Mr. Beanwell’s Third Annual Beanie Worst Dressed List

Posted at: The Beanie Zoo Group, 1/7/03

 

2003 was a year known for bombs. Some of the worst movies were made this year, such as “The Real Cancun”, “From Justin To Kelly”, “Marci X”, “Dreamcatcher”, an overwhelming amount of crappy sequels including “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” and “Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life”, and who can forget the biggest bomb of the year, “Gigli” starring Ben and Jen. The year is also one of the worst for TV, as “Friends” nears extinction, shows drop in the ratings, and new shows that are highly anticipated seem to flop in the next few weeks. And not until Saddam was captured did our stocks do very well.

 

But the Beanie business has been slow in 2003, and not much has been said about the worst looking. Before I give the reviews, this year Mr. Blackwell’s Worst Dressed List ranked Paris “F Me” Hilton as the worst dressed, saying, “Grab the blinders, here comes Paris. From cyber disgrace to red carpet chills -- she's the vapid Venus of Beverly Hills!” Anyway, without further ado, the top ten Beanies saying “Pick me!” on this year’s Worst Dressed List:

 

10. Decade the bear

It’s Decade the bear, the Beanie with a million colors. With holographic swirls and colors galore, painting this bear was just too much a bore, with blue and green and gold galore, thank god we won’t see any in 2004! (cue the Broadway guy who sings the solo) “Because he’s retireddddddd…”

 

9. Sunray the manta ray

In my opinion, Sting was one of the worst Beanie Babies ever made, despite its high value from its Christmas 1996 retirement. If Sting was still current through 1998, he wouldn’t be as high as he is. But enough about Sting… Sunray is a lot worse! The new stingray Beanie has Tylon fur, fins that flap, and a little smiley face that says when you buy it, “I pray for your tax deduction!” I have to disagree with Sting, but when I saw him, I never saw anything so absurd.

 

8. L’amore the poodle

This could be the LaToya Jackson of Beanie Babies. L’amore has the body of Brigitte but the color of one of those stupid sled dogs from that Cuba Gooding Jr. movie “Snow Dogs”! With Beanies little do I want to cause a fight, but as bad as it looks, it’s just plain white!

 

7. Colosso the mammoth

Colosso is supposedly a purple wooly mammoth to follow 2001’s Giganto, but Colosso is an insult to the mammoths that died thousands of years ago, looking like if Barney the dinosaur had a baby with a walrus! If the mammoth were still alive today, they’d be wishing they were extinct.

 

6. Tricky the pumpkin bear

Tricky is a fashion disaster due to his desecration of a classic Beanie Baby, Pumkin’ the pumpkin, which he bears in his Halloween costume. Tricky can be tricky, but does that mean I can be feisty? He might as well dress up as Britney Spears and get kissed by whoever dresses up as Madonna next year.

 

5. Kiss-E the bear

Watch out, lovebirds, here’s another desecration that will burn your hearts – Kiss-E, the Ty Store exclusive V-Day bear, looks like one of the old face teddies mixed in with Valentina. Hey, Kiss-E, I heard you’ll be hearing from attorney Mark Geragos on behalf of Valentina and Valentino for ripping them off like a stinkin’ pig! (The new bear Smooch-E will be sued by Smoochy the frog next week.)

 

4. Mandy the bear

In the words of singer Barry Manilow:

“Oh Mandy, you’re a butt-ugly black and white panda, I won’t buy you today;

Oh Mandy, I will never pay six bucks to buy you,

So I’ll send you away, back to China!”

(cue that Broadway guy one more time) “That’s where you liiiiiiiive!”

 

3. Smartest the owl

The sixth graduation owl has made its way to the Worst Dressed List this year, due to his hippie hair, enormous eyes, and failure to look like a real owl. I think you’ve been left back forever, so go take those Regents exams again, a million times!

 

2. TIE: Tommy and Tom-E the turkeys

Ty’s past three turkeys have been hits with me. I loved Gobbles, Lurkey was not a classic but a favorite, and last year’s Turk-E I bought immediately. But this year’s Thanksgiving offers have not been too great, First, we have Tommy, the one you can get at the store, which looked like Beak the kiwi bird got a makeover on “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy”! I bet even Carson thinks that design is terrible! Then you have Tom-E the turkey, which looks like a Christmas goose was dressed up to look like Nicole Kidman in “Moulin Rouge”!

 

Yes, it feels like tragedy struck Ty’s Beanies this year, but only one out of 10 can stand out. This year’s worst can be seen basking in the sun and regenerating its legs.

 

1. Wish the starfish

I have to criticize the idea for this Beanie; I mean, who would even want this? Kids can’t get it to walk, drunks watching the Super Bowl would throw darts at it, and it’s just a lazy piece of star that lies around doing nothing but pretend to be cute! The disgrace this Beanie is will make you never want to go to the beach ever again because you’re afraid a starfish will remind you of this trash! The thing looks like Gary the snail from “Spongebob Squarepants” lost his shell and changed into the same colors as Twigs the giraffe! I wish, I wish, this fish was never released!

 

2004 should be a better year for good-looking Beanies. There are still eligible bachelors waiting to be released. Good night, everybody!

 

Mr. Beanwell

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