Neigh! Neigh! Welcome to my show. I’m Seabiscuit the horse. I’m such a great horse. Everybody loves me. No wonder why my movie ranked #5 at the box office. Those Spy Kids are so big; they want to take rides on me. What do I do, take people’s pity money so I can give them rides? What kind of horse am I?
Tobey Maguire: A great racehorse, who I love more than playing Spiderman.

Seabiscuit: Don’t you remember I gave you back pains? People said you weren’t going to be in the sequel.

Tobey Maguire: I don’t care about moviemaking as long as I’m in good health. What about you?
Seabiscuit: I should be seen and not heard. Don’t hear me when I say neigh, okay? Neigh! Neigh! Aw, you heard me. Neigh!
Tobey Maguire: Quiet.

Seabiscuit: You be quiet. Anyway, I would like to introduce my first guest. She starred in the 1949 film “The Story of Seabiscuit” and is famous for being one of the most recognizable child stars, Shirley Temple!

Shirley Temple: Thank you. You’re so, so adorable.

Seabiscuit: She thinks I’m cute.

Tobey Maguire: There are better horses in the stables.

Seabiscuit: I told you to be quiet. I’m talking to Shirley Temple here. So, Shirley, what was your first major motion picture?

Shirley Temple: I don’t know. But I was acting since I was three years old, and right now I’m 70-something, and sweller than ever.

Seabiscuit: Shirley, I don’t even know if sweller is a word. I know you like saying how people are swell, but sweller isn’t such a swell word.

Shirley Temple: If it isn’t so swell then how could I say it? Gee, I’m so non-swell!

Tobey Maguire: Earth to horse: she’s not a kid anymore. And so aren’t you.

Seabiscuit: You changed the Great Depression. How does it feel to have cheered so many people up?
Shirley Temple: Well, I’m trying to get my husband, who admitted he’s never seen any of my movies, to watch them with me and then make more babies with me so we can get the stocks back up. Especially with those cute, little Beanie Babies. Gee, that Ty works ever so hard, yet he makes so little money and has so little fans left.

Tobey Maguire: Ty ruined the Beanie Babies. Don’t listen to her.

Seabiscuit: Tobey, I’m going to have to kick you out soon. I’m talking to one of my biggest fans. Um, Shirl…

Shirley Temple: Don’t call me that. When you ask for a Shirley Temple at a Steak and Shake, you don’t say, “I’ll take a Shirl, please.”

Seabiscuit: Oh, okay, Mrs. Temple. Speaking of Steak and Shake, I bet you’d see him there every day. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our next guest, the speaker of the house in the season finale of “The West Wing”, the guy who’s hosted “Saturday Night Live” the second-most times, and the guy who played Fred Flintstone in…

Tobey Maguire: We know! Just introduce him! We already know it’s John Goodman!
Seabiscuit: Okay. Please welcome John Goodman!

John Goodman: Thanks, guys. Great to be on the show.

Shirley Temple: It’s great to meet you, Mr. Goodbar… I mean, Goodman.

John Goodman: You too, Mrs. Temple. Speaking of Mr. Goodbars, you have one?
Seabiscuit: You can have backstage. Anyway, have you seen my movie yet?
John Goodman: No, I haven’t seen it, but I’ll see it when it comes on video. I rather would go out to see it because I go to the movies for all the popcorn and goodies. But my kids begged me to take them to the Spy Kids movie.

Seabiscuit: Now, I’m a very big fan of “The West Wing” and I wanted to ask you, after your guest appearance, if you become the president, are you going to give up comedy and switch to drama like Jim Carrey and Robin Williams?
John Goodman: Uh, no. I’ve got a new show that’s supposed to be on NBC next year, it’s a cartoon, actually. It’s about people who work for Siegfried and Roy.

Seabiscuit: Wow. Are you going to play the girlie man?
John Goodman: I don’t know what you’re talking about?
Seabiscuit: I don’t either. I like to talk.

John Goodman: That’s why this is a talk show.

Seabiscuit: Another thing I wanted to ask…

Tobey Maguire: God, when is this lame show going to be over? I need to be at a film shooting!
Seabiscuit: Let me just ask John this one more question. Um, your former co-star Roseanne Barr-Arnold-Barr-Whatever…

John Goodman: I don’t remember her name either.

Seabiscuit: Roseanne is going to have her own reality show. Do you plan on watching it?
John Goodman: Well, it depends. If it’s on during SpongeBob SquarePants, the kids are gonna drive me nuts.

Seabiscuit: Great to hear that, Mr. Goodman. Um, would like to thank you and Shirley Temple for coming out.

Shirley Temple: Swell.

Seabiscuit: Remember to see my movie “Seabiscuit” and buy my Beanie Baby. I don’t remember what his name was, but…

Tobey Maguire: Hurry up! I’m 50 minutes late!

Seabiscuit: Good night!

Announcer: Join us next week on HBO for another “Seabiscuit Show”, immediately preceding “Giglivision”.