~Old Man on the Internet~
Cast: Garcia as Mickey

L’amore as Charles

Fancy as Minnie

Sport as Kid 1

Frisco as Kid 2

Frosty as Kid 3

Mickey: Charles, thanks for buying me this computer.

Charles: Oh, no problem. I got all this from writing a book and selling it.

Mickey: Too bad I couldn’t do that.

Charles: Oh, that’s okay. I had to quit a few jobs to write it, too. Well, see ya.

Mickey: Bye. Hey, family! Look what my brother got me! A computer!
Minnie: That’s great? Do we have the Internet?
Mickey: Oh, yeah. You could look up anything you want. It even gives you references on what we moose things should eat.

Minnie: Hmm, that’s nice, but what about the things I’ve been hearing about kiddie porn? I don’t want my kids to see a man dog and a lady dog doing their thing.

Mickey: I’ve installed the greatest porn filter ever – it cost a million dollars and it blocks every single web site with objectionable material.

Minnie: Every web site, perhaps?
Mickey: No. One web site that doesn’t is Ty Inc.’s website.

Minnie: Yeah, but what about that Mr. Beanwell? I’ve heard bad things about him. Some lady doesn’t like his chats.

Mickey: They’re just myths. You can’t believe what you hear, Minnie.

Minnie: Oh, okay, but don’t come crying to me when my children see dogs getting their grooves back. (walks out)
Mickey: Man, this Internet is so easy. Now, I gotta see what I can do here… okay, I’ll join this Beanie club, then talk to some friends about going to a Beanie show, and… hmm, “This section contains adult content.” Hmm, so do I! I have no idea if I should do this. I mean, it’s so innocent. Especially since I’m on the Internet. It’s not like these people sneak up on you when…

Kid 1: Hi, Dad.

Mickey: Hi. You should knock first.

Kid 1: Sorry, Dad. Do you want to tie me up to the closet?
Mickey: No. I love you. What do you want?

Kid 1: My tooth fell out. What are you doing?
Mickey: Um… um, searching the Internet. Yeah, maybe one day you can too.

Kid 1: Really? I gotta tell my brother and sister!

Mickey: Oh, dear. Now, back to my thoughts… but it’s good. No it isn’t. But it’s good!!! No it isn’t. I think I’ll look up some lyrics from songs I liked as a kid. Ugh, I hate these pop-up ads. Why do they need so much advertising? I need to download one of those pop-up blockers. Minnie!
Minnie: What is it, sweetie?
Mickey: The family will have to make some sacrifices to pay for a pop-up blocker I want.

Minnie: That’s ridiculous. They have free pop-up blockers you can download.

Mickey: Fine. You get it for me.

Minnie: I’m making dinner.

Mickey: Okay. I’ll just download this and it won’t crash the system. There, my pop-up blocker is installed. Wow, look at all this bundled software – “Nude bears”. I think I’ll click on that… “Warning: you are about to…”
Kid 2: Dad, I need you to fix my doll. One of the boys broke her head.

Mickey: Okay. Just leave it here and I’ll fix it later.

Kid 2: What are you doing? What’s that warning?
Mickey: It’s – it’s nothing. I’m trying to do some secret business only I’m supposed to know about.

Kid 2: Then I should leave.

Mickey: Yeah. Go play with your other dollies. Girls. Okay, “You are about to enter an adult website. Are you 18 or older?” I shouldn’t say I’m 52, since they’d think I’m an old geezer. Well, I’ve been on here too long, so…

Kid 3: Hi, Dad.

Mickey: What do you need?
Kid 3: Nothing. Just like to barge in and mind other people’s business. Whatcha doin’?
Mickey: Nothing, just like you. Although you really should leave.

Kid 3: Okay. I’ll go check on my sister. Or maybe I’ll put a bug on Mom’s head?

Mickey: Sure. Okay, I’ll click on this. Actually, my age is 29. When I do this I’m 29. And… click.

Voice on Internet: Welcome to the official site for Nude Bears Retirement Home. Don’t think we’re some porn site, creeps; we’re just a retirement home who couldn’t think of a good name.

Mickey: Stalled for nothing – nothing but a stinking retirement home web site. I thought it was… oh, god… wait a minute, maybe this would be good for me when I’m 60. I’ll sign myself up.