~Monologue~
Cast: Garcia as himself

Decade as himself

Sport as Johnny Cash

Garcia: Thank you! Wow – what a crowd tonight! This is the best gig of my life – hosting Beanieday Night Live! Wow! I had so much trouble deciding what to do for the monologue. I thought, “Maybe I should do a little Laugh-In intro”. But, since it didn’t work out for me, I thought I’d burn a guitar like Jimi Hendrix, but that didn’t work. It would’ve been a fire hazard. And I definitely didn’t want to do a re-enactment of the Vietnam War. I’m for peace. That’s why I take part in a bunch of recycling programs. And I’m a vegetarian, so I don’t eat cows. Cows shouldn’t be treated like objects, especially the ones whose milk is so good I can’t stop drinking it until my kidneys explode. Really, they do. That’s what happens when you’re 7 years old and going on 8.

Decade: Um, hi Garcia.

Garcia: Hi. What do you want to talk about, Decade?

Decade: Well, you just turned 8 last Friday.

Garcia: Heck, this means I only got 2-3 years left to live. Well, talk to you later Decade.

Decade: Bye.

Garcia: It’s gonna be a long night. When you’re eight years old you have so much trouble deciding what to do with the monologue. And I began to wonder, why are bears considered middle aged when they’re eight? When we’re taking Viagra and watching TV Land all day, eight year old people are going to school, eating candy, playing in sandboxes… why can’t we do any of that? We have to eat people! Or at least maul them! I can sing like them, so why can’t I act like an eight-year-old? “Oh, Mommy! I made a boo-boo on my widdle thinger!” “Mommy, I don’t like this broccoli!” “I want this Beanie Baby now! Wahhh!” There. I’m eight years old. I should act like I’m 8. I’m not, you know, 73. I’m not Johnny Cash… although, kids still think he’s cool today. He did that cover of the song “Hurt” by a group called Nine Inch Nails… I haven’t heard of them, but I like Johnny Cash… and this old guy is being nominated for six MTV Video Music Awards. That’s like, an old man’s ultimate dream, to be nominated for an achievement that says, “Yes, I’m with it.” I’m not with it, unfortunately. Everything today is…

(Johnny Cash’s “I Walk the Line” plays)

Johnny Cash: Did you just call me an old man, stranger?
Garcia: Wow, it’s the man in black himself. Hey, can you teach me some magic tricks?
Johnny Cash: You know, my wife died. Show some respect for your elders… geezer.

Garcia: Um… O Johnny Cash, of all things good and great…

Johnny Cash: Quiet. Now, if you’ll excuse me, some 30-year-old girls are taking me out to Roy Rogers. If you don’t know, it’s a chicken place.

Garcia: I thought that was Kenny Rogers.

Johnny Cash: It’s the same thing.

Garcia: See, I’m not with it. Okay, we’ve got a great show! Johnny Cash – a guy dressed as Johnny Cash is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!