Mr Luke

LONG-TIME FUNNY!

Link to the Circus Family Site!



This our own Mr Barclay "Hop" Sing, entertaining recent diners with witty repartee and Broadway show tunes

Humorous asides from around the world. Have a joke you want to see here? E-mail it to our esteemed Webb master, Mr "Stan" Xhiao, and we'll include it forthwith!

And now...the jokes!

Joke #1

Q: How did the whale get AIDS?

A: He was rear-ended by a ferry.

Joke #2

Q: What's the difference between Karate and Judo?

A: Karate is a method of self-defense, Judo is what bagels are made of.

Joke(s) #3

Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?

A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?

A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night?

A: Hanson.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: Wiped his ass.

Q. What do Wal-Mart and Michael Jackson have in common?

A. Little boy's pants, half off.

Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

Joke #4

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?

A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Joke #5

A 70-year-elder man went to his doctor's office to get his sperms counted. Why, we don't know. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The very next day the 70-year-ancestral man reappear at the doctor office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as a whistle.

The doctor ask "Oh, what happen here anyway, Grandfather?" and the ancient man say back to him,

"It is like this. First I try with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I try with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I ask my wife for help. She tryd with her right hand, and viola, nothing. Then her left, but nothing even more so. She even try with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with teeth out, and still nothing. We even call up the lady next door and she try with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked, I am telling you now quite for sure!!

"You asked your neighbor?" the doctor ask.

The wise yet somewhat foolish-appearing old man replied, "O yes, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

Joke #6

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopp at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with wonderment and longing.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

Joke #7

Two blondes are walking through the woods and come upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Joke #8

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A. Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."

Joke #9

A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation and meets an Aussie farmer. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields at least twice as large".

They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "Our longhorns at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "What are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,

"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Joke #10

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition.

"You got any toilet paper on your side?"

Joke #11

Two elderly old lady were waiting for bus and one of them was smoking. A cigarette. It start to rain so one of the elderly lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip (ouch!) and slipped it over her cigarette. Her other old lady friend saw this and said, "Hey good idea! What is called that you put over your cigarette to keep high and mighty dry? "The Old Lady #1 said, "It's a condom. You can purchase them for sale at local druggist or pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrive downtown, the #2 old lady (with all the time asking questions) entered the pharmacy and asked for a pack of condoms. The pharmacist asked her, "What size do you want?"

The rickety old lady thought for a minute and then said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

Joke #12

A guy sticks his head in the barbershop and ask, "How long before I can get a haircut? "The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hour." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hour." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

Joke #13

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues, " he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said,

"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

Joke #14

Reverend Jerry Falwell happened to be seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the airplane was airborne, the Flight Attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a scotch and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The Attendant then asked the Reverend Falwell if he too would like a drink. Reverend Falwell replied in disgust,

"Ma'am, I would rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen, filty whores than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the Flight Attendant and said, "I'm sorry darling, I didn't know there was a choice..."

Joke #15

Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon & Clinton were on a ship that hit an iceberg. Ford screamed, "What should we do?"

Reagan commanded, "Man the Lifeboats!" Carter shrieked, "Women and children first!" Nixon said, "Screw the women and children!"

Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"

Joke #16

Two Japanese boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat little Korean guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Japanese.

He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Japanese in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke."

"No problem," said the Korean. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone the other Japanese picked up the Korean's shoe and spit in it. The Korean brought back the Coke, when the other Japanese said, "That looks good. Think I'll have one too."

Again, the Korean obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone other Japanese picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Korean returns with the Coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight.

When the plane was landing the Korean slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This animosity between our people, this hatred, this spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"



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