Through the years between the ages of 19 and 22 I had a few girlfriends, but nothing really came of any of it. Hell, I was even involved with Beck for a brief time. At the time it seemed to make perfect sense, but in retrospect it seems more like we were two lonely people reaching out for something familiar, comfortable, and safe. And then in January of '97 I met my first serious g/f. Tina. Ooh, what a bitch. We ended up being together for a little over a year and a half, and married (yes, I said married) for just over a year of that. During that time, she apparently (according to all the stories I've heard) had several affairs with multiple partners, was abusive, manipulative, accusatory (she accused me of being the one sleeping around, and with men to boot), and a general pain in the ass. Looking back now, I'm glad she's gone, but at the time I had the heart-shaped blinders on. She left in August of '98. Ran off to Michigan with one of my coworkers. And, as crazy as it sounds, I ended up with the ex of the whore she ran off with, and we've been together ever since. Five years now. God, that makes me feel old.
It wasn't until the last couple of years that I started to have inklings that I might be trans, although I really didn't have a name for it. I just knew that there was something missing in myself. Living as, and being perceived as a butch lesbian just wasn't quite right somehow. I think the trigger was a documentary I saw on the Discovery Channel about MTFs. Actually, the initial trigger might have been a book I glanced through while working at a queer-friendly sex store, "Dagger; on butch women." There was a brief chapter on FTMs, and I remember thinking "Wow. It really is possible." And, all of a sudden, all these memories came flooding back. Brief snippets of wanting to be a boy, running around shirtless like the other boys, asking my mom at the ripe old age of 5 if I could have a sex-change (don't ask me how I knew about that at 5 years old) and being told I had to wait until I was 25. Then I saw the show on Discovery. Suddenly I was very interested, bordering on obsessed. I hadn't taken to searching the internet yet, but every program on sexuality, transsexuality, intersex, you name it, if it was remotely related, I watched it. Eagerly. And quietly, in the back of my head, something clicked. Here it was, the missing something. The explanation, reason, whatever you want to call it, for me feeling so very much different from the other girls, even the other butches. The reason I would look longingly at men's bodies, not in lust, but rather in envy. The reason I often wished the facial hair I was able to grow naturally (been shaving since I was 16, sideburns and neck mostly, but in the last few years also my chin) would come in well enough to grow a full beard. I started snooping around the internet. My search started on WebMD, which led me to Renaissance, which led me to AmBoyz, which led me to Ingersoll here in Seattle. Along the way I found various links to various places, one of which was Transster. I was fascinated by the photos I saw. And amazed at how good the results of surgery could be. Transster led me to one guy's website, which led me to LiveJournal, which led me to website after website from other guys. I couldn't believe just how alike all our stories were, how similar our childhoods. Everything was suddenly starting to make sense.
Over the last few months, I've come out to my partner and bits and pieces of my family as trans. My family's been a bit more receptive than my partner. She's not dealing terribly well with it, and I'm not sure at this point where we're going to end up. I haven't been able to start my transition because of the relationship troubles, and also because of financial problems we've been having. I'm hoping that these things will resolve themselves soon, and I can finally start to fill in the blank that's been in the back of my mind, and my life, for so long. If not, well, I'll burn...er, cross that bridge when I come to it.
So that's it. My life, up to this point, in a nutshell. Hopefully I'll be able to add to this tale. We'll see what happens.